


The Flowers Inside Me Bloom For You

by applepi47



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Birthday Fluff, Coughing, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Hospitals, Hurt, I can proudly add the fluff tag now, I feel like I should warn you that I am planning to make you cry with this fic soooo, I'm Sorry, Implied homophobia, Just Angst And More Hurt, Late Night Conversations, Libraries, M/M, Minor Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, More Fluff, Movie Night, Panic, Sharing a Bed, Shopping, fluff???, i warned you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26787439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/applepi47/pseuds/applepi47
Summary: Hanahaki.A disease where unrequited, or one-sided love causes an individual to bloom flowers in their lungs. The flowers continue to grow until they completely block the person’s airway and kill them.Tsukishima Kei thought this was a very stupid concept.
Relationships: A bit of Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Implied Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi - Relationship, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 242
Kudos: 258





	1. Orange Blossom

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHH, I'm so excited!! This is my first time writing a multi-chapter fic. I've got most of the plot figured out so I'll try to post regularly

Hanahaki.

_A disease where unrequited, or one-sided love causes an individual to bloom flowers in their lungs. The flowers continue to grow until they completely block the person’s airway and kill them._

_The way to stop the flowers from blooming is to profess their love, and have their feelings returned by their love._

_The only other way to cure Hanahaki, is to get surgery. The surgery removes the flowers from their roots- meaning the lungs._

_But along with the flowers, all the individual’s romantic feelings for the one they love, get removed too._

Tsukishima Kei thought this was a very stupid concept. There would be no fuss if the person just took the surgery. It astounded him, how many people that died because of this disease.

Was one person of so much importance to them, did they have so much value, as to throw away their lives for them?

In his opinion, the simplest solution would be to just sacrifice their love and take the surgery.

Who knows? Soon enough, they’d probably fall in love again with someone else.

So, of course it came as a surprise when Tsukishima came home one day. Having finished the day of school, after-school volleyball practice, and walked home with Yamaguchi.

He had been feeling a little ‘under the weather’ that day, as he’d told Yamaguchi. So as soon as he came home, he rushed to the bathroom in fear of vomiting his lunch all over the place.

Turns out, he didn’t vomit his lunch at all, it was just some empty coughing. _That was rather dramatic._

But then he his gaze caught onto something small on the white sink below.

A petal.

To be precise, Tsukishima knew it was the petal of an orange blossom. He laughed, unsure of, if it was because of the orange blossoms name, contrasting its colour which was in fact _white_ , or if he was laughing at his own terrible luck.

What had he gotten himself into now? _Hanahaki_? Seriously? As far as he knew, there wasn’t anyone in his life, that he was in love with, more so, felt one-sided love for.

He decided not to worry too much about it.

His throat tickled a little.

The feeling didn’t go when he washed his mouth.

Or after he slept.

Or even when he ate lunch the next day.

In fact, he felt that the tickling got a little stronger the next day, when he was eating lunch at school.

Yamaguchi gave him a funny look. “Tsukki? Are you alright? You’ve been looking at that piece of meat for the past five minutes.” Yamaguchi’s expression changed to one of his closed-eye grins. “Are you savouring the taste? Just make sure it doesn’t go rotten in the next two years you spend admiring it!”

Tsukishima tore his gaze from his lunch box to look at Yamaguchi, offering a glare, before rolling his eyes.

A lot of the people they met believed Yamaguchi to be the most wholesome person. Timid and loving, and for the most, he was.

For the most.

But Tsukishima learnt that his personality wasn’t really as sickly sweet as everyone made it out to be. In fact, Yamaguchi’s humour wasn’t too far behind his own.

That’s what really drew Tsukishima to him after they became friends. Because for the start part of knowing Yamaguchi, Tsukishima wouldn’t hesitate to admit that he thought Yamaguchi was just a weak and shy kid, and that’s all there was to it.

But after the days they spent together, and the nights they spent with each other, Tsukishima learnt that there was so much more.

Yamaguchi was loving; giving affection even without being asked to. Tsukishima always bewildered by how Yamaguchi never judged anyone, no matter their looks, no matter their flaws, no matter his opinions.

Yamaguchi was determined; when he put his mind to something, he’d put his every effort into it, let it be as small as doing a favour, or something like practicing days on end to become a regular in the team. And when things didn’t go his way, he wouldn’t give up, he’d dust himself off and get back at it.

Tsukishima discovered that he was even strong, and confident; he was unsure of whether Yamaguchi was always this confident, or if it were something he’d developed later into the friendship, Tsukishima figured it didn’t matter.

Yamaguchi had grown strong, and that’s all that mattered. Tsukishima learnt that as much as Yamaguchi would ignore disrespects directed to himself, he wouldn’t hesitate to put a stop to them, whether for his own sake, or for a friend.

Yamaguchi also had a very similar sense of humour; even though he’d tell Tsukishima to lay off at times, Yamaguchi was still quite amusing, and Tsukishima wouldn’t hesitate to laugh along with him.

Tsukishima probably wouldn’t admit this out loud, but he admired Yamaguchi as much as Yamaguchi admired Tsukishima, possibly more.

Of course, Yamaguchi didn’t need to know that, not yet at least.

“Tsukki? Tsukki? Tsukishima Kei!”

The use of his full name broke Tsukishima out of his trance. His neck snapped, facing Yamaguchi. “Yes?” His throat rasped, possibly from the lack of talking, possibly from the petals he felt rising to his throat, Tsukishima attempted to swallow them down, it’s appearance at this very moment wasn’t wanted or needed.

“Sorry to break your private time with the new-found love of your life, but if you’re going to keep staring at your lunch, can I have it instead?” Yamaguchi smiled innocently, but Tsukishima knew the intention behind the poorly hid teasing grin.

Tsukishima decided that it wouldn’t hurt to go along with it for a little. “No, I think I’d like to stare at it a little longer. I’ve only _just_ found my love now, don’t wanna say goodbye just yet, you know?” A mischievous smile tugging at his lips.

Yamaguchi whined playfully, “eww, Tsukki! Get a room.”

The tickling in his throat intensified a little more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is very short (I’ll try to make them longer), but I wanted to give you a feel of this before I throw you head first into the angst- I mean- what?
> 
> Feedback is highly appreciated since I have no idea what I'm doing...  
> Let me know what you think about this so far, and where you think the story will go!! :)


	2. Eternal Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having volleyball practice didn’t make Tsukishima’s state any better. Neither did almost blocking a ball with his face- the ball which was probably going fast enough to knock a fully grown child out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, taking things downhill with the first chance I get

Having volleyball practice didn’t make Tsukishima’s state any better. Neither did almost blocking a ball with his face- the ball which was probably going fast enough to knock a fully grown child out. Luckily, he broke free of his daze, before that could happen, only to be interrogated by the team about his health.

“It’s fine, really. I’m fine.” The team looked at him unbelievingly, Tsukishima sighed lazily. “Just a little tired.”

Tsukishima wasn’t tired at all, but even if he told that to the team, they wouldn’t believe him. Nonetheless, they had a good point, Tsukishima didn’t usually play enthusiastically, but he didn’t play as lazy as this either.

And the truth was, he wasn’t _trying_ to be lazy, he was just distracted today. And he wasn’t fond about the idea of attracting attention to himself by confessing to the team that he had Hanahaki for an unknown love interest.

So, he settled on being ‘a little tired’.

Tsukishima felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned to meet Yamaguchi’s concerned eyes. “Tsukki? Are you sure you’re fine? You look quite pale.”

His throat became restricted, threatening to fall into a fit of coughing if he opened his mouth. Tsukishima swore under his breath.

He needed to leave now.

Bringing a hand up to his mouth, Tsukishima turned away, coughing into his hand, before muffling a quick, “excuse me.”

He grabbed his bag, and without even changing back into uniform, Tsukishima left before anyone could speak another word.

His strides lengthened as the answer burned in his mind.

The thought shook him to her core, yet it also came as no surprise.

Tsukishima removed his hand from his mouth and examined the petals in his hand, orange blossoms.

It was quite twisted, how beautiful the petals were, considering how dark the reason for seeing them was. It was truly a shame. The tiny, soft, white petals were blown away from his palm as he ran.

The answer was so obvious, yet it hadn’t crossed his mind once.

Oh, how iconic this was, he was in love with his _best friend_.

_He was in love with Yamaguchi._

Because of the endless time Tsukishima had spent with Yamaguchi, listening him ramble on about flowers and their meanings, the well memorized meaning of this flower was remembered at will.

Orange blossoms represented _eternal love_.

Thinking about it, this made sense, even though he might not have realised it at first, Tsukishima had been in love with Yamaguchi from the beginning.

He had labelled these feelings as ‘friendship’, and for the longest time, he believed that, but now, if he had Hanahaki, it meant that his feelings for Yamaguchi must be a little more than mere ‘friendship’.

 _“Why me?”_ Tsukishima asked whoever that set this terrible curse on him. 

What did the world have against him? Why couldn’t they leave him be? Let him fool himself, let him continue this stupid game of ‘friendship’.

His heart tugged in his ribcage, beating rapidly, as he stopped at his door. Tsukishima caught his breath, but even as his breathing slowed, the wheezing didn’t leave. There was something in his throat. He could physically feel it rising, threatening to choke him. And he could bet all his savings, he could guess what it was.

Bursting into the house, Tsukishima almost tripped over his own feet, pulling off his shoes messily and throwing his bag down, he raised a hand to block his mouth.

His throat burned; he could feel the petals scraping his throat despite their soft appearance. He ran to the bathroom, eyes watering as he thew himself above the toilet. He threw up, white petals spilling out like water. It was difficult to breathe with all these petals in his throat. He kept coughing, but they didn’t stop coming.

 _Please stop._ Pleading wasn’t going to save him. He continued to cough, waiting for an opening to let him breathe, but no such thing passed.

The petals were tiny, flying all over the place, and at last.

The petals stopped coming and Tsukishima gasped for air, only focusing on getting oxygen to prevent dying. Air filled his lungs, but the shaking in his body didn’t stop.

Tsukishima lifted a trembling hand to his mouth to prevent a sob, but that didn’t stop the tears from rushing down his face. They were coming at such speed that he didn’t even try to wipe them. He just sat there, in the middle of a mess of petals, toilet filled with petals too.

He cried to his heart’s content.

Why was he crying? Was it because he found out he was in love with his best friend who had never shown any sign of interest towards him? Or was it because the only reason he found this out was due to a fatal disease.

Either way, he continued crying, silently screaming into his hands.

After what felt like an eternity of crying, Tsukishima’s eyes dried out, leaving him alone with both the physical, and emotional pain.

He took a long breath and sighed loudly. Clicking his tongue, a wave of embarrassment passed.

He hadn’t cried this much in years, in fact, the last time he clearly remembered crying like this was probably in elementary school. When he went to his brother’s volleyball game, only to receive the disappointment of his life, and get robbed of his role model.

 _This is stupid. This is all so stupid. Just give me back my normal life._ It was useless to plead for his ‘normal life’, he knew it wasn’t coming back with this disease here.

Tsukishima stood up, dusting the petals off his clothes, _what a mess._

There was no point in sulking either.

Tsukishima flushed the petals down the toilet.

If he weren’t getting his normal life back, he could still pretend. He could pretend, continuing everything like he used to, and who knows, maybe he could manifest the problems away.

Tsukishima knew full and well that this was foolish thinking. He knew that he wasn’t going to magically get better. This wasn’t some sort of fictional film.

_There aren’t such things as ‘happy endings’ in real life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like, umm... yeah. Can you see where I'm going with this?
> 
> Please leave a comment, I enjoy knowing what you're thinking!!  
> Thanks for reading :)


	3. The Angel Sleeping In My Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sun showered directly on the boy, making him look ethereal. His soft face was glowing, almost radiating the light itself. Freckles splattered all over his face, a few trailing down his neck, and more peeking from behind the too large shirt, on his exposed shoulders.
> 
> The only thing missing were the halo and wings, and he’d be set to be called an angel.

Tsukishima Kei didn’t exactly _hate_ any subject.

Not like that meant he loved a subject either. Maybe once in a while he’d enjoy a class, and sometimes dislike one.

At the moment, he disliked this class very much. It was dragging along, excruciatingly slow, and the annoying itch at the back of his throat didn’t help matters.

His eyes trailed to Yamaguchi’s face at the desk beside his. Mirroring Tsukishima, Yamaguchi’s elbow was rested on the desk, and chin was rested on his hand.

Tsukishima internally smiled to himself.

Even slouching, Yamaguchi looked as perfect as can be. A calm expression flooded his face, not showing any signs of disinterest to the class, but not looking fully focused either.

Yamaguchi’s head was tilted up a little, saving his eyes from the blinding sunlight, but that left the bottom half of his face in the sun. Freckles standing out beautifully, speckled across his face and cute nose, his skin was slightly tan. Hair so dark, it could cross as green, matching his dark green eyes.

The sight looked painfully familiar. Tsukishima realised that was because he’d seen it before.

_Tsukishima cracked an eye open, the sunlight peeked from behind the half-closed curtain, flooding the room with light. He shut his eyes instantly, but the light had chased all his sleep away._

_He opened his eyes again, slowly adjusting to the light._

_He felt movement from beside him and his eyes landed on the small boy huddled up to his chest._

_The sun showered directly on the boy, making him look ethereal. His soft face was glowing, almost radiating the light itself. Freckles splattered all over his face, a few trailing down his neck, and more peeking from behind the too large shirt, on his exposed shoulders._

_At the time, it hadn’t crossed Tsukishima’s mind that he’d have freckles on places of his body, other than his face._

_Tsukishima pulled his hand from out of the covers and ‘booped’ the boy’s nose, giggling at the way he scrunched his nose lazily. His eyes were closed, the sun casting shadows of his abnormally long eyelashes onto his cheeks._

_Tsukishima continued lying next to the boy, admiring how beautiful he looked even with his hair messy, listening to his soft, peaceful breaths._

_The only thing missing were the halo and wings, and he’d be set to be called an angel._

_It hurt Tsukishima, how much the boy despised his own looks, how the boy overlooked the tremendous amount of beauty he himself had._

_Inside and out._

_Tsukishima watched as one of the other’s eyelashes fell, gracefully landing on his cheek._

_Their faces were close enough for Tsukishima to blow the eyelash off. He blew softly, the boy cringed, but didn’t wake, the eyelash however, didn’t budge._

_Tsukishima moved his hand towards the boy’s face, careful to not disturb him. He placed a hand on his cheek, cupping it softly. He ran his thumb over the eyelash, which landed on the boy’s pillow._

_Tsukishima didn’t move his hand._

_Instead, he continued to slowly run his fingers over the boy’s cheek, memorizing each and every beautiful freckle._

_He stared at the boy in complete wonder of how a human could be so perfect._

_Was he dreaming?_

_He was pulled out of his thoughts when the boy beside him yawned softly, eyelashes fluttering, he opened his eyes and met Tsukishima’s._

_Immediately, the boy broke into a clumsy smile. One that was enough to make Tsukishima stare forever, and not care about anything else in the world. It was one he’d only see rarely and know it’s a blessing for anyone who saw it._

_The boy pulled his own hand out from the covers too, bringing it towards his own face, and placing it on top of Tsukishima’s hand, “good morning Tsukki.” His sleepy voice was enough to make Tsukishima blush uncontrollably._

_Tsukishima felt his heart beating for the first time._

_Not that it wasn’t beating before, but he’d never noticed it unless consciously trying to. But now, it was loud enough for him to hear it drumming in his ears, and he prayed silently that the boy who caused it couldn’t hear it too._

_The boy didn’t make any signs of hearing it, he continued to smile his sleepy smile, without a care in the world._

_It was at that moment, Tsukishima decided that Yamaguchi didn’t need wings or a halo; he was already an angel, and nothing could ever convince him otherwise._

That was the first time Tsukki had felt his heart, beat as hard as that, and now that he carefully thought about it, Yamaguchi was always the cause of it.

Surely all people felt that way with their best friends, right?

Wrong.

Even now, looking at Yamaguchi, he didn’t look sleepy at all, neither was he wearing an oversized shirt, and his hair wasn’t messy at all either, but he had the same peaceful face, as he listened to the teacher’s droning voice, and Tsukishima felt his heart pounding at his chest, threatening to leap out and confess his feelings.

He wasn’t allowed to feel this way. These feelings were unwanted and were just getting in the way on their friendship. Heck, it was getting in the way of his _life_ , and he would like nothing more to tell them to go fuck themselves.

Except, he couldn’t; this was a one-way road.

There was no getting rid of the disease. Sure, he could slow down the process by holding back on his far too many interactions with Yamaguchi, but there was no getting rid of the fact that Yamaguchi didn’t like him back.

A friend: that’s all Yamaguchi thought of him, and that’s all Tsukishima would ever be to him. However, soon enough, he might just not be that either, because Yamaguchi didn’t have a fatal disease holding him back from loving someone unattainable.

Yamaguchi was free to find someone and fall in love. He could confess to them without worrying about the stake of his life, and if they rejected him, oh well. But if they accepted him, Yamaguchi had the chance to be happy with who he loved.

Someone that wasn’t Tsukishima.

Someone that would never be Tsukishima.

Someone he loved more than Tsukishima.

Tsukishima’s breathing abruptly became scarce, the petals in his airway causing him to wheeze. His heart pace quickened, and panic set in. The beating in his chest got louder, and so did his breathing. If he stayed in here any longer, he was sure he’d cough up flowers uncontrollably, and he certainly did _not_ want to deal with all the drama after that.

Tsukishima raised from his chair, asking for permission to use the bathroom, trying to keep his voice as nonchalant as ever. The teacher nodded and Tsukishima set off as fast as he could without looking suspicious.

He could feel Yamaguchi’s burning gaze, but he couldn’t risk looking at him to reassure him. Not when he would risk immediately throwing up literal flower petals and having to explain everything to him.

The journey to the bathroom felt longer than it ever had. The sound of his empty coughing filling the hallways, before long, the flowers would start to come. He needed to hurry.

Speed walking turned to long strides: running.

 _Shit._ What use were these long legs if they couldn’t go as fast as he wanted?

The coughing became worse, making it more, and more, difficult to keep the petals from advancing.

_Please, just a little longer._

Bursting into the male lavatory, Tsukishima threw himself into a stall, narrowly locking the door and heaving himself above the toilet.

The petals came in bunches, dozens of petals at a time. He coughed them out violently, choking on them as he tried to take abrupt breaths in the short intervals.

His coughing eliminated the silence in the bathroom, bouncing off walls, and echoing through the halls, and he prayed that no one was around to hear it.

Scraping his throat, they continued rising to his mouth, stealing all the space, leaving no room for oxygen, Tsukishima continued coughing them out, into the toilet, in attempt to make room for oxygen, but more petals just kept coming.

_Air._

Tsukishima gasped at the opportunity, taking in oxygen, and choking on the last petal in his throat.

He hacked the petal until it came back up, spitting it out. Tsukishima raised his arm and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

His research had stated that the disease begins to become serious when the flowers come out whole.

Tsukishima looked down at the petals in the toilet in front, these flowers weren’t fully formed yet, just bunches of petals.

 _Good_. He still had time.

 _Time?_ Since when, was he bidding his time?

No, that didn’t matter at the moment.

He could continue like this for a little longer and it wouldn’t hurt anybody. He knew he wasn’t fooling anyone but himself. But he could continue fooling himself for a little longer.

Just a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be shy, leave a comment on what you think. :D


	4. One Paper Note Was All It Took

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week.
> 
> That’s how long it took for things to get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All your nice comments make me so, so happy, I can't even explain how much I appreciate them!! I hope you enjoy reading this fic as much as I enjoy writing it!! :))
> 
> Also, am I updating too soon?? I know it's so short, but I chopped this chapter in half since I didn't want to throw so much at you all at once-

A week.

That’s how long it took for things to get worse.

It wasn’t as bad as for him not to be able to keep the petals in at times, but when he finally let them out, the orange blossom petals would come in by bunches, Tsukishima coughing them up for minutes at a time.

It begun hurting badly.

So much for looking ‘tiny and delicate’, those petals felt like fucking nailbrushes against his airway, Tsukishima was sure if someone took a picture of throat, it wouldn’t look anything close to what it was supposed to.

Grazed, and sore, it even hurt to eat some foods.

Tsukishima would spend minutes on end, in the bathroom, coughing all over the place. It was inevitable that his mother would notice at some point.

Sooner or later didn’t matter.

* * *

The first time his mother noticed, Tsukishima lied, saying that it was just some food stuck in his throat. From the way she slightly frowned, he could tell that she didn’t believe him, but she didn’t persist at it, pursing her lips, and nodding sceptically.

When his coughing sessions became frequent, she got back at it, interrogating him about it, but he didn’t want to make a big deal out of such trivial matters.

Nevertheless, the constant questions were irritating, but he knew she meant well, after all it was honest concern.

So, he didn’t snap back, he didn’t leave dramatically, he didn’t even roll his eyes. Tsukishima just sighed wearily. Carrying this burden on his back, along with his studies _and_ volleyball too, took a huge toll on him.

But.

This wasn’t anyone else’s problem; it was _his_ burden.

 _He_ had gone and fallen in love with an interest who _most definitely_ did _not_ have feelings in return, so _he_ had to solve this.

“Mom. I have a slight problem.” The boy did his best to look sincere. “But it’s okay. I promise _I’m_ okay.”

 _Lies_.

A smile would be a huge leap from his usual self, but then again, she knew something was up and Tsukishima wasn’t his usual self, right now.

So, mentally preparing himself, he placed a hand on her arm reassuringly, and tried to replicate the smile he’d flashed at Yamaguchi sometimes. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

This seemed to satisfy her apprehension, she chuckled in complete relief, apologizing for her tenaciousness.

It tugged at his heart. Was it really okay, lying to her like this? Was this fair on _her_ behalf?

 _No._ He couldn’t back out of this now. He was doing this for her good, he didn’t want her to stress or worry about him unnecessarily. _It was for the best_.

Collecting his book bag, Tsukishima ran upstairs to his room, the unwanted guilt weighing him down. At least it kept his mind away from the never-ending prickling in his chest.

What he needed right now was a two-hour, music and study session.

Tsukishima collected his headphones, wearing them and blasting his personalised playlist, before taking his books out and resting at his desk. He still had heaps of work from the class he missed- the one he had been busy coughing up petals in the bathroom during.

How fucking hilarious it would’ve sounded to him if he was told about this a few years back.

Now, just thinking about it left a bitter taste in his mouth, and a strange hurt in his heart. 

Well, there’s nothing better than distracting yourself- running away- from your problems. 

So here he was, doing exactly that.

Tsukishima pulled out his books and sorted them accordingly. His textbook laid out in front of him, he flipped the pages, in beat with the music, searching for the chapter he missed. 

_Page 121, page 122, page, 123, pag_ -. Tsukishima froze at the bright blue note placed carefully between the pages. 

_“Hey Tsukki! You missed quite a bit of class today, so I took some notes for you. :p Sorry, they’re not the best, but they might be of some use. You’re welcome!! :) Hope you’re okay.”_

The words replayed in his mind.

_“Hope you’re okay.”_

Tsukishima stared at the tiny note attached to another page of notes. _Of course,_ Yamaguchi would do something like this. His kindness had never been a secret, but it honestly confused Tsukishima. How could Yamaguchi be so nice and good willed, naturally? 

_Why?_ He never benefited from more than half the things he’d done, yet he still did them. _Why?_

Especially himself.

It was a mystery to him, why Yamaguchi still hadn’t left him for better friends. Friends that could treat him better, and show him his worth, and didn’t have unnecessary feelings for him.

As soon as all these thoughts entered his head, he began coughing again.

Throat barely healed, it got scratched raw _again._ Petals raising to his throat, he coughed them out onto his lap, but before he could rest, more and more just kept coming. Tsukishima clutched at his chest as an invisible attacker jabbed at his lungs.

He lurched forward, holding his torso tightly and the coughing died down. 

He spat the last few petals out of his mouth and stared at the mess in front. Petals scattered all over him, littered on the floor below. A sigh escaped his mouth as he switched on his phone.

Into the search bar, Tsukishima typed, ‘Hanahaki’.

Tens of thousands of results popped up, and he tapped on the top site.

Scrolling through, his gaze lingered on the section which explained the speed of the growing process. According to the information, the disease was supposed to take months to grow. 

His heart paced and stress filled his veins. Tsukishima’s flowers had started coming faster in only _a week_.

_Oh._

It made sense that his had grown so much faster. Even if he didn’t consciously know it, he’d been in love with Yamaguchi for a long time.

Plus, he saw him every day, triggering his feelings, this meant that the growing process would be faster. Being completely honest with himself, it was short of a miracle that he didn’t get the disease sooner.

But he was _so_ , _so_ tired.

Honestly, Tsukishima wasn’t even sure if it was physically, mentally, or emotionally.

All he knew was that he just wanted to lie down on a soft cloud, close his eyes, and sleep for three weeks. Slowly drifting away from all his problems, all his complications, _everything_. 

So, he collected all the petals, chucking them in a plastic bag and stuffing it in his bin, before throwing himself onto his bed.

He still had homework to do, along with taking a shower, and eating food to cure his grumbling stomach. But that could wait, all he needed to do now was sleep his troubles away.

Music still playing, it didn’t take long for Tsukishima to drift off, it seemed like he _really did_ need a rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor boy Tsukki. 
> 
> I love getting to know your thoughts on this, so feel free to tell me what you're thinking!!  
> Lmk if you think I should slow down on the updates


	5. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They did it.
> 
> They did it? They did it, they really did it.
> 
> The whistle signalling their victory over Shiratorizawa, the outburst of the team, the loud cheering of the audience, it all filled the gym, but Tsukishima’s heart’s beating echoed louder in his ears, louder than it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sure hope you're prepared <3

Yamaguchi looked up at him and grinned wide.

_At him._

“Tsukki, stop staringgg,” he complained playfully. “It’s very rude, you know.” The green-eyed boy crossed his arms over his chest in an authority stance- except, it was more endearing than intimidating.

Tsukishima laughed, poking the other boy in the side, where he least expected it. Yamaguchi almost fell over onto the grass because of how he jumped at Tsukishima’s touch. “Tsukki, don’t do that!! I’m ticklish.”

However, that just gave Tsukishima more ideas. His hands crept up to Yamaguchi’s side, as he confronted him with another tickle attack.

Yamaguchi let out a loud squeal, transforming into an outburst of vibrant giggles. His pleads went unnoticed, and Tsukishima continued to tickle him.

Yamaguchi leaned back, attempting to escape from the other boy’s clutches, and Tsukishima advanced on him, until they fell over, splaying out over the grass in a tangle of limbs.

Unfortunately, for the two of them, their position was bizarre enough, to force them to go tumbling down the hill, rolling over each other, until they came to a standstill.

Yamaguchi had ended up spread over Tsukishima; he lifted his head, attempting a glare at the boy underneath him, but it came out as more of a puzzled expression. “Tsukishima Kei! Now my entire body feels like it’s been run over by a bulldozer, and it’s all your fault!!”

Tsukishima smirked up at him, “that’s right. Sue me.” He didn’t mind being scolded by Yamaguchi- even if he knew Yamaguchi was just playing around- it was nice to see Yamaguchi at complete confidence.

Yamaguchi whined again, letting himself fall down onto Tsukishima, knocking the wind out of him. He laughed into Tsukishima’s chest, and Tsukishima couldn’t help but laugh along with him.

Everything felt so normal like this, like it was meant to be. The closure between them, the tickle of Yamaguchi’s long hair on Tsukishima’s chin, the familiar scent of Yamaguchi’s shampoo filling Tsukishima’s lungs, the warmth of Yamaguchi’s hand spreading to Tsukishima’s own hand, as he laced their fingers together.

Tsukishima could do this forever; this is what he wanted. He wanted to spend his days on end with Yamaguchi, needing nothing but his presence. 

But of course, like everything else, this fantasy didn’t last long, and Tsukishima woke up once again.

Alone again.

* * *

Tsukishima was still fooling himself a month later.

He _thought_ he was doing well, because even though it hadn’t gotten any better, the disease hadn’t gotten any worse either.

Well… that was the case until he was in the bathroom during class one day **.**

It was last period, which was good because it meant he was able to go home soon, but it was also terrible because it meant he had to go to after school practice and risk his disease becoming known by his team.

Yamaguchi’s crush on their second manager was awfully obvious too. Whenever Yachi offered him a towel, or a water bottle, or even just talked to him, Yamaguchi would spiral off into a fit of stuttering and blushing. Not to mention the way the Yamaguchi would make him walk to Yachi’s class so they could go to practice together. Tsukishima figured it was only a matter of time before Yamaguchi even offered to walk her home every night.

Tsukishima felt himself lurch forward as the coughing became worse. He coughed, noticing the way they were bigger, coming in huge bunches that barely fit through his throat. They kept coming, faster and faster, partially formed orange blossoms falling into the toilet, slowly filling it up.

He couldn’t breath and still after what felt like forever, they kept coming. Streaks of his red blood staining them.

Shit. This was bad. This was _so fucking_ bad. There was blood now too. He didn’t know how much longer he could go; the flowers were scratching at his sore and aching throat.

His coughing was loud enough for anyone outside the bathroom to hear. Tsukishima just hoped that there weren’t any teachers around to ask questions.

If they found out, they’d be sure to inform his family about this, and he was not going to like that.

_Come on Kei. Breathe!_

The flowers slowed down, there were a few left in his throat that he coughed out, except for that one petal that _just wouldn’t budge_. He gave up. Even though it itched his throat badly, it could stay there for now.

His eyes locked onto the filled toilet. Dozens, of partially formed orange blossoms lying there. All splattered red with blood.

It was a shame how beautiful they were.

He squeezed his eyes shut, but that didn’t stop the few unexpected tears from rolling down his face, onto his shirt and lap. They stung at his eyes and wet his cheeks, but he wasn’t going to break down again.

He removed his glasses to cover his face with his hands.

He was so frustrated, and pained, and mad, and… tired. He was tired.

A strained laugh escaped his mouth. _Pathetic. This is stupid! What am I even doing?_

The idiot duos; Hinata and Kageyama. Tsukishima would’ve expected an act as stupid as this to be from them. It would make sense if one of those idiots did something as foolish as this, but him?

He didn’t expect himself to ever do something this absurd. 

* * *

They did it.

 _They did it?_ They did it, they really did it.

The whistle signalling their victory over Shiratorizawa, the outburst of the team, the loud cheering of the audience, it all filled the gym, but Tsukishima’s heart’s beating echoed louder in his ears, louder than it all.

Yamaguchi threw himself onto Tsukishima, pulling him into a firm but comfortable hug; he’d always been a wonderful hugger, but that’s not what Tsukishima needed at the moment, in fact, it was the opposite of what he needed. The close contact burnt at Tsukishima’s skin, growing warm, and causing his heart to pace rapidly.

Yamaguchi’s hugs always caused Tsukishima’s heart to pace, and a strange feeling to settle in his stomach, except this time it was so different. Instead of a wave of comfort and relief, there came a wave of pain and anxiety.

Tsukishima knew he wasn’t supposed to feel like this. They just earnt their ticket to Nationals but here he was, stifling his coughing anxiously. He was supposed to feel at least the tiniest bit of happiness, but there was only room for one thought.

_I need to leave._

He couldn’t breathe. The flowers were digging into this lungs, blooming higher, and higher into airway. Tsukishima could still feel Yamaguchi on him, he squeezed the boy back in response to the hug, before pulling away and excusing himself.

He didn’t have time to wait for Yamaguchi’s response, or tell the rest of the team that he was leaving.

He needed to get away.

Turning around, he fled into the back, running through the halls in search of the bathroom. The area was still packed with people, making it all the more difficult to find a deserted place. His breathing sounded ragged, and Tsukishima was now wheezing; just the sound of that was frightening, and it took his best efforts to remain calm so it wouldn’t worsen his state. The flowers had now filled almost all the breathing space, and he could feel the metallic taste of blood.

The world began to spin, he shook his head, but it didn’t do much. The floor was now moving in circles beneath his feet. 

_Air_.

He needed to breath.

At last, he caught sight of familiar sign for the bathroom, and dashed into there, not even bothering to close the door as the boy threw himself over the sink.

Just as Tsukishima opened his mouth, the coughing began, fully grown flowers pouring out, covered with blood, that changed the pure white flowers into red ones.

With each cough, the flowers ripped at his throat even more. He was sure some of the blood was probably from his wounded mouth.

Large blossoms spilled into the sink, filling it to the point where they overflowed onto the ground. He was forced to hold the sides of the sink in order to keep himself standing.

The pain was unbearable. His chest felt like it was on fire, while his throat felt like he had swallowed jagged, scorching, rocks, Tsukishima’s every forceful cough causing his whole body to lurch forward. How much longer could he keep this up?

He couldn’t breathe and the blood-soaked petals just kept coming. All his energy had been drained in the match; he didn’t even have enough to keep himself standing. Tsukishima lowered himself to the ground steadily but the world around him was spinning.

Where was he?

He blinked himself in and out of his wavering consciousness. The flowers were filling his airway again. He needed to cough them out, but his pitiable attempts weren’t doing much. He leaned against the wall behind him, as more flowers and blood spilt onto his lap.

_Is this it?_

Was he seriously going to die because of a pathetic _love disease_? It was his own fault anyways; he’d chosen not to get cured. But maybe… it was okay like this? Just maybe he wasn’t as devastated as he should’ve been. He was tired, and now he was finally being offered a rest.

It was just a bit depressing though, that it had cost him his life for a rest.

The world went black around him, but muffled voices all around still rung in his ears.

The voice sounded a bit urgent, _why_?

Tsukishima couldn’t make out what they were saying.

Were they calling out to him? He couldn’t tell.

The dying boy could still smell the familiar smell of the orange blossoms, he could still taste the flowers and blood, and he could still feel the pain in his chest- but not for much longer, because it soon all went away, leaving him with nothingness.

_Pathetic._


	6. Hanahaki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was dark. Everything was quiet- well except for that irritating beeping noise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated this chapter as soon as I finished updating. I didn't make you want for too long for this chapter (considering how the last one ended)  
> But it's here now!!! 
> 
> Enjoy :))

_Where am I?_

Everything was dark. Everything was quiet- well except for that irritating beeping noise.

 _Is this hell_? Even after death he’d be haunted by annoyances. _Fucking fantastic._

He couldn’t feel anything, was he even still human? If so, where was his body? He couldn’t see anything, let alone _feel_ anything.

Well, maybe except for the strange throbbing in his chest, near his heart?

Where his heart was supposed to be _if he was still human_.

Was he still human?

Was he even _alive_? Dead?

It would make sense if the pulsing he felt, was his heart beating.

Did that mean he’s alive?

But he couldn’t feel anything.

He couldn’t move either; it felt like his insides were removed and replaced with weights. And along with that, he also had a dozen or so chains holding his down.

He wanted to _see_. He wanted to _feel_. He tried to do something that was close to what he felt was moving; nothing happened.

This was so _frustrating_.

Wasn’t this _his_ body? Why couldn’t he control it then?

He tried again, this time focusing on what he wanted to do.

If he couldn’t move his whole body, he’d start small.

Locating what he believed to be his hand, he focused on moving his fingers. He knew there was _something_ there, he just needed to control it.

Putting all his effort, a spark flew through his body, he could _feel_ his hand, he could _feel_ his fingers moving.

The satisfaction didn’t last long. If he were here, and alive, why couldn’t he see? Was he _blind_? Was it just dark?

Most importantly, _where_ was he?

A weight could be felt on his eyes: eyelids?

Refocusing his attention to where his eyes were supposed to be, he tried opening his eyes, maybe then, he’d know where on earth he was. _If he even still was on earth._

 _Congratulations!_ He sounded exactly like the grand king with that ridiculous extra-terrestrial obsession.

It was easier to open his eyes, than it was to move. Cracking it open a little, he made sure to adjust to the lighting, before opening them completely, not that it even was that bright there.

Even so, the light was a sudden change to the absolute darkness he had been stuck in, for who knows how long.

_Eh?_

There was nothing there. A flickering greyness to be exact.

His discovery of nothingness was interrupted by a very sudden tug on his left arm. His peaceful silence was stolen, and replace the blaring sound of a soft voice, not that he liked the silence… it was somewhat startling while it lasted.

He then realised that the blank greyness, was indeed a ceiling.

He tilted his head towards the side of the voice. Gold hair, short enough to just brush her shoulders. Caramel brown eyes, shining alertly. Her expression was somewhat alarmed, but this was familiar, she looked like this often, just… it was more tense than he’d ever seen it

His eyes met with the figure of a very startled Yachi Hitoka- the noises coming from her mouth, only then, started to be processed as real words.

His body felt considerable lighter as he pulled himself up into a sitting position on what he comprehended to be a bed, even if it was still a significantly difficult task.

“Don’t push yourself too much Tsukishima-kun, your body is still weak from the anaesthetic.”

He actually processed the words this time. It was another voice this time.

As he sat up in the bed, he looked up to the owner of the other voice. Tsukishima recognised the calm man as one of his upperclassmen and teammate. Sugawara. He was sitting on a chair on the right side of Tsukishima’s bed, opposite Yachi, who was sitting on a stool on Tsukishima’s left side.

 _This is… peculiar_. “What-” Tsukishima’s voice came out all rasped, it scratched at his throat.

Only then, did he realise there was an oxygen mask on his mouth, muffling his voice. For all he knew, he hadn’t talked in years.

However, seeing both his teammates, who didn’t look a day older than what they did when he saw them last, probably meant that he wasn’t in that darkness for as long as it felt.

Tsukishima reached to his face weakly, removing the mask and a sudden cold gasp of air filled his lungs. Clearing his throat, Tsukishima tried again. “What are you guys doing here?”

Yachi visibly calmed down after hearing him talk, Suga looked at him compassionately… but it was a different expression, he was obviously more worried than he was letting on.

Tsukishima didn’t prod, his senpai already looked tired as is, who knows how long the two of them had been sitting there. He reached out to take his glasses when Yachi offered them.

Sugawara’s soft voice broke the tension filled air. “I’m sure you have more questions than what we’re doing here, so I’ll try to answer the ones I’m sure you want to know.”

Tsukishima weakly raised an eyebrow at this but didn’t oppose. If he could get answers without thinking of questions, he wouldn’t argue.

“First of all,” Sugawara started, voice unwavering, “you’re in the hospital. I found you in the bathroom, in a state between consciousness and unconsciousness.”

Tsukishima’s memories revealed the voice he remembered calling out to him before he passed out.

Suga placed a hand reassuringly on top of Tsukishima’s. “You weren’t breathing,” He visibly stiffened. Suga was sweating, eyes very red, presumably from crying, his posture sickly straight, but it didn’t hide the way his hands and shoulders begun trembling slightly.

“You were choking on something, and assuming from the mess of flowers and blood, I guessed it was that. I was going to call an ambulance, but I wasn’t sure if you’d hold out for long enough.”

His gaze averted to the floor. “I ended up helping you cough out the lump of flowers you were choking on, but you were still very weak. Hitoka-chan helped me take you to the car, and I drove you here.”

From the lack of response, Sugawara guessed that Tsukishima didn’t remember any of that. “The doctors put you in intensive care because you were still coughing out a great amount of flowers, along with a lot a blood, and given your state, there was a huge chance you’d choke on them without supervision.”

Bringing back his glazed-over eyes, to meet Tsukishima’s, Suga’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why didn’t you tell us?” His voice cracked, “why did you put yourself through all of this _alone_? Why did you do this to yourself?”

Tsukishima’s eyes traced the blood-stained blanket on his lap. “I’m fine.”

 _More lies_.

That was a very big lie, and all three students knew.

He’d just been on the verge of death, suffocated by his own deadly ‘love flowers’; he wasn’t ‘ _fine’_.

Tsukishima attempted at driving the conversation away from what he knew was coming up. “Thank you so much for helping me, I’m better now. I’m guessing that you’re both very tired, you should go home and rest.” He nodded his head in appreciation, hoping they took the hint to leave him to drown in his sorrows.

Tsukishima should’ve known better. Maybe a tiny part of him did know better, and he was just so, so tired of fighting on his own.

Even so, like every other time, he pushed the thought away.

Sugawara squeezed his hand. “Please just tell us who they are. Let us help you.”

Flicking his gaze, Tsukishima stayed silent for a few seconds.

As much as he’d like to believe his senpai, he knew there was no way anyone could help him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sugawara-senpai. I don’t think I need help either.”

Tsukishima watched as Suga sighed wearily.

The hours of stressing could be seen clearly on his face. Suga eyed him until Tsukishima gave in and looked up to meet his tired gaze. Suga’s voice came out small, “I was so scared.” His eyes were now watering, threatening to spill tears down his pale face. “You weren’t moving, and you were hardly breathing.” He blinked the tears away. “Please just tell Yamaguchi.”

Tsukishima froze, narrowing his eyes at his upperclassman, he pulled his hand away faster than necessary. “What does any of this have to do with Yamaguchi. We may be friends, but he doesn’t need to know every little thing that happens in my life.”

Suga watched him closely. “I’m not sure if you’re playing dumb, or if you actually don’t know, but I’ll let you know that you may be fooling others, but you’re not fooling me.”

He exhaled, “you’ve been ‘sick’ these past few months. Yamaguchi’s told me about all those classes you’ve missed because you’d have coughing fits, and you’d leave class. I’ve seen the way you look at him, I _know_ it’s Yamaguchi.”

Sugawara hid his face in his hands, running his fingers through his messy silver hair. “I had a hunch about this, but I decided to leave it since I wasn’t certain. I should’ve just confronted you about it, if I did, this wouldn’t have happened. You wouldn’t have had to gone through all that.”

His voice became so quiet, almost a whisper, and it was difficult to hear him, but Tsukishima caught his next words. “I’m- I’m so sorry, Tsukishima-kun.” His face was hidden, but they could hear the strain in Suga’s voice, threatening to break him down.

_Shit._ Tsukishima swallowed thickly. He didn’t know if should comforted him, but he _did_ know that none of this was anyone’s fault, but his own.

It appeared that Suga had known all along, there was no point in trying to conceal it anymore.

“You’re wrong,” Tsukishima began. “The only person to blame is myself, I shouldn’t have caught feelings. And either way, you couldn’t have done anything anyways. You’ve already done much by bringing me here and I’m hugely grateful for that, but I’m fine, and Yamaguchi doesn’t need to know anything.”

Yachi was still looking at the ground, unspeaking. Suga spoke again, this time his voice sounded a little stronger. “A few years back, I actually…” his voice trailed off. “I uh, well- I had Hanahaki too.”

Both Tsukishima's, and Yachi’s heads snapped up, staring at Sugawara in shock. _Sugawara-senpai had Hanahaki too?_ _That means…_

Suga continued talking in his strangled sounded voice, “I ended up leaving it to continue growing for too long… and,” his eyes darkened. “Well, let’s say it isn’t something I’d ever want someone else to go through, let alone my own teammate. I left it to the last minute to confess, and it turned out that he actually liked me back.”

Sugawara rubbed the back of his head with his hand, sheepishly, before his expression became sharp. He stared sternly at Tsukishima. “I hate seeing you like this, I really just want the best for all my friends. So please, _please_ , just confess to Yamaguchi.” His eyes lit up. “For all you know, he could like you too.”

Tsukishima groaned wearily. _No, he was wrong. Yamaguchi didn’t know anything._ “No,” he replied flatly. “I know Yamaguchi doesn’t like me back. We _all_ know that. We don’t need me to bring something as _stupid_ as my petty love in between our friendship.”

Yachi interrupted, voice soft but very solid, “I’m sorry Tsukishima-kun, but I don’t believe your love is stupid, or petty. I can see how much you value Yamaguchi, that you’d give up your love, you’d give up on _yourself_ , all for your friendship.”

Her face relaxed, giving him a gentle smile. “but you shouldn’t underestimate Yamaguchi either, I’m sure if you told him about your situation, he would try to love you too. Yamaguchi values you too, and I’m most definitely sure he’d do anything for you.”

Tsukishima understood her intentions, but he couldn’t help but get irritated at the thought of her of all people, being the one to tell him that. He tried to push the thought back to the depths of his mind where it came from. 

“Yeah, but it’s not fair to him if I put him in that situation,” Tsukishima reasoned. “Yamaguchi shouldn’t have to try to love someone just because they’re going to die, it’s not fair to him. Just because we’ve been friends for longer than anyone else, isn’t going to make him suddenly fall in love with me.” His voice fell, “I _know_ he doesn’t like me back… not in the way I do at least.”

Tsukishima watched as his two teammates looked at him without responding. There was something in their eyes, something close to sadness, but not quite it. Tsukishima gritted his teeth as he realised what their expression was, the heat grew in his neck, and he couldn’t stop his voice from rising, “don’t fucking look at me like that! Don’t look at me with that… _pity_!”

Suddenly, both conscious of their expression, it quickly changed to surprise, as they witnessed Tsukishima’s outburst. Tsukishima was always a reserved person, as much as what left his mouth was almost always something snarky, he hadn’t raised his voice before. He hadn’t lost his cool before but seeing as he had stayed quiet all this time, he was bound to break at some point.

“I _don’t_ need your pity. I can choose to make stupid choices if I want to.”

The tightness in his chest tugged and writhed around. Bulges of tears building up in his eyes. He was no longer sure, if the pain in his chest was from the ache of his heart, or the flower roots, digging deep into his lungs. Tsukishima gulped, “I can choose to die for something as stupid as love.”

_There_. He said it.

What he’d been running away from these past few months. What he’d been in denial for in these past few months. Saying it out loud made it feel so real… yet he didn’t feel any regret. He was willing to die for Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi came into his life that day, bringing his smiles and happiness, and never left his side after that. He never left Tsukishima’s side, not after Tsukishima had ignored him for the first few weeks, not when Tsukishima was given the biggest disappointment of his life at his brother’s game, and not even when they began falling into a comfortable friendship.

Yamaguchi had never left him alone. Tsukishima didn’t want to be alone.

Tsukishima didn’t care if Yamaguchi couldn’t reciprocate his feelings, as long as he were able to stay by Yamaguchi’s side, as long as he were able to love Yamaguchi, Tsukishima didn’t care what he would be forced to go through.

Tears swelling in his eyes, he no longer had the strength to keep them in check. Tsukishima gave up, letting them run down his cheeks, onto his clenched fists on his lap. Struggled sobs escaped his mouth as he lifted his hand to remove his glasses and cover his face with his hands, but the tears slipped through, running down his arms.

Sugawara and Yachi, in shock, from either his willingness to give up, or his sudden meltdown, were both quick to rush to his aid. Suga placed a hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder, but he shrugged it off, uncovering his face again, he didn’t look at all composed.

Nose and eyes very red, tear stained cheeks, and an overall weariness, his voice came out small and weak, quiet enough that he almost missed it himself. “I’d honestly die for him.”

Suga pulled his arm away, and Yachi froze in her spot. By now, they’d both figured that he was completely serious about this. He was actually willing to let himself die.

Tsukishima wasn’t finished. “He’s worth dying for. Yamaguchi. He’s the most perfect being, and I feel like shit for not being able to confess to him.” His breathing was becoming heavy, and his chest felt confined, making him wheeze the words out. “I just wish I had given him more, even just as friends.”

The thoughts of his best friend flooded his mind, flowers once again growing, taking his breathing room. “He’s so strong, and even during his rough times, he’d always faced me with a smile, yet I couldn’t even bring myself to return the gesture, let alone tell him that my feelings exceed a normal friendship’s.”

Tsukishima began coughing, hard and loud. Fully formed orange blossoms, coated in deep red blood spilled onto his lap, unstopping. It was difficult to keep up with the speed they were blooming, gasping for air with the little room in his airway he had. He could physically feel the flowers twisting and turning, digging into his lungs.

It _hurt_ , it hurt so much, but knowing the pain didn’t stop it.

The sounds became distant, he heard shouting, presumably Yachi and Suga calling for a doctor. The world started spinning again, Tsukishima closed his eyes, tears once again rolling down his cheeks.

He had little energy, using it all to cough out the flowers in attempt to stop himself from choking on them, but they just _didn’t stop coming_.

The flowers scratched at his throat and mouth, leaving it grazed and tender.

Tsukishima was _tired_. He was tired, and in pain.

_What was the point anymore?_

If life brought all this pain and struggling, then why should he live?

He gave up trying to cough the flowers out, and they began building up in his lungs along with blood, pushing up into his throat.

There wasn’t any room to let oxygen in, he couldn’t breathe, and the panic finally set in.

He couldn’t breathe.

 _He couldn’t fucking breathe_.

He was going to _die_.

He was going to die without saying goodbye to his mom. He was going to die without telling his brother that he’d forgiven him. He was going to die without winning nationals with his teammates, with his _friends_.

_He was going to die without confessing to Yamaguchi._

Tsukishima couldn’t think straight anymore, his consciousness wavering.

_Well, this is it._

_You brought this upon yourself, so here it is._

_At least you won’t be in pain anymore._

_That’s a nice thought; no pain_.

The beating in his chest became unsteady, and he stopped struggling.

A final image flickered through his mind; Yamaguchi smiling, smiling at _him_.

_I'm sorry_ , _Yamaguchi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it again. Sorry not sorry. Please don't hate me for this DD:  
> But, hey! At least this chapter is somewhat longer!!
> 
> Please, please, please, tell me your thoughts :)) Comments and kudos are always appreciated


	7. Stolen Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sight was eerily familiar. Like he’d seen the sight a million times in another life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little short, but we're almost at the half-way mark of this fic!!!

The light from the window poured into the room, illuminating the sleeping boy’s figure. Even on a chair that was uncomfortable to just look at, Yamaguchi slept peacefully.

The sight was eerily familiar. Like he’d seen the sight a million times in another life. He couldn’t recall his memories.

_Is this a dream?_

No, he recognised the surrounding to be the hospital he was in before he blacked out. Blacked out? Wha-

He sat up in the bed he was in, causing it to creak, waking the sleeping boy. Yamaguchi blinked sleepily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes, before remembering the situation.

Talking at a mile per hour, Yamaguchi asked so many questions, that Tsukishima hardly had time to register them.

Instead, he did something that even surprised himself; he smiled.

Not just the sneers that he’d send to intimidate the opposing teams. A real, wholehearted one, and judging by the way Yamaguchi stopped talking and stared at him, Tsukishima guessed that it surprised him too.

Either way, Yamaguchi smiled back.

Tsukishima lifted his left hand, crossing it over his body to ruffle Yamaguchi’s bedhead. It was something he hadn’t done in a while… a while being years.

It created an awkward air, but less than a second later, both boys burst out into a contagious laughter, not holding back the loud racket it made. Tsukishima couldn’t wipe the comical grin off his face, not that he planned to; he hadn’t felt this light in ages… he hadn’t realised how much he missed these times.

The door to the room slid open and two people stumbled in.

“Kei!” Tsukishima recognised the two as his mother and brother. His mother practically ran to his side, wrapping her arms around him, and squeezing to death. “You’re awake!”

Tsukishima chuckled as she pulled away. Yamaguchi stood up from his side, releasing Tsukishima’s hand, Tsukishima hadn’t realised that they’d been holding hands. “I’ll let you guys talk,” Yamaguchi politely nodded and left the room.

“Kei! How are you? How do you feel? Are you in pain?” They’d hardly been in here for longer than a minute, but were already charging at him with questions

Tsukishima was going to give a sarcastic reply, but he stopped himself and decided that they deserved a genuine answer.

He considered how he felt; other than the slight discomfort in his neck due to the bizarre position it had been in, he felt pretty much okay.

Well… maybe a little bit more than okay, Tsukishima felt lighter than he had in ages.

He no longer felt like his life force was being sucked right out of him, or like his chest was going through a shredding machine. If Tsukishima were a sentimental person, this would’ve brought tears to his eyes.

It almost felt like he’d come out of war after many long years, bringing home a victory…

Realisation hit him like a bus. He wasn’t supposed to feel like this, he wasn’t even meant to be _alive_.

What happened to him? His eyes darted across the room, to his family. His brother, Akiteru, was rubbing the back of his neck guiltily, avoiding eye contact with Tsukishima. And his mother was looking at him like he was a lost puppy, with pity and caution.

What did they do to him?

The Hanahaki was supposed to have killed him, or if it didn’t, he should have been on the verge of death right now. Hanahaki didn’t go away on its own.

So why was he here, alive, and well? Even more so, he’d just been talking to Yamaguchi, _he’d held hands with him_.

Unease began bubbling in his stomach, and a tremor ran down his spine _._

 _Please don’t let it be what I think it is_.

Tsukishima felt ready to throw up, this time though, it wasn’t because of the flowers... His voice came out just as anxious as he felt, shaking with every word. “What did you- what did you do to me?”

Tsukishima watched Akiteru darted his eyes at their mum, pleading her to explain. His mother’s voice trembled just as much as his, “w- when we came, you were hardly breathing. They had prepared for your surgery, so all that was left was family’s consent.”

Tsukishima’s eyes widened, as his heart beat faster with every passing second.

_No, no, no, this isn't true._

He flung his hands to his face, covering his ears, he knew how immature he looked, but he didn’t want to hear the rest, he _couldn’t_ hear the rest.

“Kei,” his mother soothed, bringing his hands down from his ears. “Please just listen to me.”

 _No_.

Tsukishima shook his head, he didn’t want to listen, he just wanted to be alone. He wanted them to leave.

His breathing paced and his hands began trembling.

“That was our only choice, Kei. Please try to understand.” Akiteru was unsure if this was the best thing to tell him… turned out, it was the complete opposite.

The final string of Tsukishima’s tolerance snapped, freeing the tears that had once again been building at his eyes. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

He held his head in his hands, clutching his short hair. “How could you have done this to me?!?!” Tsukishima felt a stab of pain in his chest. He’d just been through surgery, he knew he shouldn’t be straining himself, but he couldn’t help it. Tsukishima looked up, breathing heavily, he felt the tears continue running down his face, _pathetic_. “You should have just let me die!”

Tsukishima watched as his mother gasped loudly, weeping into Akiteru’s chest, who had also gasped, staring at Tsukishima, wide-eyed.

Tsukishima didn’t regret any of what he said, because it was the truth. He could make excuses, lie, fool other’s and himself, but it wouldn’t change the truth. It wouldn’t change how Tsukishima no longer wanted to live without his feelings for his best friend.

Tsukishima sobbed into his hands.

 _This was so stupid; this was all so stupid_.

He wasn’t some made-up character, in a fictional story, destined with this cruel fate.

He hated it.

 _Why is all of this happening?_ Why did he have to catch feelings for his best friend? And even if he did, why couldn’t he just have continued living with his one-sided feelings? What had he done to deserve Hanahaki? What had he done to deserve being robbed of his feelings?

His pulse raced, and the wound in his chest ached. He would’ve been just fine loving Yamaguchi one-sidedly.

The tears streamed down his face and he heard a voice… Akiteru’s voice calling for a doctor. He wasn’t supposed to strain himself after a surgery that saved his life, but it wasn’t like he asked for the surgery.

 _Fucking hell_.

Why did he care so much? Why did he care so much for his feelings towards Yamaguchi? Why couldn’t he just let go, stop caring?

The world was spinning once again, Tsukishima felt a pinch in his arm which must have been the sedatives being injected into his blood. He could feel his breathing slow down along with the world blurring. 

Screw all of this. This was what he deserved for once again caring so much about something… someone.

As much as he tried to convince himself he didn’t care, it just didn’t work.

Like always, the last thing on his mind was Yamaguchi.

Smiling bright, teeth and all, Yamaguchi was looking at Tsukishima with a grin that used to make his heart melt. He felt a twinge in his heart… except this time it wasn’t the one he had felt every other time.… this time it wasn’t the same passionate and yearning one he always felt, instead, it was filled with grief, pain.

Tsukishima was tired of this; he didn’t want to go on. His mind slurred and the world darkened on him. His consciousness was sucked right out of him as the sedatives worked their way into his blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yell at me all you want because Tsukki really does not deserve all that suffering I'm putting him through- but, hey!! he lived!!!! :DD
> 
> At least I can proudly say that you may not hate me so much with the next chapter, so please bear with me!!  
> However, you might have to wait for it a little while because online classes started again ://


	8. A Race In The Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “In fact, they look like they’re about to begin making out right in front of us.” Yamaguchi stifled a laugh. “Let’s go before they start kissing,” he said, placing a hand on each of Yamaguchi’s shoulders and steering him away from the clubroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello. I shall begin this by saying- ahem- HOLY COW GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH  
> Every one of your comments have me squishing my face into my huge-ass teddy bear to hide the stupidly large smile on my face. I am crying out of HAPPINESS  
> SO, I decided that you guys (and the characters) deserve some happiness too!
> 
> Have fun reading :)

14th of July 20xx

_Today after lunch practice, Tsukki and I sat down on the grass to eat our food. His eyes look amazing in the sun. He's often compared to the moon, but I feel like deep down somewhere, he’s also as lively as the sun, you know? Lively like his eyes, what’s that saying? Something like, “the eyes are the window to the soul.”_

“Hey, Tsukki…” Yamaguchi began. Even though Tsukishima wasn’t making eye contact, Yamaguchi knew he was listening. “Remember the time after our game with Shiratorizawa when we were first years, when you got sick…”

Tsukishima cut his gaze from his lunchbox, looking up at him, and Yamaguchi felt his heart patter faster. Tsukishima’s eyes literally _glowed_ in the sun, shining like stars in his eyes. “Yeah? What about it?”

“Oh. I was just wondering if you still feel pain from it?”

Hearing Tsukishima sigh, Yamaguchi’s eyes widened, wondering if he said something wrong.

“We’ve talked about this plenty, there was just a small problem with my lungs, so after the surgery, everything was fixed. Plus, it’s been two years, even the pain from the stitches are gone.”

Yamaguchi knew from his tone that Tsukishima was telling the truth about being all better, but he just couldn’t help worrying about him.

Tsukishima seemed to sense his unease like he always did, because he reached over, ruffling Yamaguchi’s hair affectionately, which had grown long enough in the past two years, he was able to tie it up in a ponytail.

Yamaguchi’s worry loosened up, only for his heart to begin pacing… this time for other reasons. “How come I didn’t know? We’ve been friends for so long, but I had no idea you had an issue with your lungs.”

Tsukishima continued eating. “I didn’t know either. But it was fine, the doctors said that it wasn’t too serious, they just recommended the surgery so I wouldn’t have problems with my lungs in the future.”

“Oh,” Yamaguchi breathed, “yeah. I guess that makes sense.”

Even though Tsukishima kept saying it was fine, Yamaguchi knew he would never forget the terror he felt that night.

Seeing Tsukishima unconscious, his body looked so pale and lifeless, it still sent chills down Yamaguchi’s spine, and ran his blood cold.

“Cheer up, Yamaguchi. You look like you’ve just sent a serve to the back of The King’s head.”

Yamaguchi laughed at Tsukishima’s statement. He must’ve been making an extremely terrified expression if that’s what Tsukishima thought he looked like.

But even for all that, Yamaguchi still shuddered at the remembrance of that event, it was also the day he discovered something important…

Taking a bite of his food, Yamaguchi remembered the quote, “ _you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”_

That was exactly how Yamaguchi became aware of his feelings for his best friend. Luckily for them, Tsukishima didn’t go, but Yamaguchi did realise how far his feelings went for him.

It embarrassed Yamaguchi, by just how far, his feelings went. He knew they weren’t the usual friendship type… he meant _more_.

_Imagine what Tsukki would think if he knew._

_No._ Yamaguchi shook his head to get rid of the thought.

It was already bad enough that he went and fell in love with his childhood friend, but to even consider _telling him_ and ruining their friendship… _no_ , their friendship at the moment was enough for him.

This was their last year of high school anyways, Yamaguchi didn’t want to risk ruining their friendship only for high school to end, taking their lifelong friendship with them, and for them to go separate ways, not even having the bond of a friendship to keep them in touch.

Tsukishima was all he had, he meant everything and _more_ to Yamaguchi. Tsukishima helped Yamaguchi when he was at his lowest, he made him feel like he was worth it, like he was _special_.

Yamaguchi wouldn’t risk losing something so special just for his measly feelings. Those feelings could stay stuffed at the bottom of his heart where they belonged.

“…aguchi? Yamaguchi? Tadashi!”

Yamaguchi broke out of his trance of thoughts, snapping his head up to meet Tsukishima’s gaze.

“Yamaguchi… are you okay? I called you like, five times.” Tsukishima studied Yamaguchi’s face, bringing a hand up to his face. Yamaguchi felt his face become hot, until he realised Tsukishima was just checking his forehead for a fever. “Your face is kind of hot, are you sick?”

Yamaguchi pried Tsukishima’s fingers off his forehead, his face was hot, but definitely _not_ from a fever. “Nah, I think it’s just because we’re sitting in the sun. I’m a little hot.”

That wasn’t exactly a lie, it was _partially_ true

Tsukishima closed his lunch box, standing up before dusting the grass off his uniform. “Let’s go sit in the shade then.”

Yamaguchi nodded, standing up and dusting his clothes, before joining his best friend’s side and walking away to find another place to sit.

It was a given he would fall for Tsukishima with how thoughtful and considerate he was to Yamaguchi. How could he _not_ fall for him?

* * *

“Uhh, I think we have a problem,” Yamaguchi said, staring at the sight in front of him.

Tsukishima came up from behind him, taking one look at the sight and grabbing Yamaguchi’s arm to drag him away. “No, I think _they_ have a problem.”

“Eh.” Yamaguchi stopped in his tracks, looking over his shoulder to the unexplainable sight behind him. “I’m the captain, am I not? I really think we should stop them…”

Tsukishima let go of Yamaguchi’s arm and crossed his arms over his chest, looking inside their clubroom. Inside were Kageyama and Hinata, up to no good again.

They had probably found something new to argue about. Somewhere along the line, the argument must have become physical; that would explain the way they were sprawled on the floor of the clubroom, wrestling each other.

… not exactly wrestling each other, a more accurate description would be saying that Kageyama had Hinata trapped under his grasp, and was throwing stupidly random insults to Hinata, who was throwing more stupidly random insults right back at him.

And like that, their bickering continued with no more progress to the actual physical fighting.

“They look fine to me,” Tsukishima noted. “In fact, they look like they’re about to begin making out right in front of us.” Yamaguchi stifled a laughter. “Let’s go before they start kissing,” he said, placing a hand on each of Yamaguchi’s shoulders and steering him away from the clubroom. “I’ve seen enough of the idiot-duo for a lifetime, there’s no need to torture myself more. I’m sure they’ll figure it out themselves.”

Yamaguchi allowed himself to be guided away, thinking about Tsukishima’s words. “Do you really think they’ll kiss?”

Tsukishima just snorted, taking his place beside Yamaguchi as they walked home. “Well you never know, with them two.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “We gotta expect the unexpected.”

“That’s the truest thing I’ve heard. They really are unexpected,” Yamaguchi laughed, looking up at the stormy sky. “What wouldn’t be unexpected though, is if it began raining right now.”

Now, they boys didn’t believe in magic and all that shit… (well maybe they did a little) but seeing as how it immediately began raining as soon as Yamaguchi said that, it made them inclined to believe in it a little more.

The rain wasn’t heavy at all yet, the small droplets were beginning to seep into their uniform, but the storm was going to soon advance on them, and they’d be caught in the rain. 

To put the cherry on top, Yamaguchi hadn’t bothered bringing his umbrella today. “Tsukki, do you have your umbrella? I left mine at home today.”

Tsukishima nodded, pulling out the small umbrella from his school bag. It was a plain black one except for the tiny white dinosaur on the rim.

Tsukishima’s liking for dinosaurs was no secret… well it was more of an obsession. He’d been obsessed with dinosaurs ever since Yamaguchi met him, and probably even before that. Ever since finding out, Yamaguchi had made it his personal duty to send his best friend a picture whenever he found anything dinosaur themed.

At first, Tsukishima had thought Yamaguchi was teasing him whenever he did that. But he soon learnt otherwise; the boy was doing it from the kindness of his heart (minus the time he sent photos of dinosaur-print boxers a few years ago)

Tsukishima’s umbrella wasn’t bigger than an average one-person umbrella, so it took an effort to keep them both dry, arms brushing against the other’s every so often.

“Yamaguchi, move over, your other arm is getting wet.” Tsukishima held the umbrella closer to Yamaguchi. The rain was beginning to come down harder, heavy droplets pattering as they dropped onto the thin nylon umbrella.

Tsukishima was sure that if this were a show, there would be the small animation of a light bulb igniting as Yamaguchi had another great idea. “We’re going to get wet either way,” Yamaguchi grinned, stepping out from under the umbrella. “So why bother? Race you to your house.”

Yamaguchi began running under the rain before even giving time for the other boy to answer. A few seconds of nothing, until he heard the sound of Tsukishima’s heavy footsteps closing in on him.

It didn’t take long for Tsukishima’s long strides to catch up to him. Patting his shoulder, Tsukishima smirked, running forward to pass Yamaguchi.

“Aww, Tsukki. That’s no fairrrr,” Yamaguchi whined, “your legs are too longgg.”

“Your legs are not even much shorter,” Tsukishima replied.

Yamaguchi quit whining and began running faster through the small puddles that were starting to form; this was going to take a toll on his muscles the next day, until he reached Tsukishima again.

Tsukishima, on the other hand, was slowing down- his stamina was weak like always.

Before he knew it, Yamaguchi was at Tsukishima’s doorstep; drenched.

He turned back around, spotting Tsukishima who was also soaked with rainwater, trudging towards him in defeat.

Yamaguchi lifted his arms over his head with the last bit of energy he had, barely managing to huff out the words. “Tsukki! I- I win!! Hah, _you lost!!_ ” He doubled over, laughing and holding onto his knees to keep himself upright

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima crossed his arms, the wet sleeves defining his arm muscles nicely. “Just go inside before you catch a cold or something.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluff was loooong due, so I hope you enjoyed that :DD  
> I bet my teacher won't be very happy finding out that the reason I submitted my work late was because I was HAPPILY writing fan fiction, sorry Ms, but priorities come first
> 
> Feel free to ask any questions you might have :)


	9. Daffodil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judging from by the way her cute face was the same shade as a ripe tomato, and the group of other girls standing not even five meters away, whispering and giggling to each other, and not to forget the pink envelope that was in her hands, both boys knew exactly what this was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I- 
> 
> Why am I like this?

_19th of August 20xx_

_I’m not sure what I did to deserve this, but it must’ve been really bad. Or maybe it’s just shitty luck? I guess I’m really unlucky then. I should probably stay positive for now though. There’s a saying, I think it goes, “you never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.” I wonder what kind of worse luck this bad luck saved me from- if it's even possible for luck to be worse than this._

“Hey, umm. Tsukishima-san?”

Both Yamaguchi and Tsukishima turned to find a girl from their class standing there.

Judging from the way her cute face was the same shade as a ripe tomato, and the group of other girls standing not even five meters away, whispering and giggling to each other, _and_ not to forget the pink envelope that was in her hands, both boys knew exactly what this was.

A confession.

It wasn’t something new; in fact, from the abnormally large amount of times this had happened, it was beginning to become quite the norm, even a little irritating.

Girls would come over, confessing their feelings for Tsukishima, or asking for his number or something, and to be frank, Yamaguchi didn’t blame them, because why wouldn’t they?

Tsukishima was tall, handsome, smart, even a little hostile in conversations, but wasn’t that what the girls would call ‘playing hard to get’?

“I like you.” She bowed at a dangerously low angle, holding the envelope out in front of her. “Please accept my feelings.”

Yamaguchi heard Tsukishima click his tongue. He felt like Tsukishima always rejected them a little too harshly, but then again, Tsukishima never really did have very much patience and he didn’t want to lead them on.

So, despite the way his chest felt a little too tight for liking, Yamaguchi patted Tsukishima on the shoulder in a friendly manner. “Take your time, Tsukki. I’ll see you at practice.” And with a strangely sad smile, he left his friend to respond to the confession, and headed off to after school practice.

* * *

After school practice started off pretty smoothly.

The new first years had settled in smoothly, partially because of their manager- Yachi’s- efforts. During the two years she had been working as the manager of the boys’ volleyball club, handling the overly excited members without Kiyoko, she’d really changed from her timid self into someone extremely admirable.

Yamaguchi himself used to have a crush on her until…

Yamaguchi was taking a break from teaching a second year on how to perform a jump-float serve when he felt it.

He sat on the bench, leaning on the wall behind, and took a swig of water from his bottle, wiping his mouth with his other arm. Yamaguchi looked up, watching Tsukishima scold Kageyama for scaring the new first years with his creepy face.

Although Tsukishima had a scowl on his face while yelling at Kageyama, it didn’t have the bitter resent it used to have. During the three years they’d played on the team together, whether they wanted it, or not, they all felt a certain fondness grow for their teammates.

Yamaguchi could suddenly feel his lunch rising back up; this wasn’t good. He stood up too abruptly, and so felt light-headed.

The room spun, and he couldn’t feel his feet. Without warning, his legs gave out, and Yamaguchi went crashing to the floor.

Yachi spotted him immediately. “Yamaguchi-kun!”

The gym went silent, before sounds of shuffling feet increased in volume. Before long Yamaguchi was surrounded by club members, all rushing to his aid.

“Yamaguchi!” He recognised this voice as Tsukishima’s.

Yamaguchi pressed his hands to the floor to support himself up. The room was still spinning, and he couldn’t focus his eyes on one individual thing, so he chose the closest thing to focus on, which appeared to be Tsukishima.

Yamaguchi did his best to stand straight without swaying, but the closure created by the bodies all around wasn’t helping. “I’m fine. Sorry, I just tripped over my shoelaces,” Yamaguchi he lied through his teeth; he felt that he’d already done enough to worry everyone.

But of course, Yamaguchi was the worst liar in all of history.

“Yamaguchi your shoelaces are tied.” Hinata caught him red handed.

Yamaguchi flushed red in embarrassment. “I’m fine.”

He probably could’ve gotten away with the lie if his head didn’t spin again, making him fall forward, right into Tsukishima’s chest.

Tsukishima’s reflexes came in handy, catching Yamaguchi in his arms. “You’re obviously not ‘fine’. I’m going to take you home.”

Before Yamaguchi could protest, Tsukishima had already given out orders for the rest of the third years to take care of the rest of practice today and was hauling Yamaguchi’s weight onto himself.

Tsukishima pulled one of Yamaguchi’s arms onto his own shoulder, and placed his own arm around Yamaguchi’s torso, holding him steadily.

Yamaguchi wasn’t sure where all his strength had disappeared, but he was certain that there wasn’t enough to carry his own weight with the help of Tsukishima, much less on his own, so he let himself be dragged away.

In the past few years, Tsukishima had built quite a bit of muscle.

This was evident when he had absolutely no problem carrying almost all of Yamaguchi’s weight _and_ school their bags.

Yamaguchi felt himself grow warm, his stomach threatening to empty itself on the streets, he did his best to keep his lunch in his stomach.

What felt like, a forever later, Yamaguchi noticed that they were at his house. Tsukishima helped him inside to take off their shoes, excusing them for the intrusion, and carrying Yamaguchi -bridal style- to his room.

The boys been at each other’s house enough times to have their keys, and just walk right in like they were another part of each other’s family, and in some way, they were.

Tsukishima lowered Yamaguchi to his bed gently, placing a hand on his forehead to check his temperature.

“Yamaguchi, why didn’t you go home as soon as you felt unwell? You’ve got a full-blown fever now.” Tsukishima’s voice was as calm as ever, but it had a hint of concern that Yamaguchi only rarely ever heard.

“I felt perfectly fine until practice…” Yamaguchi gave his best shot at speaking, but it came out all mumbled.

By now, Yamaguchi had broken out in a cold sweat, and it hurt to open his eyes.

He curled up, trying to his best to compress away the bad feeling that was growing; it didn’t help much.

Yamaguchi heard Tsukishima’s footsteps nearing, _when did he leave_? A wet towel was placed on his forehead causing him to wince.

Tsukishima was still talking in the same tone. “Yamaguchi, can you change out of your practice clothes?” 

_Change out of his clothes?_ Yamaguchi didn’t have the strength to open his fucking eyes, let alone change out of his training outfit.

He grunted a denial, squeezing himself tighter.

Yamaguchi heard his friend sigh, before the hearing the sound of a chair being dragged closer.

Yamaguchi’s sheets were pulled higher, and he was tucked under them.

He forced an eye open, flinching at the sudden burst of light.

Tsukishima was sitting on a chair beside Yamaguchi’s bed. In his hand was a remote, Tsukishima switched the T.V on, changing the channels to his desire.

Still watching Tsukishima, who had his eyes on the television, Yamaguchi asked the question that had been eating away at his mind. “Hey, Tsukki…” Tsukishima looked away from the television to look at him, and meeting his gaze, Yamaguchi felt the words stick to his throat. “What happened to the… the _thing_ \- with that girl?”

“Hmm? Oh.” He slumped back onto the chair, staring at Yamaguchi’s decorated ceiling. “Well, you know.” Tsukishima hummed, “she’s not really… my type. I’m more into…” Tsukishima’s head snapped back down. “Never mind that. You need to rest.”

Feeling guilty to be somewhat relieved with his answer, Yamaguchi abided, closing his eyes once more, and letting himself relax in Tsukishima’s presence, along with the quiet botany documentary in the background.

It was something familiar, the routine they had whenever one of them fell ill.

With the soft lull of the television in the background, it was quite easy for Yamaguchi to relax, he must’ve been really worn out because he fell sound asleep.

* * *

He couldn’t breathe.

_He couldn’t breathe._

Yamaguchi sat up in alert, panicking. Looking around, Tsukishima wasn’t around anymore, he left after Yamaguchi fell asleep.

Yamaguchi realised that the reason he couldn’t breathe was because there was _something in the way:_ blocking his airway.

He tried his best to swallow it down, but it just _wouldn’t_ budge. By now, Yamaguchi’s face had gone an alarming shade of red, turning purple.

There was only one option left: Yamaguchi gagged, trying hard to cough it out.

Apparently, that was a good idea, because whatever that was blocking his airway, wasn’t there anymore. Yamaguchi gasped, breathing in faster than his lungs could take.

He was sweating heavily, and his breathing was ragged, but at least now he wasn’t three seconds away from death. Yamaguchi noticed that he was also feeling somewhat better than he was earlier, the sleep must have helped greatly.

Judging by how he had slept till late in the afternoon, Yamaguchi was ready to eat a whole cow… that was until his eyes landed on his lap.

On his lap, lay a delicate, yellow petal.

No.

_No, no, no._

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened; he felt sick.

Heart rate picking up as he began sweating in fear again.

His eyes swamped, his breathing becoming loud and rough.

Yamaguchi knew what this was, he knew it all too well. A chill ran down his spine and Yamaguchi clasped his hands together to stop them from shaking.

_This is awful._

_This is fucking cruel._

The fear hovered over him as he tried to control his breathing, but the thoughts were eating him up.

Slowly but surely.

Hanahaki.

_A disease where unrequited, or one-sided love causes an individual to bloom flowers in their lungs. The flowers continue to grow until they completely block the person’s airway and kill them. A way to stop the flowers from blooming is to profess their love, and have their feelings returned by their love._

_The only other way to cure Hanahaki, is to get surgery. The surgery removes the flowers from their roots, meaning the lungs. But along with the flowers, all the individual’s romantic feelings for the one they love, get removed too._

Yamaguchi had always adored flowers, and his research into them had taught him about this disease. Reading more and more into it, it fascinated him.

But not once in his life, did he ever think that he would be on the receiving end; that he would be the one to suffer from this wretched illness.

So, when Yamaguchi saw the yellow petal, he knew exactly which flower it was and its meaning.

It felt somewhat similar to a betrayal, but to be frank, it didn’t make sense to him.

The petal was from a flower called a daffodil, but as far as Yamaguchi’s research had brought him, daffodils were supposed to represent the coming of spring, new beginnings, and altogether, _joy_.

What was this supposed to mean then?

His hands trembled as he retrieved his phone from his side table, typing words into his search bar. The results that came up were all ones that he’d seen.

“They're a symbol of spring and symbolise _new beginnings_ and rebirth. They're a positive, life-affirming symbol, with a bright and _joyful_ yellow colour.”

None of them gave him the answer he was looking for.

 _Was there even an answer?_

He continued scrolling, not sure what exactly he was looking for, just _something_ to make this make sense, something to help him _understand_.

“Regard; _Unrequited Love_ ; You're the Only One; The Sun is Always Shining When I'm with You”

There it was.

“Unrequited love.”

_Of course_. This made sense. This made too much sense. Daffodils represented Hanahaki itself, unrequited love.

Yamaguchi slumped down on his bed. His head was spinning again; this was too much to process.

_Why?_

All his life, Yamaguchi had been in the background, always on the sidelines. But then Tsukishima came, and he encouraged him to keep trying. He had faith in him in the times where Yamaguchi didn’t even have confidence in himself.

_No; that was too greedy of him._

He could almost physically feel the fear crawling on his skin; a shiver ran down his spine. He pulled the covers over his body again, curling up and clutching himself as his face became wet from tears.

He wasn’t sure how long the crying lasted, he wasn’t sure how much longer he lay awake in his bed, afraid of the thoughts that roamed in his head, he wasn’t sure when the shaking stopped, Yamaguchi was just glad when sleep finally came, and it didn’t make him suffer with conscious thoughts.

He slept soundly, as it was the only escape from reality.

Even if it was just a temporary escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who gave me permission to write this??  
> I would say sorry, but I feel like I'm going to need to apologise multiple times after this too, so...  
> I'm sorry.


	10. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi suddenly wasn’t so confident with this idea, but if these past three years had taught him anything, it was to push through, move forward, even when he was scared, because the worst thing he could do was to do nothing, and never change anything.
> 
> Looking up, Yamaguchi got caught in the other boy’s gaze. “Tsukishima, I like you.”

“Hey, Tsukki, say…”

Tsukishima paused reading his book and looked over it to meet Yamaguchi’s gaze. Yamaguchi froze at the sudden attention before melting into his golden eyes.

They were at the library again, who knew being a third year would bring _this_ much work? It was honestly tiring but working with Tsukishima who knew majority of the content made it much easier to study.

Well... it was supposed to make it easier to have him there to help around, but it was in fact the opposite. Yamaguchi just couldn’t focus, he kept getting distracted by Tsukishima’s presence.

Yamaguchi kept getting distracted by the way Tsukishima’s long slender fingers moved his shiny blonde hair away from his eyes. The way his abnormally long eyelashes slowly blinked over his golden eyes, that gleamed whenever he read something that sparked his interest.

At this rate, it would’ve been faster for Yamaguchi to just admit to himself that he liked _everything_ about the other boy.

Tsukishima was still looking at Yamaguchi expectantly, and when the latter realised that he’d been staring, he began blushing profusely.

“Yamaguchi? Did you need help with your work?”

Yamaguchi then realised that he had spoken before. “Oh, no.”

Tsukishima raised a brow. “Hm? You said my name.”

Yamaguchi suddenly wasn’t so confident with this idea, but if these past three years had taught him anything, it was to push through, move forward, even when he was scared, because the worst thing he could do was to do nothing, and never change anything.

Looking up, Yamaguchi got caught in the other boy’s gaze. “Tsukishima, I like you.”

He said it.

Their friendship had grown over the many years they had known each other, there should be a tiny chance that Tsukishima liked him back, right?

_Right?_

“Wait, really?” Tsukishima’s face had an unreadable expression; his mouth was slightly upturned, and his eyebrows raised. “I like you too!”

Yamaguchi stared at him wide eyed, feeling the tightness in his chest loosen a little. This was too good to be true. His heart was beating fast… in a good way, until-

“Is that what you thought I was going to say?”

Yamaguchi’s face fell as he looked at Tsukishima confusedly. “Wha-”

“We’re just friends.” Tsukishima’s eyebrows were furrowed at this point. He sneered in Yamaguchi’s face. “That’s disgusting. Why did you think it was okay for you to like me like that?”

Yamaguchi felt his chest tighten once again, the roots twisting and turning in his lungs. His face was red from embarrassment and the anxiously fast pacing of his heart made him feel sick. “Tsukki, I…”

“You’re so annoying, always hanging around me like a lost puppy.” Each and every word that came out of Tsukishima’s mouth felt like another dagger to Yamaguchi’s heart. “Seriously, get a life.”

_No, no, no._

_Please make it stop._

Yamaguchi couldn’t breathe. The flowers had grown into his airway and he felt like it was going to burst.

Tsukishima’s last words delivered the final blow. “You make me regret even helping you that day.”

Yamaguchi felt something inside of him snap. “SHUT UP!!”

Tsukishima stared at Yamaguchi with an apparent shocked expression. Yamaguchi himself didn’t expect to shout like that, to this day he had only once raised his voice at Tsukishima.

“Oh, so that’s how it is?” An amused expression replaced Tsukishima’s shocked one as he collected his books. Tsukishima stood up, Yamaguchi following him with his eyes.

He didn’t mean to raise his voice.

Yamaguchi could hardly breathe with all the flowers in the way.

He knew the outcome of this; Tsukishima obviously didn’t accept his feelings, but despite that, Yamaguchi wanted to continue being friends with him. He knew that deep down, Tsukishima didn’t mean all the things he said, deep down he still liked Yamaguchi as a friend… right?

Tsukishima gave a sneering face, before leaving Yamaguchi with one word, “pathetic.”

He couldn’t breathe.

Yamaguchi did his best to take in oxygen, but his lungs felt so heavy.

So, he did what he had to, he coughed and coughed and coughed, until his throat hurt enough to make him tear up.

Yamaguchi was shaking; his hands, his shoulders, his whole body was shivering.

There were flowers all over his bed, and despite not having eaten food, he felt like he was going to throw up. Laying in his bed, he couldn’t get the nightmare out of his head, it just kept on replaying.

The more he thought about it, the more the flowers rose, him having to cough them out. He considered himself lucky that his parents were away on a business trip, so he didn’t have to worry them.

The coughing eventually died down, but the thoughts didn’t, roaming around his head and nibbling away at parts of his sanity.

Just when he thought he was going to finally go crazy, he threw himself out of bed.

All signs of sleep were lost by now, so hauling himself up, Yamaguchi took the warm shower that was due hours ago.

He changed into his favourite comfort pyjamas: a light green shirt with a tiny animated dinosaur and matching green pants.

Following the trail of light that was peeking in from behind his curtains, Yamaguchi pulled his curtains apart and opened the small window. There was a full moon tonight; Yamaguchi closed his eyes, soaking in the bright moonlight.

A chilly breeze kissed his face, blowing his wet hair away from his face.

He brought a hand up to his exposed face, remembering a time where he used to be so self-conscious of his face.

Mind you, he still wasn’t so confident about them, but he was definitely more content with it now, compared to then.

_Yamaguchi lifted his face from his book to find Tsukishima staring right back at him._

_Well… not exactly at him, his eyes were focused on Yamaguchi’s face rather than his eyes._

_Flushing, Yamaguchi looked back down to his book. He pretended to be reading, but his eyes weren’t following the words. He was more focused on wanting to cover his face from all prying eyes._

“ _Yamaguchi,” the blonde spoke in a hushed voice._

_They were in Yamaguchi’s room studying for their upcoming test. Even though the door was closed, they still whispered because it was late at night, and Yamaguchi’s parents had been asleep for a while._

_Yamaguchi’s bedroom light flickered occasionally, it casted shadows and glowed brightly on their faces as they were seated on the floor of the room, surrounded with notes and books._

_The upcoming text was going to decide whether they passed their second year of middle school, not that it mattered because both boys always passed their tests with more than satisfactory results._

_Looking up, once again, Yamaguchi found Tsukishima staring at his face. Yamaguchi wriggled uncomfortably. “Is there something on my face, Tsukki?”_

_Tsukishima’s eyes trailed up, finally meeting his eyes. “No.”_

_Tsukishima looked back down to his book, but right when Yamaguchi was going to conclude that he had finished talking, Tsukishima spoke again. “Yamaguchi, what do you think of your freckles?”_

_Yamaguchi froze._

_What?_

_Peeking back up, Tsukishima was focusing on his work, but Yamaguchi knew that he was still tuning in for his response._

_I hate them._

_Yamaguchi swallowed._

_I hate them so much. They make my face look dirty; I wish I could just take them off._

_These words didn’t come out of his mouth though, instead he said, “I don’t know.”_

_The smaller boy watched Tsukishima study his eyes and face, probably looking for the hint of an emotion, or maybe a sign, and apparently, he found it, because he spoke. “Hmm. I think they’re pretty cool.”_

_Yamaguchi’s eyes grew wide. “Cool?” Watching Tsukishima, his face showed no sign of jest._

_It wasn’t a joke_

_Tsukishima spoke, “yeah, they kinda remind me of stars, don’t they?”_

_Yamaguchi knew that if it were possible, his heart would’ve stopped beating and he would die right there, but of course that wasn’t possible, so he continued sitting there, staring at Tsukishima, dumbfounded._

_Tsukishima had a strange obsession with stars and constellations, it was probably the same thing as Yamaguchi’s obsession with flowers._

_They’d study them for significant whiles, yet never grow tired of it. Yamaguchi knew how much the Tsukishima loved stars, he wouldn’t talk much more about them, well he wouldn’t talk much in general, but Yamaguchi had seen the way Tsukishima would quietly watch the sky._

_Yamaguchi’s eyes instantly lightened at the thought and he couldn’t stop the smile that was forming._

_Maybe I don’t hate them so much._

Yamaguchi smile again at the memory. He had noticed that most his happiest memories included Tsukishima.

Reaching for his face, he traced the scattered freckles with his ice-cold hands.

 _What if Tsukki watched me the same way he watched the stars?_ This was a thought that had passed Yamaguchi’s mind as he recalled the memory, but he shut it down almost instantaneously; _now isn’t the time for more flowers._

The wind changed directions, blowing cold air through his window and into the room.

Yamaguchi shivered at the chilled touch of the wind. Closing the window, he retreated to his now cold bed and slipped under the covers.

Sleep didn’t make him wait too long.

Yamaguchi was tired and the only thing on his mind was getting some rest. After a few short minutes of lying down, curled up, under the soft covers, sleep finally arrived, distracting him from the irritating itch at the back of his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm... hang in there? 
> 
> Maybe let me know what you think is gonna happen next!!


	11. A Billion Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But in reality, deep down he knew that he was afraid.
> 
> He was afraid to see Tsukishima. The nightmare was still haunting him in the plain daylight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like honey cake.  
> On the other hand, I DON'T like school. I literally sat here for a hot second mentally celebrating bc I thought it was Friday... it's Monday （πーπ）
> 
> Oh well, I hope you enjoy the chapter :)

Yamaguchi skipped school the next day.

In all honesty, he had a satisfactory reason to: he hadn’t slept well at all, last night, and he was still feeling ill from the past day… or that’s what he kept telling himself. But in reality, deep down he knew that he was afraid.

He was afraid to see Tsukishima. The nightmare was still haunting him in the plain daylight.

Well… there was also the tiny detain that if he saw the golden-eyed boy, he’d also be at risk or coughing out literal petals, and end up freaking everyone around, and owing Tsukishima an explanation.

All this fuss was more than enough to even _think_ about.

Yamaguchi turned his phone on silent after the third text from Tsukishima.

He had been asking about him, why he wasn’t at school today, and if he was okay. Yamaguchi knew that after the third text, Tsukishima wouldn’t send another, like always.

Yamaguchi didn’t want to reply, this was evident by the way he had baked a tray of muffins, a honey cake, and a batch of chocolate-chip cookies. He knew that it was bad habit, and he’d tried multiple times to break it, but now, it seemed that it wasn’t leaving any time soon.

A few years ago, Yamaguchi’s mother had taught him to bake because of his sudden interest, and after that he began baking every once in a while, making sure to offer some to his best friend.

Not too long later, Tsukishima pointed out that Yamaguchi always brought him treats whenever he was stressed. Yamaguchi denied it, but ever so slightly, he realised that what Tsukishima said might have been true.

The next time he had the urge to bake, was when Tsukishima’s statement proved to be correct.

Yamaguchi had gone a bit overboard this time, but neither his parents nor Tsukishima were here to stop him.

Finally seeing all the food in front of him finally brought him to his senses- this was way too much food for his family to finish alone.

 _I could probably take some to practice…_ Practice?

That would only be if he went to school. Yamaguchi hadn’t thought that far ahead.

Today hadn’t been too bad. He was busy the entire time, mindlessly baking more and more sweets.

Yamaguchi cleaned up his mess, washed his dishes, put the treats into containers, and ran back upstairs.

Propelling himself onto his bed face-first, the coolness of the sheets felt refreshing against his face. The boy lay there for a few seconds, sighing heavily.

Now that he wasn’t busy with a task at hand, his mind was reeling elsewhere _._

_I wonder what Tsukki’s doing now._

Yamaguchi reached for his phone; there weren’t any new messages from a certain someone, except for the ones he’d received in the morning.

Yamaguchi placed his phone back onto his side-table and stuffed his face into the sheets, groaning. As much as he could deny it, he had a tiny spark of hope that Tsukishima had texted him, he had been wishing that Tsukishima would try again.

As he flipped onto his back, staring at the ceiling, Yamaguchi’s eyes traced the tiny stars and planets that had been painted onto his ceiling.

He smiled the remembrance: in junior high, the two best friends had painted matching planets and stars onto both their bedroom ceilings. This was back when Yamaguchi had first noticed Tsukishima’s passion for stars, he had suggested this, and Tsukishima appeared to like the idea because he was fast to agree.

Not too many years later, having grown out of it, Tsukishima had his bedroom ceiling painted white again.

Yamaguchi however, kept the paintings on his ceiling.

Looking at them now, he noticed how badly they had been done, the paint still looked considerably good, despite how long it had been there.

But he liked them.

The amount of memories they carried were too much for Yamaguchi to remember alone.

The sound of the front door opening and a voice excusing themselves for the intrusion, interrupted Yamaguchi’s thoughts. It was still significantly early for his parents to have returned from their business trip, but they had told him that there was a chance for them to return early.

He jumped up; the loneliness of the empty house had really gotten to him; he required some human interaction.

Racing to his bedroom door, Yamaguchi’s body collided with another and he want flying back into his room, falling on his ass.

“Yamaguchi! Are you hurt?” The other was still standing firmly, towering over Yamaguchi.

Wincing, Yamaguchi peeked. His sneaking suspicion had been confirmed after hearing their voice. “Tsukki. I’m okay, sorry.”

Tsukishima offered his empty hand, pulling Yamaguchi up. “Are you feeling better? I’m assuming you stayed home because of yesterday?”

Dazed, the green haired boy was slow to comprehend what Tsukishima was talking about.

_Yesterday?_

“Oh, yeah-” It technically wasn’t a lie; he’d slept really late since he was up late coughing. And if he went to school, he would be risking another coughing session. “But I’m feeling better after a day’s rest.”

Yamaguchi presented the best genuine smile be had to offer, but seeing the boy in real life, after the horrible nightmare, made Yamaguchi feel nauseous.

Tsukishima continued staring poker-faced at him. “Why were you running?”

Yamaguchi blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I needed to take the ice cream out of the oven.”

Only after hearing it come out of his mouth, he realised how incredibly stupid it was.

Yamaguchi mentally facepalmed himself but Tsukishima didn’t do more than raise a brow, a smile tugging on the corner of his mouth.

“I brought you the notes from today’s classes,” Tsukishima said, gesturing at the books in his bag; Yamaguchi was grateful to the moon and back, that the other boy had chosen to ignore his last statement.

But he should’ve known.

Yamaguchi was sure that Tsukishima had in fact come to bring notes, but he could also hear the tone of unease in his voice. After spending so much time together, they’d both picked up random knowledge about the other.

One of the many things Yamaguchi had learnt, was that even though to many people, Tsukishima sounded like he was always talking in one monotonous voice, there was actually more than that.

Though the disparity was small, it still made a difference in the real meaning behind his words.

Knowing that, Yamaguchi could hear the plain concern in his voice. Tsukishima had used the notes from class as an excuse to come and see Yamaguchi for himself.

“You look sick.” Whether consciously or unconsciously, Tsukishima furrowed his brows. “Let me check your temperature. Where’s the thermometer?”

“Eh?” Yamaguchi hadn’t noticed that he looked ill. “Tsukki, I’m fine. Let’s just go over the work.”

Tsukishima didn’t let up. “I can literally see you right now, you look way too pale for that to be ‘fine’. We can check your temperature, and then if you’re okay, we can go over the notes.”

Yamaguchi stared at Tsukishima, but Tsukishima stared right back.

This went on for at most five seconds before Yamaguchi averted his gaze; Tsukishima won.

“Fine.” Yamaguchi fetched the thermometer from his bathroom cabinet, placing in Tsukishima’s outstretched hand.

Yamaguchi knew that if his temperature came as high, it wouldn’t be from a fever: not with Tsukishima this close to him, causing him to flare up. The proximity of Tsukishima sent a painful jab to his chest and tickled his throat; it made him feel sick.

“37.1,” Tsukishima stepped back, returning the thermometer.

“I told you that I’m fine.” Yamaguchi was grateful for the distance between them. “Let’s just quickly get the work done now.”

“You’re not acting ‘fine’,” Tsukishima mumbled.

Yamaguchi looked up. “Nuh?”

Tsukishima turned away, pulling his books out of his bag. “Nothing.”

They sat down on the carpet of Yamaguchi’s room, laying out their work in front, Tsukishima stated that he’d also be working on his homework.

Before starting, Yamaguchi grabbed some of the cookies he had baked earlier, offering them to Tsukishima.

He watched as Tsukishima took a bite out one: it was a habit Yamaguchi failed to break.

Well… it wasn’t necessarily a bad one, but whenever he’d offer Tsukishima the food he made, he liked to watch his reaction to see if he liked them.

This time was no different; Yamaguchi watched as Tsukishima closed his mouth around the cookie, taking a bite. His facial expression didn’t change drastically, but his mouth curled upwards slightly, and his eyebrows relaxed on his face.

His reaction was enough of an answer, but Yamaguchi took the time to ask since he still wanted an answer from him. “How was it?”

Tsukishima reached for another cookie off the plate. “Good. As always.” Yamaguchi’s heart soared at the answer. Tsukishima had complimented his baking skills before, and every time, it always sounded sincere. “What’s on your mind?”

“Huh?”

“You know…” Tsukishima gestured with the cookie in his hand. “You usually bake when there’s something on you mind.”

Oh.

Yamaguchi shook his head. “No. I just got a bit bored, so I decided to bake. I made enough for the team.”

That was a half-truth.

_When did he begin lying to his best friend?_

Tsukishima raised a brow. “Saying you baked enough for the team must surely mean you prepared a whole feast. They eat as much as a pack of fully grown wild boars.”

Yamaguchi laughed at the strangely accurate comparison.

“I would like to think I baked enough.” He scanned through the notes Tsukishima had passed to him, writing down the important parts in his own book. From beneath his eyelashes, Yamaguchi could see Tsukishima looking up from his own homework every few moments.

Tsukishima may look like an unpleasant person, but just these tiny acts showed how thoughtful he really was.

Yamaguchi immediately felt bad for even dreaming the nightmare. His dread from earlier seemed silly to him now.

_Tsukki isn’t like that._

Tsukishima wouldn’t do anything _close_ to that because he was many things, but he wasn’t like that.

He wouldn’t ever judge Yamaguchi for the way he was. Tsukishima stayed by his side, he always _waited_ for him; unlike everyone else, who walked off, leaving him all alone.

Yamaguchi felt somewhat better. It was almost as if he’d been shouldering an incredibly heavy weight, waiting for the time where he would collapse under all the weight, but he had suddenly realised that the weight wasn’t actually so heavy.

He even felt the growing tightness in his chest loosen a little. It was strange how they reacted to every little thing, but he was altogether grateful for the granted comfort.

A sign of relief escaped his lips and Tsukishima looked up, raising an eyebrow in question.

To answer, Yamaguchi just smiled, it came quite easily, it was more genuine than the earlier ones, and Tsukishima appeared to notice that too because his posture visibly relaxed.

Yamaguchi, himself, felt very content at that moment, plainly enjoying the study session with the company of his friend. The small conversations came more naturally, and it even felt like this was something they’d done a billion times before… well they had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, we're dangerously close to being up to date with everything I've written, so if you notice the updates slowing down, it's because I haven't written out the rest of this fic yet ://
> 
> Either way!! I have something planned out for the next chapter that I think you're gonna like :DD


	12. Forever Is Not Enough When I'm With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi’s eyes caught a certain glimmer, and he grabbed the dress, turning to Tsukishima. “Tsukki, look at this!!”
> 
> Tsukishima looked up from his phone, eyes locking onto the dress in his friend’s hands. “I am looking at it, Yamaguchi.”
> 
> Yamaguchi placed the forgotten orange shirt in Tsukishima’s lap, before turning away. “I want to try this on, I won’t take too long.”
> 
> Tsukishima watched his friend practically skip to the changing rooms, before letting out a gentle laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm cryinggggkjfdfghjk  
> I'm not even kidding when I say this chapter took me more than two months, and I don't even know whyyyy (writer's block and a whole lotta procrastination) I literally sat in front of this laptop for hours but the words just wouldn't come to me, if you know what I mean? 
> 
> But I eventually got over it and finished it a few days ago, then spent the week editing, so here it is!! <3
> 
> It's a little lengthier than usual, so apologies for any mistakes you notice. But all in all, I don't hate how this chapter turned out!! I quite like it, in fact :))

_2nd of October 20xx_

_I was thinking… maybe I do have a chance with Tsukki. I don’t know, he just makes me so incredibly happy, and I can’t help but feel like maybe he enjoys my company too. I find myself truly believing that things are actually going to work out; the disease will be cured if Tsukki likes me back, right?_

Yamaguchi slowed his pace as he got closer to street’s turn. He checked his pockets for the third time during his journey. Turning the corner, Yamaguchi searched the sea of people.

It didn’t take long to spot the tall blond who was waiting in front of the old wishing well; well, he _was_ a whole head taller than most people around anyways.

Tsukishima had invited him to go hang out since they were free on the weekend. Yamaguchi suggested to go shopping and Tsukishima said that he didn’t mind, and so it was decided.

Swallowing to remove the tickling sensation in his throat, a smile was brought to Yamaguchi’s lips as soon as he made eye contact with his friend… it didn’t last long.

He internally gasped at how- how _attractive_ Tsukishima looked, especially in that outfit. Tsukishima was wearing blue denim jeans that complimented his eye, with a plain black button up shirt tucked in. The shirt finely hugged his bust, making the Yamaguchi a little breathless.

Tsukishima’s outfit was quite simple, but it looked incredible on him, or maybe _he_ made it look incredible?

Yamaguchi, suddenly felt like he tried way too hard on his own outfit; he had spent quite a while picking an outfit, and in the end he had to go with the one he was wearing since he was running late.

He wore a black turtleneck shirt with a green plaid jumper on top, and black ripped jeans. He had his long hair tied back, out of his face with a few stray front pieces. He later realised that his black painted nails from last night also matched his outfit.

Yamaguchi was also wearing earrings but as he walked closer, he noticed that Tsukishima was also wearing earrings; in actual fact, they were wearing the matching earrings they bought when they pierced their ears together.

Coincidence?

Yamaguchi called out excitedly, waving, “Tsukki!”

Tsukishima seemed to flinch. “Yamaguchi, that’s too loud.”

“Oh.” Yamaguchi realised that he was right. “Sorry, Tsukki”

Tsukishima eyed his friend. “You look good, Yamaguchi.”

Freezing, Yamaguchi’s eyes widened in surprise; he was bewildered. He hadn’t expected Tsukishima to compliment him so directly. His heart fluttered as he tried to form his response without stuttering, “I- thanks, Tsukki. You look great too!”

Tsukishima nodded in thanks. “Ready to go?”

Yamaguchi’s heart was doing somersaults in his chest, or maybe that was the flowers receding? He shouldn’t be too hopeful, but he knew that if he opened his mouth to respond, he’d start spewing out some nonsense, so instead, he just nodded eagerly.

As much as he tried to push the feeling as far as possible, Yamaguchi couldn’t get rid of the idea that this felt a little like a date, he always felt like that every time they hung out like this.

“Where do you want to go first?” Tsukishima asked.

The shopping centre was cool inside; winter was right around the corner, but it was still so warm, it could’ve passed as mid-summer.

Yamaguchi was incredibly grateful for colder temperature inside. “I heard that there was a new store opening around here, wanna check that out?”

“Sure.” Tsukishima outstretched his hand, as if asking him to lead the way, and with that, Yamaguchi’s smile widened.

* * *

Standing in front of the mirror, Yamaguchi held two t-shirts in his hands, placing each in front of himself, trying to figure out which one would look better. “Tsukki, do you think I should get the purple one or the orange one?”

Tsukishima, who was sitting on one of the colourful seats in the store, watched Yamaguchi with his deep gaze. “Orange suits you, I think you should get the second one.”

Eyes lightening, Yamaguchi thanked his friend, placing the purple shirt back until something caught his gaze.

His eyes landed on an orange summer dress.

Yamaguchi’s eyes caught a certain glimmer, and he grabbed the dress, turning to Tsukishima. “Tsukki, look at this!!”

Tsukishima looked up from his phone, eyes locking onto the dress in his friend’s hands. “I am looking at it, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi placed the forgotten orange shirt in Tsukishima’s lap, before turning away. “I want to try this on, I won’t take too long.”

Tsukishima watched his friend practically skip to the changing rooms, before letting out a gentle laugh.

True to his words, Yamaguchi didn’t take long, he walked out of the changing room indecisively, hoping that Tsukishima liked the dress as much as he did.

It was flowy, reaching down to below his knees, and he liked the balloon sleeves. 

Yamaguchi huffed out a laugh as Tsukishima did a double take, recognising the fact that it was actually his friend in the dress.

Yamaguchi hoped silently that the blush on his neck wasn’t bright enough to be seen since the low collar of the dress was already exposing enough of his shoulders. 

He watched Tsukishima’s face, searching for a hint of expression; his face was still set straight, but if watched closely, you could see the way his eyebrows were raised, and his mouth was slightly twitching upwards. “How does it look?”

Tsukishima opened his mouth to answer but no sound came out. He closed his mouth and tried again. “You look great- I mean, _it_ looks great.” His voice had a small shake, but it disappeared quickly. “I was right, about orange suiting you.”

The small compliment brought joy to Yamaguchi, as he twirled around to observe the dress for himself. “I really like this,” he grinned. “Can you check the price?”

Tsukishima nodded, walking to behind Yamaguchi and checking the back of the collar for the price tag. His fingers gently brushed Yamaguchi’s skin at the back of his neck, making the shorter boy flare up.

Tsukishima stepped back after checking; Yamaguchi turned to face him and the price he heard next was so huge, he could imagine all the zeros that went with it.

He gaped at the ginormous price; it was so expensive that he could buy four days’ worth of meals with it.

“Oh.” _Sure_ , he really wanted the dress, but he decided over it. It wasn’t worth it. “Never mind, I don’t actually want it _that_ much.”

He watched Tsukishima raise a brow and ask, “are you sure?” When Yamaguchi nodded, he continued. “Okay. Did you want to look at anything else in this store?”

Yamaguchi shook his head. “Nah, let’s go check out other stores! Do you have any shop in particular you want to go to?”

Tsukishima shook his head, so Yamaguchi offered one. “I know another store that has nice stuff, let’s go there.”

They took off, Yamaguchi praying that the other boy wasn’t bored, he decided he’d do anything to keep him interested.

Then again, it _was_ Tsukishima who offered to hang out here today, and he wouldn’t ever offer that if he didn’t want to, and that alone gave Yamaguchi confidence to continue cheerfully.

“Oh, wait.”

Yamaguchi stopped in his track after he heard Tsukishima.

Tsukishima turned around to face the direction of the store. “I forgot my wallet, I’ll be back.” Before Yamaguchi had time to reply, he left hurriedly.

Yamaguchi stood there blinking. When he finally processed the words, he realised that he was still standing in the middle of the isle, so he quickly moved over to the side politely, waiting for his friend to return.

Tsukishima didn’t take too long, he came back, spotting Yamaguchi standing near a wall. “Did you find your wallet?” Yamaguchi asked. Tsukishima nodded in reply, and he smiled. “That’s good then. Nothing inside of it was taken, was it?”

“No, everything’s good,” Tsukishima relieved. Ensured, they walked to their next store.

* * *

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi turned around to face his friend with a grave expression on his face.

As sought, Tsukishima replied quickly, a sort of urgency in his voice. He wanted to know why his friend’s mood suddenly changed.

Yamaguchi continued with the serious face, wanting to pull his leg a little longer, “…I found something.”

Tsukishima didn’t have a panicked expression -he never did- but he did look somewhat concerned, and that was just as good as alert. “Is there something wrong? What did you find?”

Yamaguchi took his time. Secretly enjoying the reaction that he got from his friend. Leisurely, he pulled out the items from behind his back, and held it out in front, presenting them to Tsukishima.

Tsukishima himself, looked like he was going through the five stages of grief, looking at the display.

Yamaguchi held two matching hoodies: one green and one blue. Both were plain except for the small cartoon dinosaur in the top right.

Tsukishima was still staring, jaw slightly agape. “Yamaguchi… no way.”

Yamaguchi frowned, “come on. Just _look_ at them, aren’t they so cute?” Tsukishima pushed his glasses up his nose and mumbled something too quiet to decipher. “Huh,” Yamaguchi queried. “I can’t hear you, speak louder.”

“I said fine.” Tsukishima’s voice was hardly louder, but enough for Yamaguchi to grasp.

He grinned toothily. “Yay, let’s go try them on!”

“You can go,” said Tsukishima. “I don’t need to try it on, this one looks like it’ll fit.”

Yamaguchi refuted, “no.” He ushered Tsukishima down the shop and to the changing rooms. “Whoever finishes last owes the other ice cream. Go!”

Yamaguchi scrambled into an empty room, unsure if Tsukishima had too, but knowing him, these past few years had changed him enough to know that he wouldn’t back out of a competition with him.

Narrowly jerking his jumper off, Yamaguchi pulled the hoodie over his head and ran out of his changing room. Tsukishima would probably be there before him, already done- unless he thought it was a stupid idea and didn’t do it in the first place.

After rushing out, Yamaguchi was met with an empty presence… that only lasted two seconds before Tsukishima burst out of his changing room.

Setting his eyes on the other boy’s appearance, Yamaguchi fell into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. He slapped a hand to his mouth, but that didn’t stop the sounds of his muffled laughter from leaking out.

In front of him stood Tsukishima looking very cramped in his hoodie. The sleeves were too short, and the body of the jumper hugged his torso tightly.

Tsukishima just continued to look extremely unamused, crossing his arms in front of his chest, before dragging away into his changing room again. Yamaguchi didn’t miss Tsukishima’s faintly pink dusted cheeks as he left.

“I told you so,” was the first thing Yamaguchi said when Tsukishima returned in his own clothes. Tsukishima just huffed. “If you hadn’t tried it on, you would’ve bought one that’s too tight.”

Tsukishima grumbled in reply and Yamaguchi couldn’t help but start laughing again as he remembered the sight.

“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” Tsukishima asked, running his hand down his face.

“Nope!” Yamaguchi didn’t hesitate to reply. “Though, it’s a shame you didn’t give me time to take a photo, we could’ve salvaged that sight as a precious memory.”

The other boy let out a low groan. “God. No way, I’m deleting it from your memory, hand it over.” Tsukishima held out his hand.

Yamaguchi sniggered, “nuh-uh, I’ll remember it forever. And I’m hoping you haven’t forgot about my ice cream, have you?”

Turns out, Tsukishima hadn’t forgotten at all. “Fuck. I was hoping _you_ had forgotten, but I guess there’s no getting out of this.”

The boys bought their matching hoodies, mind you, Tsukishima made sure to get one that was two sizes larger, and they made their way to the food court. They decided to have lunch before ice cream.

Yamaguchi quite enjoyed eating with Tsukishima; he liked the way they exchanged casual conversation.

He liked they shared their food, Tsukishima always giving him the floppy fries because he knew the boy liked them, and Yamaguchi giving him the other ones.

He liked the way Tsukishima was subtly obsessed with strawberry, so even this time, when Yamaguchi decided to try out the caramel flavour, Tsukishima ordered the strawberry flavour for himself like always.

Having finished his ice-cream, Yamaguchi rested his head on his hands, elbows resting on the table; he looked up at Tsukishima. Relishing the way his gaze concentrated on his pink ice-cream, the way his posture slightly hunched, making him look relaxed, _the way his tongue curled around his ice-cream._

Yamaguchi’s gaze lingered there for a second too long- enough for his mind to travel into uncharted territory, before he averted his whole head, blushing furiously, and silently cursing at his dangerously adventurous mind.

“Oh, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi found it in himself to drag his head back to look at Tsukishima, praying that his face had returned to its normal shade.

Tsukishima finished off his ice-cream. “I recently bought a movie, I haven’t seen it yet, do you wanna come over after this to see it together?”

Yamaguchi’s heart lifted. “Sure, Tsukki!!” Yamaguchi had a hunch- “let me guess, is it another one related to dinosaurs?”

He watched Tsukishima’s lips purse ever so slightly. “Not really…” he looked away. “Maybe- yes.”

Yamaguchi laughed. “Yay! We can go now if you want,” he offered.

“Sure.”

They threw their trash out and began making their way out before Tsukishima remembered something. “Wait here, I need to pick something up from that store.”

They stopped at one of the stores they had visited earlier; Yamaguchi waited outside for Tsukishima, who noted that he’d be back quickly.

True to his word, Tsukishima returned hardly three minutes later with a bag in hand. Yamaguchi couldn’t help but admit that he was indeed curious. “Wattchu got there, Tsukki?”

Tsukishima held the bag in front of Yamaguchi. “This is for you.”

Yamaguchi cocked his head in confusion. “For me?”

Tsukishima nodded, so Yamaguchi took the bag from his hands, peering inside.

_Orange._

His eyes widened and Yamaguchi looked back up at his friend, gaping.

Inside the bag lay the orange summer dress.

“You didn’t need to buy this for me.”

Tsukishima replied flatly, “I wanted to.”

If he could have his way, Yamaguchi would- Yamaguchi leapt forward, embracing Tsukishima into a close hug. He buried his face into Tsukishima’s shoulder, attempting to hide the wide smile that had plastered itself onto his face.

The sensation he felt in his chest this time wasn’t the usual digging of flowers, but instead, he felt his heart swell in affection.

“Thanks, Tsukki.”

* * *

Yamaguchi patiently waited for Tsukishima, in the living room.

They planned to have another movie marathon. It had become something they did regularly ever since the two boys became too old to build cubbies, or catch fireflies, or- you get the idea.

Tsukishima returned from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn in one hand, making his way over to the seat beside Yamaguchi on the couch.

They watched the movie, a silence resting between them.

Yamaguchi was content with the silence, sometimes speaking to comment about the movie, sometimes listening to Tsukishima comment, but mostly, they were comfortable with each other’s presence, not feeling the need to fill the silence with unnecessary conversation.

That was the truth… until he reached into the bowl between the two boys, and his hand brushed Tsukishima’s. Yamaguchi withdrew his hand so fast he almost smacked himself in the face. 

Tsukishima’s appeared to have not noticed- his eyes were still on the TV.

Yamaguchi, however, because of the contact was now very hot, and very red, in the face.

“I- I’m going to make more popcorn!” He dashed into the kitchen, leaving before Tsukishima could catch sight of his incredibly flustered self.

Two-and-a-half movies in, it was beginning to become late.

The night was still young, but both boys were tired. Tsukishima, who was more quiet than usual, blinked sleepily. He no longer had any idea what was happening in the movie, or even what they were watching, he was just watching the light blurs of the screen move around.

Yamaguchi wasn’t as tired as his friend, but he was also sleepily following the blurred movements on the tv.

However, he was shaken awake when he felt the thud on his shoulder. Tsukishima’s head had nodded off onto his shoulder.

It appeared that the thud had also waken Tsukishima, and he lifted his head quickly. “Sorry about that.”

Yamaguchi shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine.” He considers offering… “If you want… you can rest your head on my lap…?”

Tsukishima hummed in reply. “Thanks, Yamaguchi.” Resting his head on Yamaguchi’s lap, Tsukishima continued watching the tv blearily.

Yamaguchi found that he didn’t feel uncomfortable at all like this, and his hand automatically found its way to play with Tsukishima’s hair.

Just like his own, Tsukishima’s hair had grown quite long in the past few years, not as long as his own, but the silky gold locks were definitely softer than Yamaguchi’s hair.

They both continued watching the movie in a relaxed stillness; Yamaguchi playing with Tsukishima’s hair, and Tsukishima fiddling with the loose strings of Yamaguchi’s ripped jeans above his knee.

A small smile took its place on his face; all was peaceful like this, and Yamaguchi couldn’t help but feel happy.

He could spend forever like this.

Tsukishima seemed undisturbed, and Yamaguchi guessed that he’d fallen asleep under his embrace.

It didn’t take long for him to fall sleep too, the muffled sound of the tv in the background, and the warmth of his friend on him.

This was the first night in a long time where Yamaguchi went to sleep without the irritating tickle of petals in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter!! <<3
> 
> I am thanking the weekday gods that it's finally the end of the week. I kid you not, when I say this week of school left me drained, I mean it had me procrastinating all of my work until it all piled up for the last day.  
> But, it's finally, (did I say finally?) FINALLY the weekend.


	13. The Flower Made Of Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The irony was, the second he excused himself for the intrusion, stepping into Tsukishima’s house, there was nothing but a startling silence. In fact, there wasn’t even a single light on, so the only thing allowing Yamaguchi to see his surroundings was the faint sunlight, which was quick to set as well.
> 
> In all honesty, it looked like the perfect setting for a cliché horror movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest chapter I've written for this fic, and I'm pretty proud of myself for not taking 724019 years to write it!! ᕦ(ò▽óˇ)ᕤ  
> 

_10 th of November 20xx_

_I’m so happy right now, honestly, I don’t think anything can ruin my mood. I'm not sure how Tsukki managed to do all this, but I’m certainly not complaining!! I really want to thank him- not just for this, but for everything, except how am I meant to do that?_

_I think... I should confess. I'm not entirely sure because every time I try to, my mind goes blank and I end up backing out again. But this might just mean it's not the right time yet, you know?_

_I'm sure when the time comes, the words will come naturally!! :)_

Yamaguchi turned on his lamp to retrieve his phone. He wasn’t sure what time it was, but he knew it mustn’t have been a good sign if someone was calling him this late.

He answered the call before even checking the caller ID. “Hello?”

_“Hey, Yamaguchi.”_

_Tsukki’s voice._

Why on earth would he be calling him this late… unless something was wrong-

“Are you okay Tsukki!?” Did something happen!?”

He heard Tsukishima laugh over the line. _What?_

“Tsukki, why are you laughing- Actually, why are you calling this late? What’s wrong?”

 _“Nothing’s wrong, Yamaguchi,”_ he assured him. _“But yes, something did happen. I need to say something.”_

Yamaguchi was both anxious and curious at this point. “What is it?”

_“Happy birthday, Yamaguchi.”_

_What?_

_Oh._

_Ohhh._ Yamaguchi looked over to the digital clock on his nightstand. 12:01am, 10th November. A warm feeling overcame him, and Yamaguchi smiled. Tsukishima had waited to be the first person to wish him on his birthday as always.

“Thanks, Tsukki.”

 _“It’s no problem, there’s no need to thank me,”_ Tsukishima yawned. _“Good night- or morning, Yamaguchi.”_

Still smiling brightly, Yamaguchi hummed in concur. “Yeah, good morning Tsukki.”

* * *

School was a blast, to tell the truth, it was pretty exhausting in general, but that was the usual. 

It was a lot, but nothing Yamaguchi wasn’t used to. Hinata’s greeting was the everyday-usual; running and jumping onto Yamaguchi, but this time it was accompanied with a loud ‘happy birthday’.

It took an effort to not topple over with Hinata clinging onto him. Kageyama behind him appeared to have forgotten the date and offered his milk in apology. Yamaguchi just chuckled, and thanked him for the gesture, but reassured Kageyama that it was fine and that he could keep his milk.

Yamaguchi wouldn’t say he was popular but being the volleyball team’s captain made it difficult to stay unknown. Especially since Karasuno had made it to nationals for the past two years and they were going to go again this year.

In addition to that, Yamaguchi was friendly with all his classmates, and they were incredibly friendly too, so it was a given that they’d know about his birthday, all wishing him a happy birthday.

Practice went extremely well too. The team was in their top form, and they stole two whole sets off Date Tech, who had come to Karasuno for a practice match.

All in all, it was a busy day, but it was a great day, and walking home, Yamaguchi was happy with how his birthday was spent.

Yamaguchi flopped face-first onto his bed as soon as he came home.

His muscles were aching from overworking them at practice- but in a good way. In a satisfying way.

After the noisy day, Yamaguchi only now realised how quiet it was, enough for him to hear the ringing in his own ears.

By now, he was used to his parents being away from home most the time because of the business trips. It was necessary in order to provide for the family. So even if Yamaguchi usually felt lonely at home because of this, he never complained.

Albeit never complaining, he just couldn’t shake off the feeling of disappointment. They had promised to be home for his birthday this year, so they could celebrate it together. He knew that he couldn’t blame them either since it wasn’t their choice, they were also surprised with the sudden change of dates for work.

Yamaguchi sat up on his bed, looking straight into the mirror hanging on his cupboard door. His dark hair was a mess, random pieces sticking out of the small ponytail he had originally tied his hair in.

Besides that, he felt pretty okay- a little hungry if he said so himself, but he could make dinner later. His eyes fell to examine his chest and Yamaguchi placed a hand on it. Even through the shirt, he could feel the warmth of his hand on his skin. He could feel the beat of his heart on his hand.

His heart was still beating; he was still alive.

Yamaguchi abruptly turned his attention away from the subject.

Today was his birthday, meaning gloomy thoughts or anything of the sort were banned.

His complexion looked pretty healthy, it was glowing… or was that just sweat?

Probably sweat.

Yamaguchi dragged himself off to take the shower he required after the long afternoon of volleyball.

He felt better after showering. This time, Yamaguchi’s face was _actually_ glowing _\- not just sweat._

His phone buzzed from the other side of his bedroom, and he walked over to grab it.

A text.

_**Tsukishima-** I’ve got something to show you. Wanna sleep over?_

The answer was obvious as Yamaguchi enthusiastically went to retrieve his overnight bag; the boys had one ready at all times since they went over so much.

_**Yamaguchi-** I’ll be there in ten ;p_

He didn’t want to last a second longer in the house, all alone, especially on his birthday. If he were with Tsukishima, at least he wouldn’t feel like with every passing second, he was getting more, and more, devoured by the emptiness.

The irony was, the second he excused himself for the intrusion, stepping into Tsukishima’s house, there was nothing but a startling silence. In fact, there wasn’t even a single light on, so the only thing allowing Yamaguchi to see his surroundings was the faint sunlight, which was quick to set as well.

In all honesty, it looked like the perfect setting for a cliché horror movie.

“Umm… Tsukki?”

Tsukishima’s voice came from further inside the house, “I’m in the living room.”

Yamaguchi crept in, not wanting to break the anticipating atmosphere.

The living room was dark too, what’s more, it was so dark, he couldn’t even see his shado-

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAMAGUCHI!!!”

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” Yamaguchi literally leapt backwards, slapping a hand to his mouth to stop the deafening scream that was approaching out of surprise.

The lights were switched on and Yamaguchi could now see everything in the room that had been hiding in the darkness.

Streamers hanging on walls, balloons everywhere _, even a cake_ , and standing in the middle of it were his best friends, all smiling at him.

Hinata, who had a grin too wide for his face, was wearing a ridiculous, yet cute party hat.

Beside him, Kageyama, who was doing his best to smile, instead looking murderous, was wearing a matching party hat.

Yachi looked more sensible compared to the duo. She was wearing a smile that would have most definitely given Yamaguchi a heart attack if he saw it a few years ago, but now, it looked nothing less than endearing.

And Tsukishima, standing on the far left had a small smile, but the real excitement was showing on his eyes, which gleamed like gold.

Yamaguchi recovered from his fright, now staring at everyone in awe. “What on earth- Is this all… for me?”

Beaming proudly at him, Hinata replied, “yup!! Salty-Shima did all of this just for you, and we helped!!”

Yamaguchi watched Tsukishima rub the back of his head sheepishly. “I didn’t do much, they helped me set up most of this.”

_Always so modest._

Yamaguchi was at a loss of words. How was he supposed to thank them for all this? Lucky for him, it appeared that they knew exactly what he was thinking.

“No need to thank us, Yamaguchi-kun,” Yachi said. “Hurry up and cut your cake!!”

Yamaguchi’s gaze fixed on the cake which had been placed carefully on the table. “How can I ever thank you guys?”

“You’re going to start sounding like a broken radio if you keep repeating that. Just cut you cake.”

Yamaguchi gave Tsukishima a look, and Tsukishima averted his gaze, smirking cutely.

The cake was Tsukishima’s favourite strawberry-shortcake cake- if it could even be called that. Especially with the messy icing and unevenly cut strawberries.

Judging from its looks; Tsukishima had probably made it himself. Because as far as Yamaguchi’s knowledge went, his best friend was the only person with the capability to make a cake look this horrendous.

Yamaguchi’s heart softened; it was perfect.

But he didn’t forget to mentally note on giving Tsukishima some pointers later about baking.

Yamaguchi sat on the seat behind the small table, knife in hand, ready to cut the cake.

Hinata stopped him with a cry. “Wait!! Don’t forget to make a wish and blow the candles!!”

“Oh.” Yamaguchi rummaged through his head for something to wish for, but as always, right at the moment he needed something most, his head went blank.

Sitting there in thought, Yamaguchi knew not to take too long, but his mind was completely empty, so he settled on wishing for the first thing at the top of his mind and blew the candles.

“What did you wish for?” Hinata bounced on his feet.

“That’s for me to know, and for you to find out.” Yamaguchi grinned, before beginning to cut the cake.

Feeling their stares on him, he looked up and found them all watching him quietly.

Yamaguchi fiddled with the knife in his hand. “Guysss. Don’t make this so awkwarddd.”

After a beat of realisation, they all burst out into laughter.

“Why don’t we sing happy birthday then?” Yachi offered.

All four teammates turned to look at her, instantaneously silencing. Reluctant agreement came, and Yamaguchi sat there with embarrassment, cutting the cake.

Embarrassment turned to amusement as he differentiated their voices.

Kageyama sounded like a robot singing, his monotonous voice having no change in pitch or tempo.

Whereas Yachi’s voice sounded angelic. Yamaguchi had only heard her hum to small tunes before, when she was busy with a task, but hearing it loud and clear, it was obvious she had an amazing singing voice.

Hinata, on the other hand, was singing the loudest but he was so off key from everyone else, it was truly a wonder how he didn’t realise it himself,

And Tsukishima… well, he sounded like Tsukishima.

Yamaguchi knew Tsukishima didn’t like singing, and he disliked people hearing his singing even more. But every so often, Yamaguchi would catch him with his headphones on, singing along with the music.

He wasn’t sure if Tsukishima himself noticed that he’d begun singing, but that didn’t stop Yamaguchi from appreciating the rare times he heard his best friend’s singing voice.

Yamaguchi finished cutting the cake, sharing slices around, and they ate, talking and laughing carefreely.

Their friendly chatter filled up the empty silence of the rest of the house. It was a scenery Yamaguchi liked: sitting with his friends, exchanging pleasant conversation, and laughing together. It made him feel warm and bubbly on the inside.

“Don’t you think we should do presents now?”

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened. No fucking way. “Wait what?”

Hinata cocked his head. “You know. The gifts you give people on their birthday?”

Yamaguchi flailed his hands. “I know what presents are, but there is no way in hell I can accept them. You guys planned all this, and that’s already so much.”

Tsukishima walked over to the small cupboard on the other side of the living room. “Shut up Yamaguchi. It’s not like you asked anyway. We’re doing this because we want to.”

Ready to argue back, Yamaguchi shook his head, but before he knew it, his friends were standing in front of him, gifts in hand.

Yamaguchi fell back onto the seat behind him, admitting his defeat. “This is unfair, all four ganging up on me.” He looked up to meet their gaze, “I can’t refuse, can I?”

Smirking, Yachi shook her head.

Hinata bounced on his spot. “Yama, open mine first! Open mine first!”

It took a whole lot of willpower not to flat out laugh at the way Hinata’s present was taller than himself.

Yamaguchi tore open the badly wrapped gift to find a large bear underneath. His jaw fell open in surprise.

“How did you even manage to find this?” Yamaguchi found himself wearing a smile too big for his face as he hugged the ginormous teddy bear. “Thanks, Hinata.”

Hinata hugged the two of them -Yamaguchi and the bear- “It’s my pleasure! We went to that festival last year and you wanted one of these, but you never found it. My mum knows someone who works there so they helped me find this!!”

“Move out of the way, Tangerine.” Kageyama pushed Hinata away, holding his own present for Yamaguchi to open. Yamaguchi took the large paper bag, looking inside.

A volleyball, knee pads, and more volleyball equipment. His eyes widened, this was exactly what he’d been needing for a while now, but there was no way all this stuff came cheap. But Yamaguchi couldn’t just refuse the present. “Thank you so much, Kageyama.” Yamaguchi leaned forward to hug him, giggling at the way Kageyama returned his hug awkwardly. His hugging skills were as terrible as always.

Pulling away, Yamaguchi watched the way Kageyama sneered at Hinata. “See, he totally likes my present better.”

Hinata stuck his tongue out back at him. “How did you have time to buy a present? I thought you forgot it was even his birthday today!!”

“Unlike you, _I’m_ always prepared. I had already planned out and bought a present he’d obviously like more than yours.”

Yamaguchi realised he deeply wanted to quickly move on before they interrogated him into choosing whose present he liked better.

Yachi handed Yamaguchi her present, also sensing the competition Hinata and Kageyama were one step away from beginning. 

Her present was in a small floral print box, and opening the lid, everything seemed to shout ‘Yachi’.

Yamaguchi found it difficult to even stare directly at the box considering the countless number of shiny things in there, but the smell, _oh god_. There must have been something scented in there because it was definitely the best thing Yamaguchi had ever smelled.

Yamaguchi closed the lid, reaching to hug Yachi too. She was definitely a better hugger than Kageyama, (even though Yamaguchi had to bend down a little to hug her properly).

“I hope you like them! I went shopping with my mother and she helped me choose these.”

Yamaguchi beamed. “Thanks, Yachi. I love it!”

Yamaguchi watched as she chewed her lip, before smiling back at him hugely.

The last present was Tsukishima’s. He handed Yamaguchi a small rectangular shaped present, and Yamaguchi made it his point to tear the wrapping carefully. Tsukishima’s presents weren’t always the flashiest, or the biggest, but they were always useful, and Yamaguchi loved them all the same for the thought his best friend put in.

A notebook. Yamaguchi unwrapped the present to find a small notebook, inside. Flipping through the pages, Yamaguchi found that they were blank. It would be considered a lie, if Yamaguchi were to say he wasn’t let down, but Yamaguchi did his best to not let it show on his face- until.

Yamaguchi felt another weight in the wrapping paper, and looking through, he found a black rectangular shaped box. It wasn’t too much smaller than his own hand, and it was tied with a small gold ribbon down the middle.

Untying the ribbon, Yamaguchi opened the small box, and felt a gut-wrenching tug at his heart strings.

Lying there was a pen.

What caught Yamaguchi’s attention wasn’t the fact that the pen was presumably made of glass, or that it was coated in the finest colour of gold that he’d ever seen.

It was the small flower that was attached to the top of the pen.

Hinata’s anxious voice was what broke his attention from the gift. “What’s wrong, Yama?”

Looking around, Yamaguchi found that all three of his friends were looking at him anxiously. “…Guys? What’s wrong?”

Kageyama’s expression, on the other hand, looked more confused. “Why’re you crying? Did we do something to make you sad?”

Lifting a sleeve to wipe his cheek, Yamaguchi was surprised when it came back wet.

_Oh._

Yamaguchi swallowed. “I guess I’m just so happy. I thought I’d be spending the rest of my birthday alone, but then you guys did all this and- _thanks guys_.” He smiled softly. “I really appreciate it.”

Before he knew it, Yamaguchi was enveloped into a warm hug, immediately melting into Tsukishima’s arms.

“Hey,” Hinata yelled. “I want to hug Yama too!!” The tranquil comfort lasted about three-quarters of a second longer, before Yamaguchi was crushed by Hinata who jumped into him, joining the hug.

As if sensing the sentimentality of the moment, Yachi and Kageyama joined the hug too.

Yamaguchi kept in mind that this was one of those moments that didn’t happen very often in his life, and sooner or later, his memory would serve him wrong, and he’d forget about it.

But the idyllic feeling he felt at that moment was something he’d treasure all the way until the moment came for him to forget.

* * *

As the night closed in, they found themselves doing nothing, and so the third years decided to play a game to pass time and had (reluctantly) agreed with Hinata’s suggestion of Truth or Dare.

They were on their third round, and Yamaguchi had to admit he was getting a little bored. Most their choices were truths, but it was no fun if they wouldn’t get any interesting answers.

It was his turn to ask someone, but even before he could open his mouth, Yamaguchi was interrupted by a buzzing noise.

Yachi jerked at the abrupt noise, before realising it was her own phone.

Yamaguchi waited for her to finish replying to a supposed text, lazily watching as she checked her phone.

He noticed the way her cheeks slowly tinted a rosy shade, and a small smile danced on her lips. Yamaguchi nudged Hinata beside him with his elbow, pointing his gaze at the girl.

“Huh?” Hinata, clueless as ever, squinted his eyes as if it were going to help him understand any better. Yamaguchi watched as Hinata’s face at last dawned in realisation before smirking “Ohhh.”

After Yachi finally responded, putting her phone away, Hinata spoke. “Who was it?”

Yachi visibly shifted on the spot in their somewhat established circle on the floor. “It’s nothing too important. I just replied to a text.”

Hinata continued staring her down. “Nothing too important, you say?”

Yachi was discernibly searching for words at this at this point, all eyes on her now. Her face flushed even brighter and having found no words, she pursed her lips, refusing to answer.

“That’s fine,” Yamaguchi nodded at her. “Let’s just continue playing, it’s my turn anyways.”

Yamaguchi thought Yachi knew him better than to think he would just leave the matter at that without something up his sleeve.

“Yachi. Truth or dare?”

Yachi answered, “truth,” as she had done for every round before.

Yamaguchi wasn’t doing well as he fought against his smile. “Who were you texting just before?”

“EHHH?” Yachi stammered, before she found her tongue again. “That’s not fair!!

Yamaguchi gave in to the grin, crossing his arms, and leaning back on the wall behind him. “In actual fact, it’s _completely_ fair.”

Frowning at him, Yachi crossed her own arms, matching his stance, and staring right back-

-she gave in. “Fine.”

 _Yes!_ Yamaguchi internally congratulated himself for winning over her, considering how scary Yachi had learnt to be when she wanted to.

“It’s just a girl from my class.”

“Tell us more, Yachi!!” Hinata was obviously invested in this, always having been fond of her.

“No. You were only allowed to ask one truth.”

Yamaguchi pouted. “Aww, you’re not fun.” He knew something was up with the way Yachi avoided the topic.

During the time he knew Yachi, Yamaguchi hadn’t ever heard about a crush, or a significant other, or anything of the sort, so it intrigued him -the thought that there might be something like that now-

“Come on,” he persisted. “Don’t you want to tell us… after all, we’re your best friends, aren’t we?”

Yamaguchi watched as Yachi chewed her lip in indecisive thought. She gave them one more look, before she gave in again. “Fine.”

Hinata cheered, high-fiving Yamaguchi with both hands and receiving a rejection when he wanted to high-five Kageyama too.

“I just got to know her recently because we were paired up for the previous project- that’s how we started talking. But we’ve been talking regularly, and we even exchanged number.”

The speed of Yachi’s talking, although she might not have realised it, began speeding up as she continued talking. Even her voice changed; the usual soft tone, became more radiant, and bubbly.

In other words, Yachi’s sensation of endearment was quite frankly _very visible_ in her tone.

“She likes texting me about _everything_ she does- wait! Not that I dislike it, because she’s actually super cool, and I really want to get to know her more, and- fuck.”

It appeared that Yachi finally realised she had begun gushing and spilled way too much. There was no talking that back.

Tsukishima channelled in. Even he was intrigued by the sight, not even bothering to hide his simper. “In other words, you’re hopelessly crushing on her. Way to go.”

Hinata himself was currently not smiling, but in its place, wearing a focused expression, and rubbing his chin with a hand. Yamaguchi observed him as Hinata nodded to himself, as if he were comprehending solid fact. “That’s understandable. From what you told us; she does seem like someone pretty amazing.” He gave Yachi a thumbs up. “Totally someone worthy of you.”

Yachi looked back and forth at Tsukishima and Hinata in bewilderment. “Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn’t say I had a crush on her!!”

“But you didn’t deny it,” Hinata teased.

Yamaguchi smirked in satisfaction, showing his phone screen to Yachi. “Is this her?”

“HOW DID YOU FIND HER- I DIDN’T EVEN TELL YOU HER NAME???”

Yamaguchi, who had pulled up her Instagram page, retrieved his phone before Yachi had time to snatch his it out of his hand. “Magic.” He displayed his phone for the rest of his friends to see and-

“Eh? _Her?_ ”

Kageyama, who had appeared not to have any interest in the conversation, tuned in at the glimpse of her picture.

Yamaguchi’s interest boosted by a mile, and he halted. “Kageyama? Do you know this girl?” he asked.

Kageyama nodded, his face looking more poker than murderous, which was a rare sight. “Yeah, she came up to me the other day.”

Processing the newly acquired information, Yamaguchi exchanged glances with Tsukishima, Tsukishima shrugging back at him idly. “How come?”

“Hmm?” Kageyama didn’t reply for a good ten seconds, racking his memory.

“ _Oh!_ ”

Mutually, Hinata, Yachi, and Yamaguchi, all flinched back at his sudden outburst.

“I remember. She was asking something like, if I knew if Yachi was dating anyone. She thought since we’re teammates I might know, but I didn’t really know, so I told her to just ask Yachi, herself.”

Yachi, who had been listening intently, choked violently on the soda she was drinking, before her jaw dropped, and she froze.

Tsukishima, beside her, just patted her shoulder, the amused expression on his face not helping matters. “Looks like she’s already yours.”

Speaking of not helping matters, Hinata, and Yamaguchi were laughing their asses off like there was no tomorrow. While in the midst of all, Kageyama was inaudibly watching the chaos of a reaction he had set off.

And sinking into the carpet, was the blushing mess, called Yachi.

* * *

Forty minutes.

For forty whole minutes Tsukishima and Kageyama had argued over which movie they wanted to watch. It wasn’t like Yamaguchi expected them to cooperate, considering how they always got under one or the others another’s skin, but it genuinely stunned him how they could go back and forth with their bickering for the longest time.

It appeared that today was not the day to find out just how long their quarrels could last, because Hinata intervened, suggesting that they should simply watch a horror movie.

Turned out, judging from the way Hinata was practically attached to Kageyama not even fifteen minutes in, neither he, nor Kageyama could handle horror movies well at all. Yamaguchi could no longer even decipher which limb belonged to who, given how they were all tangled on the small couch.

Yamaguchi himself, felt nothing short of entertainment.

He hadn’t ever liked horror movies much- not because they scared him, because in reality it was quite the opposite. They usually bored him, so he was somewhat reluctant about sitting through the entire two hours of tedium, but the display around him proved otherwise.

Watching it with everyone and seeing their reactions made it ten times better

He sat in the middle couch, on the spot between Tsukishima and Yachi.

Yachi, who held onto his arm like her life depended on it, and Tsukishima on the other side of him, who was probably trying to play it cool like always because the dark room concealed the way Tsukishima was clutching Yamaguchi’s sleeve.

Nevertheless, that didn’t matter, because no one saw it- well… no one except Yamaguchi, but Tsukishima was fine with him knowing.

Now that Yamaguchi thought about it, Tsukishima always let himself be a little more vulnerable to him.

A few short hours later, the movie came to an end. Hinata and Kageyama had both passed out on the couch during the movie in what Yamaguchi saw to be the most uncomfortable position imaginable, but hey, who was he to judge if they felt comfy on each other like that?

Yachi, on the other hand, was very much wide awake.

So much so, it took a whole fifteen minutes of convincing her that there wasn’t any paranormal activity in the house, and that he wasn’t just an evil spirit possessing Yamaguchi’s body.

In the end, Yachi relaxed into the large futon she had all to herself, and fell asleep in no time, after she received a good night text from a _certain_ somebody

That being said, Tsukishima, who had also been accused of being an imposter in his body, trudged off wearily, with a small, ‘good night’ to sleep in his own room.

So that left Yamaguchi, who had the smaller futon to himself, except, lying here, he didn’t fall asleep. Instead, he stared at the unreasonably dark ceiling, wondering if stars and streaks were really there, or if it was just a trick of the dark- probably the latter.

His mind reviewed today’s events.

Everything had happened so suddenly, constant surprises, it just didn’t give him any time to think- well mostly. Not that he disliked it.

But all things considered, he was glad for the breather right now. Yamaguchi liked surprises, he liked impulses.

But that was only once in a while.

On the whole, Yamaguchi liked stability. He liked being able to think things through, he liked consistency, and he liked knowing that things weren’t going to be too different tomorrow.

Turning to lie on his side, Yamaguchi’s thoughts trailed to…

Is it… _gone_?

No.

Judging how the flowers hadn’t made their appearance for weeks, it had got to be gone, _right?_

No.

It doesn’t just leave. Yamaguchi had done enough research to know that it _never_ just leaves.

He still felt them in his lungs, reacting to every interaction in various ways. Sometimes tensing, sometimes easing, but never blooming.

The flowers weren’t bit, but they were still there. Waiting.

_Waiting?_

Waiting for what? For him to stop trying? For him to lose hope? For him to get rejected?

Like a ticking bomb, one that Yamaguchi had no idea when it would go off.

In the end, he was just relying on his luck to give him more time.

Nope.

He was overthinking again.

Taking a breather was good, but overthinking was never good.

Yamaguchi got up quietly, making sure not to wake the others. 

He walked towards the faint glow, wincing as the light got brighter until he reached Tsukishima’s room. Tsukishima had his lamp on and was still reading. The small clock on his bedside table ticked, reading ‘1:25am’.

This was another thing Yamaguchi had learnt about his best friend; that Tsukishima always read prior to sleeping, it was a tactic to tire himself into falling asleep sooner.

Tsukishima paused reading and looked up to him. Yamaguchi smiled in return. “Hey, Tsukki”

Adjusting his glasses, Tsukishima sat up straighter. “Yamaguchi?” His voice came out rough and at that moment, Yamaguchi realised just how tired he must have been after the long day. After all, Tsukishima was the one who arranged this ideal party. “Is something wrong?”

Yamaguchi unconsciously lifted a hand to rub the back of his neck. “Not really. I just- I can’t sleep.”

“Wanna sleep with me?”

“Yeah.”

It wasn’t like the boys hadn’t slept together before. In fact, they had done it plenty over the years.

Having sleepovers, it was always too cold, or too scary, or too uncomfortable, or it was just too difficult to fall asleep. And so, they always slept together, Yamaguchi cuddling up to him and Tsukishima hugging him back, like it was normal.

Well, it _was_ normal.

But now they were older, and Yamaguchi was awfully aware of his enormous crush-

One night. He could spare one night to forget about all that. For one night, it could go back to how it used to be.

Yamaguchi climbed into the bed, resting his head on Tsukishima’s lap, and pulling the blanket to cover the rest of his body. He felt Tsukishima’s hand locate to his hair, and Yamaguchi eased under the contact.

Tsukishima continued reading, the light was still bright, and he could hear the loud clock ticking, but Yamaguchi needed nothing less, and nothing more, than the boy’s presence to drift off soundly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to think that in their third year of high school, Yamaguchi, Kageyama, Tsukishima, Yachi, and Hinata have the same kind of friendship the four third-years from Seijoh used to have (Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Mattsun, and Makki) Ya know?  
> It seemed so cute, especially after really growing on each other during those three years
> 
> I hope you liked reading this chapter as much as I loved writing it!!  
> Thank you for reading <<3
> 
> Oh, and Happy Halloween!! o((*^▽^*))o


	14. Cold Autumn Days And Warm Autumn Nights (Both Of Which I Spend With You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know, being afraid isn’t the same as being weak… -well it mostly isn’t-”  
> Glancing at his friend, Yamaguchi knew Tsukishima was talking about their encounter just before.  
> “But doing something, despite feeling scared is actually pretty brave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hey! Hey! I can't believe we're 30k words in!! Ngl when I started this fic, I was planning at most 18k words but somehow we're at almost twice as much, so yay  
> \\(*^▽^*)/  
> I was in the middle of writing this chapter when I realised I didn't like it, so I ditched that, and re-wrote this from scratch so that's why this chapter is late (and the whole covid19 thing is getting better meaning I have to physically attend my classes now :/ sucks, but remember to stay safe!!)

_28 th of November 20xx_

_I can’t recall it too well, but in elementary school I remember going to sleep most nights wondering how it feels to have a friend._

_Since I didn’t have siblings, I was often lonely and didn’t know how to act around other kids._

_But looking back on that now, I think it’s one of those things in life that take place to shape the person you become in the future._

_Putting myself aside, I think a few of the incidents that occurred in the past also happened to shape the people around me -mostly for the better- and the thought of that makes me really glad._

Yamaguchi squirmed, shifting his weight onto his other foot. “Tsukki, can you order for me?”

It wasn’t like he was afraid of talking to the intimidating looking café worker at the register, who looked terrifyingly identical to one of the boys who would take part in bullying him all those years ago. 

Although his hair had grown long now, and his face looking calmer than the malicious expression Yamaguchi was used to, he could recognise those dark eyes anywhere -even if it were in a random café they stopped at to buy hot drinks before going to study at the library.

Tsukishima, who didn’t seem able to take the hint, languorously took a seat at one of the many empty tables. “No, it’s your turn since I got them last time.”

Minding the front counter, Yamaguchi checked if he’d been spotted yet, and prayed he wasn’t recognisable. He bit his lip apprehensively. “Please? I’ll get them next time.”

Tsukishima idly studied him, interested by the only just visible desperate tone. Tsukishima eyes followed Yamaguchi’s, searching for the direction where Yamaguchi kept glancing.

_The person working at the front register._

Yamaguchi watched comprehension slowly flood his friend’s expression and Tsukishima’s eyebrow twitched the slightest. Yamaguchi gently let out a silent sigh of relief.

In all honesty, he felt somewhat guilty.

These anxious feelings in his stomach that he’d believed to be gone were only resurfacing now. After all these years Yamaguchi would’ve thought he had changed a bit, but noticing how agitated he was, there was no denying he was the same contemptable person he was all those years ago.

“No.”

Yamaguchi withdrew from his pondering, dazed. “Huh?”

“No,” Tsukishima repeated himself. “I’ll get it next time. You can get it this time.”

A sick feeling rose in his stomach. “Wait- but-”

“Nope.” Tsukishima nudged his shoulder, pushing him in the direction of the counter.

The dire need to run away was only felt for three seconds before Yamaguchi gave up. A spurious smile on his face, Yamaguchi walked to the front, not meeting the employee’s eyes, and reciting their order.

“…Yamaguchi?”

Yamaguchi swore silently in his head. Why couldn’t he spend his weekend afternoon in peace?

Mustering the little courage he had, Yamaguchi looked up, holding eye contact with the worker in front of him. “Hiroto.”

His dark hair had grown out, it was almost as long as Yamaguchi’s, falling into neat wisps below his eyes. Hiroto was still bigger than Yamaguchi, because even though he was only taller than Yamaguchi by a tad, the uniform stretched over his well-defined muscles. He had a tattoo that only just peeked out from his collar, a ring over his lip, and a slit running through his left brow.

Yamaguchi couldn’t decipher what expression the worker had but it wasn’t one he had seen before.

“Umm,” Hiroto fumbled. “Long time, no see. How’s it going?”

Yamaguchi swallowed. He wasn’t sure what the other boy had up his sleeve, he didn’t know what the point of this small talk, but all the same, he went with the flow.

“Yeah, it has been a long time.” Yamaguchi bit the inside of his cheek. “I’ve been doing well, just school and all… studying with Tsukki.”

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi watched as Hiroto look over to Tsukishima and back to him. Confusion leaving from his face. “Oh, him.”

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi said awkwardly. “... How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been doing well too. School, work- same as usual,” Hiroto nodded. Yamaguchi watched as Hiroto’s eyes fell to the floor and he fiddled with the pen in his hand. “You look different.”

“Excuse me.”

Instead of the intimidation he would’ve felt a while ago, irritation grew in Yamaguchi’s stomach. Yamaguchi hadn’t thought Hiroto was immature enough revert back to the old harassing about his looks, but he’d thought wrong.

Or maybe he hadn’t ever changed.

Hiroto’s eyes grew wide and he waved his hands in front. “No, I didn’t mean it that way.” Yamaguchi watched him lick the corner of his lips. “Good- you look good.”

Yamaguchi deflated in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

Hiroto rubbed the back of his neck, uncertainly. “No. _I’m_ sorry. I don’t think you’ve forgotten about the shit that happened in the past.” Yamaguchi took a step back, uneasily.

_What the fuck is going on?_

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please accept my apology.”

Yamaguchi was left speechlessly standing there, his jaw slightly agape.

“Oh.”

Hiroto got called and returned with his order. Yamaguchi still couldn’t find the words to reply with, and as he paid, and he found that clenching and unclenching his fists didn’t help gather the right words either.

Taking the receipt and drinks from Hiroto’s hand, Yamaguchi knew his hands were shaking, but despite himself, he smiled.

He honestly smiled at Hiroto.

“I’ll see you around.”

Nodding, Hiroto looked at him genuinely. “Yeah.”

Walking out the café with Tsukishima, Yamaguchi slowly sipped the warm drink in his hand.

“You did that on purpose, didn’t you?”

Tsukishima didn’t agree, nor deny, but the knowing expression was already enough of an answer. “Are you not glad, though?”

“I guess I am.” Yamaguchi rolled his eyes at Tsukishima’s blunt avoidance of the question, but he was right, because even now, Yamaguchi was glad he talked to Hiroto.

Tsukishima took a sip of his own drink, his warm exhale fogging the cold air. “You know, being afraid isn’t the same as being weak… -well it mostly isn’t-”

Glancing at his friend, Yamaguchi knew Tsukishima was talking about their encounter just before.

“But doing something, despite feeling scared is actually pretty brave.”

Yamaguchi’s breath hitched, his mind reeling and catching at Tsukishima’s words. His heart thundered no-so-quietly, and even with the cold autumn air Yamaguchi felt too warm underneath his clothes.

Yamaguchi poorly hid his smile, trying to bury it in the scarf wrapped around his neck. It was still a mystery, how Tsukishima always said the right words.

Yamaguchi didn’t risk stealing a glance at his friend and was eternally grateful for the way his scarf obscured the growing blush on his neck.

Tsukishima himself, clicked his tongue before producing an airy laugh. “That was so humiliating. Forget everything I just said.”

Yamaguchi pushed his face even deeper into his scarf, but it scarcely concealed his own laughter, so he gave up, laughing out into the open.

Tsukishima narrowed his eyes at him, but Yamaguchi only laughed harder, his chest feeling so light. “No,” he said in between his laughter. His hands were occupied with his drinks and his books, so Yamaguchi was unable to wipe the tears of laughter forming at his eyes. “I promise I’m not laughing at what you said. In fact, I really needed it, so thanks and it was very helpful -until you made it embarrassing for yourself.”

Tsukishima knocked his shoulder against Yamaguchi’s, making him wobble on the sidewalk.

Yamaguchi stopped walking, to double down and laugh properly, and watching the endearing sight, Tsukishima too chuckled at the amusement of the situation.

* * *

The thing about libraries, was that no matter if they were small or large, warm or cold, noisy or peaceful, they always had the home-y feel to them. Yamaguchi particularly appreciated that.

This library in specific was somewhat large, rows and rows of tall shelves lined up on both sides of the enormous room, and several large tables and chairs placed all around the middle room.

Yamaguchi was grateful for the heating, mainly because it was zero-point-the-first-six digits-of-pi-degrees outside.

The place had a warm hue to it even without the usual sunlight gleaming in through the windows during the warmer days, and it smelt like paper and freshly home-baked confectionaries; exactly what it looked like it would smell like.

Finally setting down his books on the table, Yamaguchi loosely wriggled his arms.

Carrying all those books was certainly a workout for his arms but looking back on how weak his arms used to be, it would’ve been ridiculously difficult to hold all them a few years ago, so hey! This was basically a back handed achievement.

Tsukishima, who had done plenty of blocking against absurdly strong opponents, set down his own books effortlessly, cracking his neck satisfyingly, and taking a seat at the large rectangular table.

The chairs were those big comfortable ones, their smooth frames made of wood, and their soft cushions draped with red velvet. 

For obvious reasons, the library was quite packed; some students studying, other people reading, and some here simply because of the warm comfort it provided.

Yamaguchi found that it was easier to concentrate in the environment of the library than it was at home, which was surprising because of the increased number of possible distractions. Then again, maybe it was just another one of the many unexplainable things about libraries.

It wasn’t long before they got through a large portion of their work. Yamaguchi sipped his not-so-hot-anymore drink to find the cup was empty.

“Why do you like that sweet shit anyway? It’s practically diabetes in a cup.”

Yamaguchi stared at his friend, taking full offense to the insult at his caramel macchiato. “Excuse me, mister I-only-drink-coffee-that-is-roasted-darker-than-my-soul, you can’t say shit on this topic.” Yamaguchi grinned slyly, “especially not when I know that the only other thing you drink are those strawberry Frappuccino with the fucking five-inch-tall whipped-cream topping.”

Tsukishima blinked at him through his glasses, and for a second Yamaguchi had absolutely no idea what was running through his mind.

Tsukishima smirked. “Well, fuck.” Crossing his arms, he leaned back in his chair. “I guess you’re right, but damn. Slow the breaks down, Yamaguchi. Before you overtake me and my flawlessly crude clap-backs.”

Yamaguchi wasn’t sure if that was a joke, or a compliment, but he took it.

The only thing stopping him from bursting out into laughter was the knowledge that he’d most definitely get kicked out of the library if he did.

He slapped Tsukishima’s shoulder playfully. “That’s right. I’m amazing.” He impishly tucked his hair behind his ear. “I’m glad to finally be getting the recognition I deserve.” Blowing a kiss to his imaginary fans, Yamaguchi watched Tsukishima shake his head, sighing in disappointment, though the diminutive smile still resided on his lips.

“I’m gonna try to find the physics book we need.” Yamaguchi recapped his pen, rising from his chair.

“I’ll come,” Tsukishima said.

The library was somewhat confusing with their labels and directions, but with the help of a staff member (which Tsukishima found to be so awkward even though the lady was incredibly nice), they were able to find the bookshelf they were looking for.

It wasn’t a large section, books about astronomy taking up the majority part.

There was only one other person in this section, a girl searching through the astrophysics books. Her lengthy, dark, hair fell over her shoulders, her fringe cut just short enough not to fall into her eyes. Judging from her facial features, Yamaguchi wouldn’t be surprised if she weren’t too much younger than himself.

Yamaguchi waited for her to finish her business, watching as she reached for one of the higher shelves

-she wasn’t tall enough to reach her book.

Towering over her, Tsukishima stretched his arm over her head to grab a book. “Is this what you want?” he asked the stranger.

Taking a step away from Tsukishima, the girl nodded silently, taking the book, and thanking him in such a quiet voice it almost went unnoticed, and Tsukishima chuckled, his eyes on her as she stumbled away.

Watching the scenario, Yamaguchi was close to certain he saw a faint blush on her cheeks as she brushed past him.

A familiar sensation tickled his chest, and Yamaguchi tried to swallow the feeling away.

He frowned, there weren’t any signs that he was going to have another coughing fit, but the strange tightness in his chest just wouldn’t leave.

Fortunately, it wasn’t more than a mild tautness, so he ignored it, walking to Tsukishima.

“Found it,” Tsukishima said, pulling a book out from the shelf. “Is this the one?”

Yamaguchi recognised the book as the one their professor insisted they read. “Yep, that’s the one.”

Tsukishima groaned, exhaling deeply as he glared at the ceiling. “Yamaguchi, let’s drop out.”

“Eh?”

Yamaguchi held each of Tsukishima’s shoulders, steering him back to their table. “I think the fuck not. I don’t know about you, but I plan to have a long life and I sure as hell can’t do that if my parents murder me for dropping out”

Yamaguchi wasn’t sure if the sound that came out of Tsukishima’s mouth was a whine, or a laugh, and Tsukishima mumbled something out of Yamaguchi’s hearing range.

“Mind repeating that?” Yamaguchi raised his tone. He heard Tsukishima click his tongue, mumbling a quiet ‘no thanks’.

Deep down, Yamaguchi liked when Tsukishima was like this.

Mind you, Tsukishima wasn’t like this often, but ever so rarely, he’d so get bored out of his mind to the point where he no longer cared how silly he appeared to Yamaguchi.

Everyone was used to seeing Tsukishima so composed and undisturbed by anything whatsoever, it never crossed their minds that there were times he wasn’t like that.

Halting once they reached their table, Tsukishima shrugged Yamaguchi’s hands off his shoulders, sitting back down on his chair, and Yamaguchi settled on his own chair, annoyed that his seat was now cold.

Setting the pen on his paper to take notes from the book, Yamaguchi found that the words went in and out of his head. Reading the same sentence over and over, he just couldn’t process the words.

Yamaguchi glanced over to Tsukishima beside him, he was reading his passage as normal, turning the page with one hand, and twirling his pen with the other.

His eyes flitted to the table opposite them, and he made eye contact with the blushing astrophysics-girl before she rapidly looked back down at her book.

Yamaguchi would be lying if he said he didn’t think the girl was initially looking this way for Tsukishima.

He sighed.

Closing his book, Yamaguchi crossed his arms on the table and lay his head on them. He watched Tsukishima read the book in front of him, sometimes pausing to take notes.

Yamaguchi closed his eyes- he was going to take a small break.

Just a small one…

…“Yamaguchi… Yamaguchi?”

Cracking his eyes open, he came to find Tsukishima’s face all up in hiss space. Yamaguchi shut his eyes again.

_He was awake, right?_

“…Yamaguchi? Wake up.”

As Tsukishima began shaking his shoulder gently, Yamaguchi re-opened his eyes, staring at Tsukishima’s close-up face.

_He was very awake, alright._

“Go home and sleep there.”

Yamaguchi lifted his head and sat up, craning his neck to rub the sore spots. Looking around, he remembered that’d he had decided to take a small nap at the library.

“What time is it?” His voice rasped.

Tsukishima turned his arm to look at his watch. “It’s four thirty.”

_No fucking way._

Yamaguchi blinked. He had slept for two hours straight.

Scanning the library, most people had left, and the place wasn’t as crowded or noisy anymore, the evening light shining in through the windows to create a tranquil atmosphere.

Kind of like those aesthetically pleasing libraries that are described all the time, but everyone knows they doesn’t really exist in real life.

He looked back up when he heard Tsukishima muffle a snicker. “Yamaguchi, your hair is a little-” He pointed to Yamaguchi’s head, and Yamaguchi self-consciously brought a hand to smooth down his hair.

Tsukishima shook his head. “No, not there.” He pointed closer. “It’s further up, that piece.”

Yamaguchi had no idea where Tsukishima was pointing. Hadn’t he just fixed the hair on that side?

Tsukishima leaned closer, placing a hand on his head to fix his hair-

-or that’s what Yamaguchi thought until Tsukishima furiously shook his hand, messing up Yamaguchi’s hair.

Yamaguchi jumped back, running from Tsukishima’s grasp, and Tsukishima laughed at the look on his face.

As much as he tried to keep the frown, Yamaguchi couldn’t help himself, and settled it had been just a _little_ funny, a smile playing on his lips.

Tsukishima was quick to straighten up, ushering Yamaguchi to go home and sleep there, and if Yamaguchi had more energy to argue otherwise, he would have been so quick to do so.

Considering he had done most his work, Yamaguchi figured it wouldn’t hurt to go home and catch up on some sleep.

“What time are you leaving?”

Glancing at his books, Tsukishima waved his hand in dismissal. “I’m going soon too. Maybe another half an hour or so.”

“‘Soon’ he says,” Yamaguchi mumbled.

Tsukishima seemed to have caught what he said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t worry about me. If I die from excessive studying, at least I’ll be able to miss out on those exams.”

Mildly offended, Yamaguchi smacked his friend’s arm. “Don’t say stuff like that! There’s no way you can die. It would be so unfair if you get to miss out on the exams just because you’re dead, and I still have to complete them.”

Amused, Tsukishima raised an eyebrow.

Yamaguchi kept his face straight. “So you better not die. Is that clear?”

“Crystal clear.”

Patting Tsukishima’s arm in a friendly manner, Yamaguchi gathered up his equipment, narrowing his eyes at Tsukishima as he headed out. “All eyes are on you. Don’t die.”

He finally smiled. “Bye-bye.”

Tsukishima ran a hand down his face weakly. “Goodbye Yamaguchi.”

* * *

Shuddering as the wind blew past him, Yamaguchi craned his neck and looked up at the night sky.

It looked pretty cool from this view and even though every star looked pretty much the same to him, he kept an eye out to look for any stars that looked somewhat special.

The moon he could identify… he could hardly spot it _which meant_ it was a new moon.

Feeling to some extent proud of himself, Yamaguchi pulled out his phone.

_**Yamaguchi-** you awake?_

Yamaguchi waited for a bit, not seriously expecting a reply, so his eyes lit up when he was proven wrong.

_**Tsukishima-** go. to. sleep._

Yamaguchi swung his legs ecstatically as he typed his reply.

_**Yamaguchi-** i. can’t._

_**Tsukishima-** idk read a book or something_

_**Yamaguchi-** already tried_

_**Tsukishima-** music_

_**Yamaguchi-** doesn’t help_

_**Yamaguchi-** can i come over?_

There was a brief pause before Tsukishima’s next reply came.

_**Tsukishima-** no_

_**Tsukishima-** go to sleep_

Smile devilishly, Yamaguchi typed out a response.

_**Yamaguchi-** no._

_**Yamaguchi-** too bad_

Just imagining Tsukishima’s reaction was hilarious enough.

_**Yamaguchi-** check your window_

Yamaguchi heard a loud thump nearby, slapping a hand to his surprised (laughing) mouth.

_**Tsukishima-** don’t tell me you’re_

_**Tsukishima-** ARE YJU OUTSIDW_

_**Yamaguchi-** i don’t know, am i?_

_**Yamaguchi-** check for yourself_

_**Tsukishima-** YSMAGUCJI WHAT TJE FUCK_

_**Tsukishima-** ITS DSNGEROYS_

_**Tsukishima-** WGAT ARE YOY DOINF HERE_

_**Yamaguchi-** yes, it is dangerous_

_**Yamaguchi-** thank you for noticing_

_**Yamaguchi** \- SP HURRY UP SND OPWN THE WIMDOW SO I CSN GET IN_

Yamaguchi was sitting balanced atop a two-storey tree that leaned towards Tsukishima’s bedroom window.

But it was all okay, he had done this plenty of times before _… years ago_. He had gained a few kilos since then, along with the understanding of the ten different ways he could fall off this branch and die.

Pocketing his phone when he heard shuffling at the window, Yamaguchi prayed he hadn’t grown overmuch to be unable to fit through the window.

The window hinged open and Tsukishima’s head stuck out. Without giving time for Yamaguchi to even get a word in, Tsukishima chewed him off.

_It’s late._

_What are you doing here?_

_That’s dangerous._

_You could have gotten hurt._

_Aren’t you cold?_

_Hold onto the fucking tree properly._

“Just let me in before I fall to my fucking death.”

Abiding, Tsukishima moved out of the way, giving room for Yamaguchi to climb in.

Yamaguchi sucked in a long breath, creeping further down the branch. “If I die tell my parents I love them.”

“No.”

Yamaguchi looked up, only barely being able to make out Tsukishima in the darkness of his room.

“You’re not dying. You need to suffer with me on those exams, remember? No dying before that.”

Yamaguchi smiled. “Well you’ve got a point there.”

Luckily, Tsukishima had one of those windows that opened outwards like real doors. Yamaguchi inched closer, reaching for the frame. He leapt at the window, plummeting through the gap.

Yamaguchi tumbled onto the floor clumsily before he regained grace. He hopped up, dusting himself. “Hey Tsukki! I survived!!”

Unamused, Tsukishima crossed his arms. “You could’ve gotten seriously injured.”

“Right you are! But I didn’t.”

“What are you even doing here?”

These were the exact same questions he just interrogated him about. Yamaguchi crossed his own arms, replicating Tsukishima’s stance. “I thought we just had a whole-ass conversation about that.”

Tsukishima clicked his tongue, leaving the banter as is, and walking over to close the window.

“Wait,” Yamaguchi exclaimed.

It felt like it was already winter this morning, but later on in the day it became somewhat warmer. Since the weather was only going to get colder after this, they should make the most of it while it lasted. “Leave it open.”

Tsukishima didn’t question it, retracting his arm.

Yamaguchi walked over, standing beside his friend to enjoy the nice wind. It was a cool wind, but it felt nice, especially in the warm room.

They both stood at the window, appreciating the way everything seemed placidly surreal at this time of night. 

Despite the lack of moonlight, the night was brighter than the inside of Tsukishima’s room and its light imperceptibly shone on their faces.

From his peripheral vision, Yamaguchi could barely distinguish Tsukishima’s face. He looked altogether sleepy and for a prolonged second Yamaguchi felt sorry for waking him up.

- _for a second._

Because one second later, Tsukishima turned around and socked him on the head with his hand.

Yamaguchi winced, bringing a hand to rub the sore spot on his head. “What was that for?” he bleated.

“That,” Tsukishima said, “was for waking me up in the middle of the night and practically giving me a heart attack when you almost died.”

“I didn’t almost die!” Yamaguchi placed his hands on his hips, grinning. ‘Have some faith in my climbing skills. We’ve done that so many times, I’m basically a pro at climbing trees and jumping in through windows!”

Yamaguchi’s eyes followed as Tsukishima tongue ran over his chapped lips. “Last time we did that was back in middle school when we were both stupid and had no concern for our lives.”

Yamaguchi didn’t deny that-

He could not remember once worrying about falling off the tree and cracking his skull open when they used to climb in and out of Tsukishima’s room. The one and only thing he remembered was the thrill of sneaking around with Tsukishima.

A fiery glimmer dancing in his eyes, Yamaguchi yawned. “Oh well.”

He ambled to Tsukishima’s bed and fell onto his back. There was no way he could fall face-first onto the bed like he did on his own bed. He’d probably pass out from TSO (Tsukishima-scent-overload).

So when Tsukishima collapsed onto Yamaguchi, chests pressed together, and Tsukishima’s head right beside his own, Yamaguchi _did_ die from TSO.

He resurrected immediately- only to stress that it probably wasn’t just Tsukishima’s scent, but the fact that _their entire fucking bodies were against each other’s._

His heart was pounding hard against his chest and he felt sick. But Yamaguchi had a growing suspicion that if he threw up right now, he’d vomit out rainbows and glitter and all that shit.

So instead, the boy stayed still, not wanting to disturb Tsukishima,

Tsukishima on the other hand, seemed to either not care about, or not notice the way Yamaguchi was all tensed up, making himself right at home. _On Yamaguchi._

Then again, Yamaguchi realised, it had been him who barged into Tsukishima’s home in the middle of the night without an appropriate notice beforehand.

But he hadn’t expected to be… _in this situation._

Yamaguchi could feel Tsukishima’s steady breathing, his chest expanding and contracting against Yamaguchi’s.

Yamaguchi’s vision swarmed in the darkness as his mind trailed down a particular path.

Should he… confess now?

It was the perfect time to make a move.

No.

Not now.

Yamaguchi didn’t want to destroy this perfect moment. They were both exhausted and it could end terribly. Yamaguchi didn’t want that.

…but it could also end exceedingly well.

Fuck it.

Yamaguchi could at least test his luck.

“…Tsukki get up I want to tell you something.”

Yamaguchi bit his tongue to stop himself from backing out. He had started this, and he was going to finish it.

“Tsukki?”

Turning his head to face the boy, Yamaguchi found nothing but Tsukishima’s limp weight.

_He’s already asleep._

Yamaguchi didn’t think he should be as elated as he was to have his confession plans ruined but he couldn’t help it.

There weren’t flowers blocking his airway, nor roots digging into his chest, or petals climbing up his throat.

The only thing Yamaguchi felt at that moment was the pure contentment which filled his entire body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!! Lmk if you have any thoughts  
> Hiroko is just a random name I gave him after I searched for his name but didn't find one (he's the kid with the striped shirt during the bullying scene)  
> I also hope ya'll could decipher their gibberish when they were texting -((・▽・))- (I may or may not text exactly like that)  
> Thank you for reading!!


	15. The Perfect Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi- maybe even force you to watch a few episodes of Glitter Force before I kill you~
> 
> Tsukishima- YAMAGUCHI NO 
> 
> Tsukishima- ANYTHING BUT THAT SHIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys no shade to Glitter Force. that's Tsukishima talking, not me-

_Yamaguchi twirled the pen in his hand off instinct until it distracted him._

_It was the same one Tsukishima had bought for his birthday a few weeks ago. It would be considered a big, fat, lie if he said he wasn’t overly fond of it. He didn’t use the pen much, if not at all, but what he did do was spent an unhealthy amount of time staring at it, lost in though._

_The flower balancing at the top of the pen looked too fragile for his taste, but maybe that’s what made him all the more fond of it. It initially didn’t do more than serve as a reminder of his disease, but over time Yamaguchi came to find himself smiling softly whenever he looked at it._

_Maybe that wasn’t such a bad sign._

_Yamaguchi steadied the pen in his hand and brought it back down to the book._

_7th of December 20xx_

_I know there’s only a few months before graduation, so I can’t afford to destroy everything, but I’m really confident about this. I’m going to meet Tsukki at the park, and I decided that the best choice is to just confess then, and there. No more waiting._

**Yamaguchi** \- Tsukki

 **Yamaguchi** \- Tsukki

 **Yamaguchi** \- Tsukki

 **Yamaguchi** \- Tsukki

** Tsukishima ** \- what do you want Yamaguchi

**Yamaguchi** \- If I ever sent you my location

 **Yamaguchi** \- no context

 **Yamaguchi** \- would you come?

** Tsukishima ** \- no

**Yamaguchi** \- ljdkljdLJFLDJLKJ

 **Yamaguchi** \- WHYYYY

 **Yamaguchi** \- WHST IF I WAS IN DSNGER AND YOU WWRE MY OMLY HELP

** Tsukishima ** \- um no fucking way. What if you cold-bloodedly killed me, then and there, stuffed my dead body with soggy fries, and dumped me into the nearest river

**Yamaguchi** \- I-

 **Yamaguchi** \- aH

 **Yamaguchi** \- I’m offended. Is that how low you think of me?

 **Yamaguchi** \- I’d obviously bring Hinata and Kageyama along to help me hide the evidence

** Tsukishima ** \- …

** Tsukishima ** \- you wouldn’t

**Yamaguchi** \- maybe even force you to watch a few episodes of Glitter Force before I kill you~

** Tsukishima ** \- YAMAGUCHI NO 

**Tsukishima** \- ANYTHING BUT THAT SHIT

**Yamaguchi** \- case. fucking. closed

** Tsukishima ** \- fool. You think you can murder me and get away with it, with the help of those two idiots? I can literally step on that shrimp, and one blow to the Kings ego and he’s out

**Yamaguchi** \- what about me? You’re underestimating me, aren’t you

** Tsukishima ** \- oh

**Yamaguchi** \- that’s right. “oh.”

 **Yamaguchi** \- watch me serve a ball right into your head and knock you into the river with the first try

** Tsukishima ** \- I DARE you to even try

** Tsukishima ** \- you’re forgetting that I’m literally a six-foot blocker

**Yamaguchi** \- fuck

** Tsukishima ** \- _‘case. fucking. closed.’_

**Yamaguchi** \- I guess I’ll just wait a few more years till you get old and rusty ;p

** Tsukishima ** \- you do realise that you’ll be getting ‘old and rusty’ with me

**Yamaguchi** \- never

 **Yamaguchi** \- I’m never getting old and rusty. I will remain young and free forever -unlike you- :DD

** Tsukishima ** \- shut up

**Yamaguchi** \- make me <<3

** Tsukishima ** \- sure

** Tsukishima ** \- meet me at the park?

**Yamaguchi** \- bet

Rolling around on his bed, Yamaguchi knew his face was flushed with red but there was no shaking off what he felt right now.

His body was brimming with exhilaration and Yamaguchi felt ready to win seven straight sets.

No, that wasn’t an accurate representation of how he felt.

Honestly, he didn’t think it was possible to describe how exactly he felt but if he tried, he’d probably say it felt like a puzzle.

An exceptionally difficult puzzle that he had been working on for a while now. At times, it made him feel incompetent and hopeless, like it was impossible, like he should give up already, and knowing himself Yamaguchi was surprised he hadn’t just given up.

He wondered why that was so. Was there a reason he hadn’t given up?

The obvious answer would be because there was a fatal disease shadowing his every emotion. But was that really it?

Wasn’t it Tsukishima who helped him achieve this confidence - who gave Yamaguchi the reassurance when he needed it most?

In any case, it was because Yamaguchi hadn’t given up that he was at this stage. Where the final pieces started to fit, and he could see it all coming together, and maybe, _just maybe_ it wasn’t as impossible as he used to think it was.

Staring at the ceiling on his bed, Yamaguchi grinned. His parents would definitely ask questions if they walked in on him and this stupidly saccharine smile, but he didn’t care.

Humming a small melody Yamaguchi sat up to get ready. Though his heart felt warm enough for five people, Yamaguchi made sure to wear a warm jumper, noting the ongoing snow fall outside his window.

* * *

The snow wasn’t heavy, but Yamaguchi could argue that the weather was cold enough to make human popsicles. It fell in small flakes, slowly but surely painting the ground white.

The entire park was already covered in a thick layer of snow which was expected at this time of year. The trees hung mostly bare and icy, the few toughest red leaves yet to fall soon. The sky itself was drearier than Yamaguchi remembered, shades of blue and grey mixed to create the cloud-filled sky. There wasn’t much wind, but the rare times it blew, it made sure to feel like it was tearing at their exposed skin.

“Yamaguchi, are you sure you aren’t cold?”

Yamaguchi, who had reminded himself to wear a warm jacket, had forgotten his scarf and gloves. He kicked the ground softly, swaying the swing he sat on. “Yep, the cold doesn’t affect me. I’m just built different.” He swung higher, bringing a hand up to flick his hair smugly.

It failed.

He wobbled on the swing unstably for a beat, before gripping the rope of the swing abrasively, and regaining his balance.

Sitting on the swing beside him, Tsukishima laughed. His own feet were loosely planted on the ground, the swing from gently rocking back and forth as a gust of wind blew.

Tsukishima was smirking, and he clicked his tongue.

Frowning, Yamaguchi replanted his feet on the ground to steady the swing and he narrowed his eyes at his friend. “What are you laughing at?”

Tsukishima looked away, disguising his laugh as a cough into his glove. “I’m not laughing, Yama.”

Yamaguchi could swear his heart skipped a beat and prayed his emotions weren’t showing on his face. Although he too felt a smile creeping onto his face, he whined, “Tsukki!! Don’t be a fucking bully and just tell me.”

Tsukishima didn’t say anything. Instead, he turned to Yamaguchi and leaned towards him, still seated on the swing.

If Yamaguchi could manipulate time, he would have gone back ten seconds to mentally prepare himself for this, because _oh boy_ was his heart ready to jump out.

Yamaguchi swallowed as Tsukishima brought a hand to his head, gently running his hand down through his hair.

Yamaguchi would be broke if he paid a dollar for every time he guessed what the absolute fuck Tsukishima was doing right now, but that wouldn’t ever happen, because he was too busy _trying not to faint._

From this distance, Yamaguchi could feel Tsukishima’s steamy breath on his own cold face, and he most definitely could _not_ precisely recognise that it smelt like Tsukishima’s favourite strawberry Frappuccino drink.

Yamaguchi also did not calculate that if he moved a few inches further, he could close the gap between their mouths.

_Nope._

He absolutely _did not_ do that.

Tsukishima pulled back casually and brought the same hand to Yamaguchi’s face. Unclenching, Yamaguchi found himself staring at the tiny red leaf on Tsukishima’s palm.

_Oh._

“You had a leaf in your hair.” Tsukishima blew on the leaf, and it sailed straight into Yamaguchi’s face. Yamaguchi jerked back sneezing the leaf away. Pouting, Yamaguchi watched his friend laugh at him before he couldn’t help himself, and he joined the laughter.

Their voices echoed through the snow-covered empty park until it died down, and they sat in silence.

It wasn’t an uneasy silence- well at least not for Tsukishima, who was busy running his thoughts, staring at his shoes. Yamaguchi still wasn’t sure why Tsukishima had called him out to the freezing cold park at this time of evening, but it worked for him. He squirmed under the echoes of a chant growing in his mind.

_Now._

Yamaguchi knew it might have just been because of the tranquillity moment, but he didn’t want it to end because if any moment was perfect for it, it was now.

Clasping his freezing hands together Yamaguchi cleared his throat. There probably was no keeping the anxiousness from his voice, or even from his appearance -sitting unnaturally straight, fingers fiddling with each other, and altogether not meeting Tsukishima’s gaze when he turned to look at Yamaguchi again.

“Hm?”

“Tsukki I think…” His voice came out as a whisper, so taking a deep breath Yamaguchi calmed his nerves. Tsukishima was still waiting and this time, Yamaguchi locked eye contact with him. “Tsukki, I like-”

“Hey!!!”

As if on cue, a voice called out from not too far away.

Tripping over his own words, Yamaguchi directed his eyes to the voice.

He recognised the face of the person running towards them, but just couldn’t place his finger on who exactly she was.

Long, obscure, hair that was tied out of her face with a gold ribbon flapping in the wind. The smile on her face was so wide, Yamaguchi didn’t know faces were even physically capable of that until now. Her complexion was clear, cheeks and nose tinted pink from the icy wind. She wasn’t too tall, but she wasn’t lean either, her body quite developed… especially in her female attributes.

She waved at him.

Yamaguchi sat there in confusion, contemplating if he should wave back even though he didn’t remember her. It would be polite to do so-

-except it really wouldn’t be polite to do so because she wasn’t waving at him.

She was waving at Tsukishima, who was waving back.

Yamaguchi instinctively took a tense breath. Did they know each other? He didn’t recognise her from school, unless…

Yamaguchi took a good look at the girl and it finally hit him.

_The girl from the library._

“Sorry- I’m late,” she huffed, completely out of breath.

Yamaguchi kept his gaze at his feet, or more precisely, he couldn’t bring himself to meet her eyes. Not when he had a feeling that he knew exactly where this was going. The unpleasant feeling tumbled around in his gut and it made him feel sick.

Tsukishima stood up, and Yamaguchi followed, watching him be pulled into a tight hug, the girl giggling as Tsukishima rolled his eyes - he rolled his eyes, but his red dusted cheeks betrayed him.

No.

That wasn’t right.

Should that be Yamaguchi hugging him?

It had always been him.

So why is the person who was hugging Tsukishima right now anybody but him?

Yamaguchi blinked, trying to swallow the tight feeling in his throat away.

Tsukishima pulled away from her swiftly, but Yamaguchi’s eyes didn’t leave sight of the way their hands were entwined.

Yamaguchi only now realised how coarsely he was breathing, but the more air he took in, trying to replenish the oxygen he needed, he only seemed to need more.

Tsukishima cleared his throat, streaking red as he looked anywhere but at the girl beside him. “This is what I wanted to tell you about today, Yamaguchi.”

He knew it was coming. Yamaguchi could feel it creeping upon him, yet he yearned to be wrong. After all, why did it have to happen after everything? After Yamaguchi spent months - _years_ \- working up to this stage.

“Meet my girlfriend.”

For the first time, Yamaguchi lifted his gaze, at last meeting her gaze; she smiled.

Yamaguchi realised he was supposed to give some type of response, but even though he could he feel his insides being torn apart, he couldn’t muster up a reaction.

_Smile._

_SMILE._

Yamaguchi needed to smile, he needed to be happy for Tsukishima’s sake but the only thing that left his mouth was a small ‘oh’.

Tsukishima looked so happy, and Yamaguchi knew the smile on his face wasn’t directed at him, but even so, he wanted this smile to never leave Tsukishima’s face.

He could feel his chest becoming clogged ever so rapidly, and it took his utmost effort to choke the tears back. with everything happening so suddenly, Yamaguchi almost forgot that the flowers could out him in no time.

“I’ll leave you two to hang out, catch you later.” Doing his best to act nonchalant, Yamaguchi took off, not giving Tsukishima any time to oppose.

He knew his departure was too sudden to not be suspicious, and it was both unfair and rude to them, but what else was he supposed to do? Congratulate them and give time for the flowers to make their way up his throat?

His short, unsteady, breaths grew louder and his strides even longer. When he turned the corner of the street, finally sure he couldn’t be seen by the two, Yamaguchi broke out into a sprint.

His vision began blurring with tears he could no longer hold back so he set them free, feeling the large, hot, tears spilling down his cheeks and running down his neck.

_This is a dream, right?_

This was all just a horrible nightmare. He was going to wake up, and none of this was going to exist.

This was just his mind playing cruel tricks on him again.

_Right?_

But the unbearable ache in his heart was too painful to just be a dream.

What’s all the worse was that the pain wasn’t just in his heart but in his chest too, stabbing at his lungs.

Yamaguchi could feel the flower roots digging themselves into him, blooming bigger and bigger until he started to choke.

And when he could no longer go on, Yamaguchi stopped running to cough the petals out.

He sank to the ground.

It hurt. With every cough he could not only feel his airway being scratched at, but he could also feel his heart being broken to bits.

He closed his eyes, only causing the tears to sting at his eyelids, pushing their way out.

He couldn’t breathe.

No matter how much he coughed, no matter how many petals fell onto his lap, no matter how much he tried to rid himself of the revolting yellow petals, they only seemed to multiply.

Watching the pile of petals steadily grow in front of him, Yamaguchi came to the realisation that he was now coughing out large and fully formed.

He was a fucking fool to not see this coming.

This was the last thing he expected -he thought-

He thought he had a chance. Yamaguchi truly believed he was capable of getting Tsukishima to like him back.

He was imprudent. He was so fucking stupid.

Why would Tsukishima like Yamaguchi when he could have a girlfriend instead. She could give him so much more than Yamaguchi ever could. Yamaguchi wasn’t a girl. Yamaguchi couldn’t make him happy. Yamaguchi was just a friend.

Yamaguchi hadn’t ever been seen as anything more than a friend in Tsukishima’s eyes.

Crying and coughing at the same time wasn’t easy but he couldn’t simply stop. Yamaguchi hated how much a fool he felt like, he hated how _betrayed_ he felt. Because it wasn’t like Tsukishima belonged to him. Tsukishima wasn’t _ever_ his, so why did he bother trying?

Yamaguchi hadn’t ever been a loud crier.

He despised the way people took advantage of him after seeing him break down so easily, or the way they changed their attitude towards him after deciding he was just a weak, helpless, boy. So he quickly learnt how to keep his sobbing to himself, the only sound ever escaping were the soft sniffles of his runny nose.

This was the first time in years Yamaguchi cried out loud, letting his wails echo through the dark, deserted, streets.

It wasn’t like there was anyone these to see him, anyway- not that he cared any longer.

Yamaguchi felt the build-up in his airway begin to disperse, perturbingly coughing out the final flowers. His entire body felt weak, like his entire life force had been sucked out of him; he couldn’t even find the energy to wipe his tear stained face, letting the frozen air slice at it. He took a shaky breath and stared at the mound of flowers on his lap and around him. 

They were stained with red.

It wasn’t until now, looking at the yellow blood-streaked flowers that he noticed the metallic taste in his mouth

Fuck.

No-

-no. no. no.

Yamaguchi’s heavy, ragged, breathing grew loud once more.

How was it possible for it to have advanced so greatly in just a few months?

Had all the time he spent building up to now all for this?

All for nothing?

Yamaguchi dug his face into his hands, trying to sink deeper and deeper away from the suffocating tightness.

“Yamaguchi-kun?!”

Snapping his head up, Yamaguchi was stunned to find Yachi standing above him.

On the verge of tears, Yachi gawked at his condition. It made Yamaguchi realise just how entirely pathetic he probably looked.

What he hadn’t anticipated was her kneeling down to pull him into a hug, crushing his fragile body under the pressure.

Yamaguchi felt constricted and all the more confused.

_Why wasn’t she saying anything._

He struggled under her hold, trying to create distance from the touch that felt all too wrong. Unwavering, Yachi only squeezed him tighter, refusing to let go and after more futile struggling Yamaguchi gave up, allowing himself to melt under the contact his body visibly yearned for.

They sat there on the sidewalk for a while.

Yachi was doing her best to soothe him, gently caressing his hair and her arms still wrapped solicitously around him while Yamaguchi wept silently into her shoulder. And unsurprisingly, it worked because after a while Yamaguchi wasn’t trembling anymore, and his eyes had long run dry, his shaky breaths breaking the silence between them.

Once Yachi was sure that Yamaguchi had calmed down she pulled away. Taking Yamaguchi’s hand in her own warm hands, she surveyed the blood-splattered golden flowers and sighed weakly.

“It’s Tsukishima-kun, isn’t it?”

His eyes widened as big as saucepans and Yamaguchi was ready to deny, but under her resolute gaze, he couldn’t do more than admit defeat. There was no use in trying to hide anything at this point.

“…yeah.” Yamaguchi looked down at his hands being held by Yachi’s smaller ones; he was grateful for it. “It’s him.”

“You need to confess.”

At these words Yamaguchi felt his entire body stiffen and he knew Yachi felt it too.

“Please,” she pleaded, her tone becoming more anxious by the second. “Tsuk- a friend of mine ended up going to hospital because they left it alone for too long. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

Yachi had a forlorn expression -almost desperate- and as much as Yamaguchi wanted to tell her something that would cease her worrying, he knew she’d find out sooner or later.

“I was just with… with _him_. In fact, I planned to confess today.”

Yamaguchi watched as Yachi’s face fell, expression turning dark. “…did he say no?”

He slowly shook his head and Yachi was left staring at him in utter confusion. Yamaguchi took in a shaky breath.

“He introduced me to his girlfriend.”

Features twisting from surprise, Yachi gasped softly before drowning him with another hug. Yamaguchi automatically held her tightly, squeezing his eyes as hard as he could but it didn’t stop the tears from forcing their way out and down his face again.

Words would not describe how incredibly grateful he was for Yachi. She didn’t lie to him. She didn’t say that everything was going to be okay and all that shit. She didn’t tell him lies just to make him feel better.

Instead, she provided a shoulder to cry on, and the comfort he needed, allowing him to let out the raw emotions that filled every ounce of him at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm speechless but I feel like the chapter speaks for itself (and so do all those angst tags)  
> Just in case the chapter title might be (definitely is) a bit (completely) misleading, I'll clarify this isn't the ending. I've still got a few more chapters to write.  
> Take that information as you will


	16. The More They Bloom, The Deeper They Dig, The Harder I Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sun had long set but the festival was shining brighter than before, lit up with lanterns and lights of all colours and sizes. The streets were significantly more crowded with people and stalls, and the smell of food was everywhere – one food’s scent covering their seven-meter radius before the next smell filled the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lack of motivation for anything and my incredibly short attention span are both super irritating but I'M BACK!! ...one month later, BUT I'M BACK WITH THE SECOND LAST CHAPTER!! LET'S DO THIS

_­1 st of January 20xx_

_It’s getting worse._

_I can’t hate her. I hate that I’m not the person who brings the brightest smiles to his face, but I can’t bring myself to hate her. After all, what’s her fault in this other than being the person he chose?_

_In fact, deep down, I’m glad he’s found someone who brings him happiness._

_However, if possible, I like him more now than when I first realised my feelings. I like him so, so, much and that’s precisely why I can’t do anything. I can’t take that happiness away. I can’t do that to him._

_I’ll be fine._

In all honesty, Yamaguchi wouldn’t have minded if he missed the New Year’s festival. It wasn’t like it would’ve made a difference if he didn’t attend it, after all it was the same thing every year and this year wasn’t going to be any different. Moreover, Yamaguchi already felt a cold coming on and going out in the downpour of snow was sure to grant him that cold.

However, it was difficult to get out of going, elaborately because of the sheer amount of times Yachi asked him to come along until he gave in.

Apparently, she didn’t want him to _‘spend New Year’s all alone at home’_ since his parents were away – _once again._

Even his excuse of the weather being cold enough to turn them all into life-sized human popsicles that were sure to stay as frozen statues for the next two months of winter an then _another_ additional month because the weather was unreasonably cold, didn’t work.

Well, maybe it was obvious that his illusory situation was somewhat unlikely to actually happen, but it was true that the weather was excessively cold with it being the middle of winter.

That being said, Yamaguchi turned up at their meeting place (hopefully not too late) and immediately spotted his friend. Yachi, who was clearly deep into a conversation, didn’t notice Yamaguchi until he was right behind her.

“Boo.”

Jumping into the arms of the girl in front, Yachi did well at keeping her scream silent. “Holy shi- Yamaguchi-kun! You scared the life out of me,” she panted.

Yamaguchi eyed the way Yachi was still grasping her friend’s hand, and Yachi was quick to notice and let go just as fast.

Yamaguchi felt a small smirk playing on his lips. “Care to introduce me to your _friend_?”

“Yeah. Of course.” Yachi cleared her throat. “Yamaguchi, this is Takahashi Emi. Emi-chan, this is the friend I told you about, Yamaguchi Tadashi.”

“So, you’ve talked about me, huh. Good things, I hope. Nice to finally meet you, Takahashi,” he said, reaching out to shake her hand.

“Just ‘Emi’ is fine – and dude, she told me _all_ about you, don’t you worry.” She matched his grin, returning the handshake firmly. “About how you’re a little devil under that charming smile and angelic looks of yours.”

Yamaguchi’s eyebrows flew up and he gave Yachi a look.

Yachi just smiled, twirling her hair around her index finger innocently. Apparently, _he_ was the devil, but this situation proved precisely who the real devil in disguise was.

All things considered, Yamaguchi was glad that Emi was just as cool as Yachi had described her, and he was relieved Yachi had a friend like her.

Taking a closer look at her, Yamaguchi came to the realisation that she indeed looked quite similar to someone they already knew – mellifluous straight hair that was so dark it came across as blue, fair skin that was unquestionably ethereal-looking, a pair of large round glasses perched on her nose – the only thing missing was the beauty mark just below her mouth and she would look identical to their old manager, Kiyoko. Otherwise known as Yachi’s first high school crush.

Yamaguchi smirked. Yachi had a very distinct type for her ideal significant other.

She gave him a stare that definitely meant something along the lines of ‘ _speak one word of what you’re thinking right now and it’s off with your head._ ’

Lost in the current enjoyment, Yamaguchi forgot one small fact. They were expecting two more people.

“I hope we’re not too late.”

Yamaguchi spun around to face the newcomers and immediately felt his heart plummet. He automatically clenched his hands to keep himself from reacting rationally.

Yamaguchi pressed a smile, shoving his hands into the hoodie pocket to keep himself from fidgeting. “Hey guys.”

Yachi walked up and hugged both Tsukishima and his girlfriend. She introduced Emi to them, and Tsukishima threw a playful jab about Yachi’s attraction to the “tall, dark-haired ones”, earning himself a blow at the side.

“Kei-kun,” Tsukishima’s girlfriend called. “My hand is cold.”

Tsukishima smirked. “Okay? What am I supposed to do about that? You should’ve worn gloves when I told you to.”

She shoved at him. “Hold my hand, idiot.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes but complied without protest, lacing their fingers together.

Yamaguchi could feel the anxiety bubbling in his stomach. He adjusted his scarf, wrapping it tighter around his neck to keep the cold out.

He had barely talked to Tsukishima’s girlfriend, let alone been properly introduced to her. He could fool himself by thinking it was only because the Hanahaki prevented him from being around her for too long, but he knew it was also because of the concealed guilt of being so incredibly jealous of her.

Yamaguchi was ashamed of the jealousy he felt – so much so, it kept him from being able to face Tsukishima despite how much he ached to talk to him like he used to. To sense the solace Tsukishima used to provide him.

He wondered if Tsukishima had even noticed the lack of Yamaguchi’s presence these days. They hardly talked anymore, but it wouldn’t have come as much of a surprise to him if the presence of someone else, _someone he loved more_ , was enough for Tsukishima to forget about him.

Shit.

_Breathe._

In need of distraction, Yamaguchi’s hands fretfully located themselves to tie up his hair.

_Breathe._

He couldn’t risk thinking about things like this right now, but it was okay this time. Yachi was here this time.

Yachi appeared to have read his mind because on note she prompted an escape from the situation. “Guys let’s play that game! I’m going to win the biggest plush-” 

-Yachi didn’t win the biggest plush.

In fact, she missed all the cups she was meant to throw the balls into and ended up not winning anything. The small dolphin plush in her arms was the one Emi had won in her first attempt and presented to Yachi as a gift.

The sun had long set but the festival was shining brighter than before, lit up with lanterns and lights of all colours and sizes. The streets were significantly more crowded with people and stalls, and the smell of food was everywhere – one food’s scent covering their seven-meter radius before the next smell filled the air.

Surprisingly, the mixed smell of all these foods didn’t make Yamaguchi feel sick, but instead took his mind off the already present sick feeling in his stomach. His hands itched to bake or cook something. Anything that would distract him from the sight of Tsukishima and his girlfriend in his peripheral vision. “I’m hungry. I’m gonna go get some food.”

“Wait,” Emi called out. “I’m hungry too. I’m coming with you.”

“Why don’t we all go then?” Yachi offered.

They all agreed, and so they walked into the nearest restaurant.

It was small and not as popular so fortunately it wasn’t as crowded as everywhere else, and because of that they were able to find a table large enough for the five of them. Conveniently, it was also nice and warm in the restaurant compared to the freezing cold outside, the warmth blanketing them comfortably.

Not too long later a waiter approached them, asking for their orders and they all ordered something off the menu.

“Didn’t you say you were hungry? Are you sure you only want fries?” Tsukishima asked. Yamaguchi nodded in reply. “I’ll take the same in large too then.”

Having ordered, a quiet chatter arose between them, friendly banter going around.

“Are you sure you guys are _‘just friends’_?” Tsukishima sceptically eyed the two girls sitting across the table from him.

Yachi gasped not-so-quietly, turning about six shades of red darker.

Emi, beside her, just laughed pleasantly. “And what if we aren’t?”

Tsukishima’s eyebrows raised, and Yamaguchi felt his jaw fall open. He hadn’t anticipated for Yachi to have made a move so early. Honestly, Yamaguchi felt Yachi would’ve waited a couple of years, just to totally make sure her feelings were reciprocated.

Tsukishima’s girlfriend piped in. “Congrats! How long have you guys been dating?”

Emi nudged Yachi with her elbow. “How long has it been, babe?” Yachi was still frozen stiff and Emi laughed it off. “I think it’s been a month or so.” She sighed dramatically. “A whole month and she still hasn’t kissed me.”

Yamaguchi narrowed his eyes at his friend. “Yacchan.” His voice dripped with mocked sweetness. “Why don’t I have any knowledge of this? I sure hope you have a good reason to have kept this from your best friend for over a month.”

Emi threw her arm over Yachi’s shoulder and laughed playfully. “Just kidding.”

The four of them –including Yachi– all stared at her. “We’re not dating, just friends.”

At this moment, science was proven wrong because Yachi, who was believed to already be the deepest possible shade of red, turned three shades redder.

Tsukishima clicked his tongue. “That wasn’t funny.”

His girlfriend smirked slightly. “It was a little funny. Even Yachi-san looked somewhat convinced they were dating.”

Tsukishima just huffed, and she wrapped her arms around his waist. “You’re cute when you’re like this.”

Emi grimaced jestingly. “Eww, get a room.”

Yamaguchi ripped his eyes away from them, clenching his hands under the table. Yachi sent him a worried glance, but he tried to reassure her with an all too fragile smile. Yamaguchi didn’t need to worry her again.

That didn’t stop him from losing his appetite before the food even arrived.

When it did, Yamaguchi stared at his plate of fries. Without even looking up at his friends, Yamaguchi felt so out of place. He suddenly wished he were alone at home, where he didn’t need to put up such a depleting mask.

A chip was placed on his plate. Yamaguchi looked up.

“You still like the gross, soggy ones, right?”

Yamaguchi nodded and a familiar affectionate feeling waved over him. Yamaguchi had thought he’d lost his appetite, but he could make an exception.

* * *

It was colder outside now but fortunately it wasn’t snowing. The night sky wasn’t as clear as earlier, in fact it was so cloudy that it seemed like all the stars had been stolen from the sky.

The streets –if possible– were even more crowded than before, presumably because this area was a popular place for the New Year’s festival, and all the more, it was one of the best places to watch the fireworks.

There was still a good while until midnight though, so they still had over an hour to kill.

Yamaguchi stared at the river from of one of the very few vacant benches he’d found. He shuddered as the wind blew, slicing the skin on his cheeks. He knew it was colder here because it was so close to the water, yet he didn’t feel close to inclined to move.

Once they left the restaurant Yachi and Emi left, saying something along the lines of _‘needing to find something’_. Left alone with Tsukishima and his girlfriend, Yamaguchi was almost glad when he lost them, praying that he’d be able to make it through the entire night without throwing up either flowers, or the food he had managed to down.

Yamaguchi was aware that when he thought about matters, he’d often overthink everything and end up scaring himself even if the matter weren’t so complicated in the first place. Because of this, he found himself trying to avoid being by himself or giving himself any sort of opportunity to spiral into overthinking.

Except lately he’d been spending more time by himself than he had for longer than he could remember.

The flowers came almost every time he saw Tsukishima with her _,_ and Yamaguchi didn’t want to bother Yachi more than he already had. He couldn’t risk Hinata, or Kageyama, or any other of his friends finding out or suspecting anything either, so there wasn’t much more of an option than being alone anyway.

Even so, Yamaguchi’s heart continued to beat for Tsukishima: even so, Yamaguchi still liked Tsukishima. The unrequited feelings were just a factor that was there from the beginning, so in that way not much had changed.

Stuck in his thoughts, Yamaguchi was slow to realise someone had taken a seat beside him.

Finally noticing, before Yamaguchi could turn his head, his eyes were covered with a hand.

He wasn’t given any time to panic because the person spoke.

“Guess who.”

Upon hearing the voice, Yamaguchi obviously knew who it was.

He froze.

Yamaguchi pulled away from the touch abruptly to find Tsukishima looking at him, evidently surprised at Yamaguchi’s unfamiliar reaction.

Shit.

He shouldn’t have done that. He fucked up.

He should’ve played along. That’s what he would normally have done. That’s what Tsukishima expected him to do.

Now he’d made this entire thing awkward for the both of them.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Yamaguchi.”

The spell bounding Yamaguchi to his thoughts was broken with Tsukishima’s crisp voice.

Tsukishima poked his forehead.

Yamaguchi frowned, hoping Tsukishima hadn’t noticed the way he faintly flinched at his touch again.

“Stop thinking too hard. You’ll send your only two brain cells into overdrive.

Yamaguchi gaped at him. “How rude. Especially coming from the person who lacks even _two_ brain cells.”

Against Yamaguchi’s expectation, Tsukishima laughed at the statement.

The sound that used to be one of the greatest comforts to him, was now breaking Yamaguchi’s heart as he listened to it.

He turned away.

“Yamaguchi.”

Tsukishima’s voice was stoic again.

Yamaguchi didn’t look back up at him. “Hm?”

“What’s wrong?”

Yamaguchi had been waiting for this question because in spite of everything, it was bound to happen.

Even if Tsukishima didn’t have as much time for Yamaguchi as he used to. Even if so much had changed and it was inevitable for them not to change, Tsukishima was still his closest friend. They knew each other since they were small kids. Tsukishima had known him since what felt like a childhood that happened an eternity ago.

The boys knew each other like the back of their own hands.

Yamaguchi knew it was going to happen, Tsukishima would notice. It didn’t matter sooner or later.

“Nothing’s wrong.”

_Lies._

Yamaguchi bit the inside of his cheek with his bottled apprehension. “Why do you ask?”

That was the most imprudent question he could ask in this conversation. They both knew exactly why he asked that particular question.

Yamaguchi had been acting weird for the past month… ever since Tsukishima started dating his girlfriend. Even if they barely talked anymore, the rare times they did find themselves alone, finally having time to talk and catch up, Yamaguchi always ended up finding an excuse to leave.

Although, that’s just what Yamaguchi wanted –for things to go back to how they used to be– he still turned down any and all opportunities to do so.

He wasn’t sure why he did that.

Why?

Was it because he wanted to avoid blooming more flowers? Was it because he knew it was wrong for him to have these feelings for Tsukishima? Was it because he was scared of Tsukishima seeing right through his cover? Maybe it was because he knew it was impossible for things to ever go back to how it used to.

“Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima’s hand was waving too close, right in front of Yamaguchi’s face. “You’re spacing out again.”

Any words he could reply with became foreign to him. “Oh.”

Tsukishima’s face glowed. The moon, which had been hiding behind clouds, now peeked from behind them and its moonlight shone on his face. With every breeze his blond hair blew from his forehead, looking angelically flaxen in the shaft of light.

Tsukishima frowned at him. There wasn’t a sound coming out of Tsukishima’s mouth, but Yamaguchi knew exactly what his eyes were asking,

So accordingly, Yamaguchi let out a light-hearted laugh. Tsukishima couldn’t see the way his hands were anxiously clenched into fists, fingers digging into his palms.

“You worry too much. Don’t worry so much about me!”

It appalled Yamaguchi himself, how the completely false cheerful tone rolled off his tongue so easily.

“I’m fine.”

Yamaguchi took a shaky breath – the wintry weather thankfully disguised it as a cold shiver.

He had promised. He had fucking promised himself that he wouldn’t ever make a habit of lying to Tsukishima. Of course, unless it was for Tsukishima’s own good.

Yamaguchi had now lied to him multiple times, each time telling himself if was in Tsukishima’s best interest. All because of his own stupid fucking feelings.

In a way, this was truly for Tsukishima’s good. In a cruel, twisted way.

Tsukishima crossed his arms over his chest in defence. “Fuck off. It’s not like I’m worried or anything…” his voice trailed off. Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow. “Okay maybe a little.” He huffed an honest laugh. “But you’re right. We should get you a girlfriend so she can worry about you instead, because I am sure as fuck you can’t take care of yourself on your own. Plus, it’s not like I’m going to be here to do it forever either.”

Tsukishima’s voice was light, and Yamaguchi knew he was joking with him but hearing it out loud still felt like a shock to him. _Tsukishima won’t be here forever._ Yamaguchi didn’t want to acknowledge it but nevertheless the truth was cold and bitter.

“Kei-kun! Oh, there you are, come with me!”

Yamaguchi watched stationarily as Tsukishima’s girlfriend took him by the hand and Tsukishima rolled his eyes playfully, still letting himself be dragged away by her.

Yamaguchi stuck his own hands inside his pockets. A strike at his chest reminded him of the flowers, and he locked his jaw shut.

No, he couldn’t break now.

The roots curled deeper and the flowers bloomed at an alarming rate.

Fuck.

Deep breath.

Yamaguchi inhaled acutely. It was New Year’s Eve. Yamaguchi didn’t want to cough more flowers – at least for tonight.

“FINALLY FOUND YOU.”

Whipping around, Yamaguchi found Yachi and Emi, huffing as if they ran a marathon all the way to him. Immediately after she recovered, Yachi dragged Yamaguchi to _‘the candy apple’s she spent an eternity looking for and if they were sold out by the time she found them again, he would be dead’._

Lost in the amusement (fear) of Yachi’s almost-threat, Yamaguchi was nearly distracted from the fact that his airway was virtually blocked. There was _just_ enough room for him to breathe, which was simply due to sheer willpower.

At last, arriving at the candy apple stall, Yamaguchi came to find that the stall was still completely full of their apples.

He looked daggers at Yachi, who had made them run all the way here. Yachi bought three, and watching her, Yamaguchi remembered how timid she used to be a few years ago. She could barely talk to their own teammates without being intimidated and seeing her meet and talk to all kinds of new people now manifested a sense of pride in Yamaguchi for her.

This was short lasted as he watched her begin to flirt shamelessly with her so-called ‘friend’.

“This one’s bigger, I want you to have it.”

Emi refused, “no.” She pushed the candy apple back to Yachi. “You can have it. You already paid for it, so you get to have the bigger one.”

“No. I want to give it to you,” Yachi persisted.

“Yachi~” Emi smirked. “Did I ever tell you that you’re absolutely gorgeous?”

Yachi stuttered. Suddenly incapable of doing much more than stare at Emi and blush profusely.

Emi continued. “And along with that, you’re also incredibly… stubborn!” She shoved the bigger candy apple back in Yachi’s hands. “And that’s exactly why I had to resort to this. Sorry not sorry.”

At long last, Yachi recovered. “Emi. You sly little…” Regardless of her attempted serious demeanour Yachi continued to blush.

Despite all, Yamaguchi had to laugh at the display. By ‘laugh’ he meant turning 180 degrees and bringing an arm up to hide his laugh before Yachi targeted him too.

That’s when he saw it.

The sight of Tsukishima and his girlfriend was the final thrust. The sight of Tsukishima _kissing_ his girlfriend.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened in horror. No. He really didn’t need this right now.

Why?

Yamaguchi immediately felt his stomach churning, preparing to throw up but the feeling subsided when he grasped that the flowers were blooming again, slowly forcing their way up.

Judging from how their behaviour hadn’t changed, he guessed Yachi and Emi noticed it.

“Are you okay, Yamaguchi-kun?” Emi asked genuinely. “You’re looking a bit pale.”

Yamaguchi feared that if he opened his mouth, he’d begin coughing and spilling flowers and if not, the tears would beat them to it.

_Smile._

He just needed to smile.

_Smile and they won’t notice. Smile and you won’t be a bother to them anymore. Smile, you can cry later._

He opened his mouth. “I don’t think fries do too well on an empty stomach. I’m just gonna go to the bathroom real quick.”

Before he had time to see Yachi’s worried expression, Yamaguchi left. He prayed the smile was convincing enough.

Finding a public bathroom was a challenge.

Yamaguchi felt like a glass of water that had been filled too much. The water brimming right to the top, threatening to spill at any given moment.

His chest hurt so much. At this point, there was no telling if it was due to his swarming emotions or the flowers.

The proximity of his surroundings was suffocating him.

There were too many people. Too crowded. He couldn’t breathe. With every step he took, he felt like the space between him and everything else was closing. Tightening around him and choking him.

He pulled at the scarf loosely wrapped around his neck and jerked it off.

Yamaguchi coughed.

He didn’t stop moving. In fact, he began running. He coughed into his hands, removing them from his face to find bloody flowers. Panic arose in him and he coughed harder.

His mind and the entire world around him were spinning. He knew he was running but it felt like he wasn’t even moving, stuck in an overwhelming loop of trying to find room to breathe.

The flowers overfilled from his cupped hands, being blown away by the wind and falling to the ground.

Yamaguchi found a public restroom.

Staggering inside, he was grateful to find it was empty.

He coughed loudly, his throat sounded hoarse and raspy. He knew he wouldn’t be able to talk for days after this without being in severe pain.

It hurt.

_What hurt? His throat? His chest? His heart?_

Everything hurt.

His eyes blurred. Was it from the fatigue or the seemingly never-ending tears? Either way, there was enough red smeared on the white sink in front for him to know it was blood. The yellow daffodils looked so fragile – the same flowers that were slowly killing him.

He coughed and coughed and coughed. To the point where he felt like he was going to die right then and there.

But he didn’t die.

Yamaguchi clung onto his life desperately.

The coughing died down long after he had lost energy to even keep his eyes open. His body shook violently, and his trembling hands could barely hold the edges of the sink anymore.

His eyes stung as he opened them, staring at the reflection in the mirror. _His reflection._

 _No_. This wasn’t him.

Yamaguchi didn’t look like this.

Sunken eyes, eyebags dark enough to make him look insomniac. His face was as pale as a corpse, and he noticed that his freckles were barely visible anymore. Even his hair looked dead, the once green glow of his hair had died down and now it just looked black. Deep crimson blood trickling down the corner of his mouth and down his chin.

Not to mention that his breathing hesitated uncontrollably. Even though his airway wasn’t blocked anymore, he still felt like every breath held little to no oxygen. Just enough for him to survive.

Yamaguchi looked like shit, and in all honesty, he felt like complete shit too.

Maybe this was why his friends were worried about him. He could speak as many lies as wanted, but his appearance would say differently. His appearance would speak the truth.

Yamaguchi sunk to the ground, his shaking legs barely supporting him as he crashed onto the floor.

He pulled his phone out of the blood smeared hoodie. The dinosaur hoodie he bought that matched with Tsukishima during a momentthat felt all too happy to be real.

Fuck.

He couldn’t risk triggering another round of coughing… this one would undoubtedly kill him.

Checking the time, it read _11:48pm,_ and it blinked to change to _11:49pm._

He texted Yachi.

**Yamaguchi-** I’m going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I began writing the next chapter so it's (hopefully) not gonna take as long to post  
> Lmk what you think about this chapter - from the looks of it, I can already guess your thoughts


	17. The Flowers Inside Me Bloom For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi ceaselessly struggled to hang onto his life with the little resolve he had left. It was a miracle to him that he hadn’t just broke yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl I feel like this chapter was so strangely difficult to write, but we're finally at the last chapter. Thank you for the lovely comments, kudos, and constant support throughout, I seriously couldn't have made it to the end without it <<3  
> I'm so not ready to finish this fic but here goes nothing

Yamaguchi stared down at his lunch. He didn’t know what it was, but what he did know was that it hurt to eat it. It no longer mattered to him what he was eating. Everything tasted the same.

Everything tasted like nothing, yet it always felt like bristles scratching at his throat.

At this point, Yamaguchi was unsure of a lot of things about his health.

He was unsure of when he last woke up without immense pain throughout his entire body, he was unsure of how it felt without the constant shortness of breath , he was even unsure of when he last had enough courage to look in a mirror.

Yamaguchi ceaselessly struggled to hang onto his life with the little resolve he had left. It was a miracle to him that he hadn’t just broke yet.

The one thing he did know was that he was going to make it to graduation. Even if his throat was ripped to shreds and his lungs were pierced with flowers. He was going to make it to their graduation in two months.

After that?

He hadn’t thought about that.

_That was a lie._

In reality, Yamaguchi spent dangerous amounts of time pondering about the future, about his disease, about how far he could make it until his body gave up on him.

It was a thought that ran chills down his back – the thought that even if he ignored his Hanahaki, that if he fought it with the bests of his effort, it was still capable of killing him in an instant.

Wasn’t that always the case though?

But now he knew it was close. He could almost feel death inching up on him, waiting for the perfect time to extract every ounce of life out of him.

He lost his appetite.

Yamaguchi pushed his plate away, leaning back on his chair. The sound of the kitchen sink leaking filled the entire house, the only other noise beside the loud ticking of the clock.

Yamaguchi hated it.

He hated how small he felt in this large house. He hated how cold he felt despite how hot his body burned. He hated that no matter how he distanced and isolated himself, he still immensely yearned for human interaction.

Yamaguchi had spent most of the winter break at home with the excuse of the weather being too cold. It was partially true – his body had weakened considerably, and he wasn’t immune to the harsh weather like he used to be.

Yamaguchi shuddered even in the warmth of the house and he pulled the sleeves of his shirt further down to cover his hands.

The sound of the front door rescinded the silence. His parents weren’t supposed to return until the next weekend and it was highly unlikely that they had returned early. They almost never came home early.

There was only one other person who owned a key to his home.

“Pardon the intrusion.”

An uneasy feeling overwhelmed Yamaguchi as he came to the conclusion that there wasn’t enough time to run to his room and lock himself inside, pretending to be asleep.

So, he did the next best thing.

Yamaguchi rested his head on his arms on top of the table and pretended to be asleep.

“Yamaguchi?”

Yamaguchi heard the footsteps diminishing further as they went upstairs – presumable to search for him in his room.

Palpably, they didn’t find him in his room and the sound of approaching footsteps told Yamaguchi they were heading straight to the kitchen – to him.

The sound of footsteps wavered when they reached the kitchen entrance before they drew closer and at last halted at his side.

A chair was pulled out and without a word they sat down beside him at the kitchen table.

Silence once again filled the surrounding before Yamaguchi heard an exhausted sigh.

Before he had time to register what the sigh meant, Yamaguchi felt the person rest on the table. Then, he discerned the hand at his head. More precisely, he felt a warm hand stroking his hair.

The roots bored deeper into his chest violently and Yamaguchi flinched.

Even if the flinch probably wasn’t noticeable enough to be distinguished visibly, Yamaguchi knew the person felt it under their hand.

He held his breath, waiting to be called out, but Yamaguchi was surprised when nothing came. Apparently not having noticed, they continued to wordlessly caress his hair.

Yamaguchi struggled to keep himself from melting under the embrace that felt so easily pleasant.

He suddenly became aware of a knot in his throat; it wasn’t from the flowers, but out of the blue he felt like crying.

He couldn’t cry, not at that moment at least.

“Yamaguchi.” At long last, Yamaguchi was addressed directly. “I know you’re awake. Please look at me.”

Yamaguchi squeezed his eyes shut tighter.

The gentle stroking at his hair came to an end and the hand was retrieved.

“Is it me?” Their voice unexpectedly came small and vulnerable. “Did I do something wrong?”

“NO.” Yamaguchi lurched up, looking Tsukishima straight in the eyes. “No, it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong.”

“Then tell me why.” Tsukishima looked at him with desperate eyes. “Why do you keep running away? Why are we like this now? Why are you so… so distant now?”

Yamaguchi stared. He didn’t know how to respond to that.

He averted his gaze, looking at anything but Tsukishima.

“Yamaguchi, are you okay?”

A cold silence greeted the question bitterly.

What was Yamaguchi supposed to say to that? There was too much to say – too many parts of himself to expose – too many lies to put to light.

“I’m sick.”

Without warning, Tsukishima reached for his face. Yamaguchi moved back instinctively before realising what Tsukishima was doing and silently cursing himself for responding like that.

Fortunately, Tsukishima didn’t pay much attention to the strange reaction, placing his warm hand on Yamaguchi’s forehead.

Tsukishima’s hand was _supposed_ to be warm but against Yamaguchi’s forehead, it felt like an ice pack.

Yamaguchi was burning with a fever.

“Like hell you’re sick. Why didn’t I realise that earlier?”

Tsukishima stood up and left Yamaguchi with the instructions to go to his room and rest on his bed, not allowing any room for discussion.

Yamaguchi’s limbs felt weak. He wasn’t sure where Tsukishima went but from the sounds of it, he was in the bathroom downstairs.

Yamaguchi lay on his bed, a feverish cold sweat encompassing his body.

_When did he even become sick?_

The weather by itself was enough reason for it but Yamaguchi hardly got out of the house anymore.

Attending school became less of an enjoyable opportunity to spend time outside of his empty home and more of a mandatory occasion where he was constantly putting up and act that he detested.

Deep down Yamaguchi knew the reason for his fever wasn’t because of something as uncomplicated as the winter weather.

Stress piled upon stress.

Yamaguchi hated feeling like a burden therefore he needed to maintain how much he relied on Yachi to support him, he spent a majority of time worrying about his Hanahaki and when Yamaguchi wasn’t doing that he was distracting himself with useless tasks to keep himself from overthinking. On top on all that his final exams were coming up in less than two months.

In spite of everything, Yamaguchi still loved volleyball – if possible, he liked it more than ever. It was one of the few things that had the capability to completely take his mind off everything.

He and the other third years had retired after they didn’t make it to Nationals for the Spring High Tournament, but they all still came together to play for fun.

Even Tsukishima’s aching presence didn’t waver his resolve during their volleyball games.

Yamaguchi traced the stars on the ceiling with his eyes, unconsciously tracing the well memorised freckles on his face with his hand simultaneously.

His head ached and he could feel his pulse in the back of his head.

“I got some stuff.”

Yamaguchi turned his head to find Tsukishima walking in with a dozen different things in his hands.

He set everything on Yamaguchi’s bedside table but kept the thermometer to check Yamaguchi’s temperature.

“Tsukki.” Yamaguchi sat up weakly. “I don’t think there’s any need for this.”

Paying no mind to him, Tsukishima continued. “Doesn’t hurt to check.”

Yamaguchi shook his head. “No, I mean you don’t need to do all this. I’m sure it’s just a small cold, I’ll be all better tomorrow”

Raising an eyebrow to counter, Tsukishima practically said, “ _your appearance right now says otherwise,”_ without actually speaking a word.

He kneeled down, sitting on his knees to come face-to-face with Yamaguchi and held the thermometer at Yamaguchi’s forehead.

Yamaguchi’s eyes met Tsukishima’s and the connection sent sparks through his body.

For a second, looking at him, Yamaguchi remembered the small things he’d long forgotten.

He remembered just how much of a rich gold Tsukishima’s eyes were, how placid his face was without the crease of an expression, and how his face shone brightly even when he wasn’t smiling.

Yamaguchi broke the eye contact as fast as possible. He knew if he had looked at him for a second longer Tsukishima would be able to read him like a book.

“Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi could feel Tsukishima’s fiery gaze burning right through him.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?”

Yamaguchi looked at him. “I told you I’m sick.”

Tsukishima watched Yamaguchi penetratingly through his glasses. “Is that really it? Is that what’s been bothering you for the past few weeks?

Yamaguchi recoiled. He knew Tsukishima was watching him closely, witnessing his hesitation and looking for answers through the discrete reactions that were differed to the words coming out his mouth.

The thermometer went off at that moment, startling both the boys and Yamaguchi was grateful to the moon and back for it.

“38.2. Your temperature is way too high.”

“I’m fine. I don’t feel that bad, you don’t need to worry,” Yamaguchi insisted.

Tsukishima pressed Yamaguchi to just quietly rest, successfully shushing him.

Although unsatisfied, Yamaguchi lay on his side and silently watched. Tsukishima pushed back his sleeves and soaked a cloth in the bowl of water he had carried upstairs with him.

Tsukishima wringed the excess water out of the cloth, droplets falling back into the bowl of water.

Holding the cloth in one hand, he used the other hand to gently move Yamaguchi’s hair away from his head. Tsukishima placed the wet cloth on Yamaguchi’s forehead – he shuddered as the cold sensation spread all through his body.

Every muscle in his body became stiff and Yamaguchi winced. He wanted to curl into a ball until he felt better. He reached for the blanket to pull it over his body, but he was stopped when Tsukishima caught his arm.

“Tsukki I’m cold.”

“No.” Tsukishima pulled the blanket away from him. “Your body is literally burning right now. You need to cool down. You’ll just get even more sick if you do that.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Yamaguchi mumbled, closing his eyes.

Yamaguchi heard Tsukishima click his tongue. “Well it matters to me.”

From how quietly it was grumbled, Yamaguchi wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear that or not. Either way, he pretended not to have heard it.

“Stop doing that.”

Yamaguchi opened his stinging eyes. “Stop doing what,” he asked.

“Stop scrunching your body, I just said you need to cool down.” Tsukishima began straightening out Yamaguchi’s body, pulling back Yamaguchi’s legs that were curled up to his body.

“No.” Yamaguchi baulked at the touch, shrinking back.

Tsukishima persisted, “Yamaguchi come on. You’re not gonna get better like this.”

An immense feeling of guilt overcame Yamaguchi.

Tsukishima was here, tending to him instead of spending his weekend doing something enjoyable.

If he weren’t sick- no. If he weren’t so selfish as to actually be fond of having this care from Tsukishima, Tsukishima could actually be enjoying his weekend instead of wasting it by looking after Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi pulled the wet cloth off his forehead and sat up on his bed. His breaths came out hot and clammy, so he instead opted to breathe out his nose.

“Look, I’m fine.”

Yamaguchi didn’t look nor feel ‘fine’.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “Yamaguchi stop being so fucking stubborn. You’re obviously not okay, so just rest. There’s no rush for you to get better, so just take your time.” He began ushering Yamaguchi to lie down again but Yamaguchi resisted.

“Tsukki.” Yamaguchi’s patience was running low. He didn’t know what to do anymore. “You don’t understand.”

“Understand what?” Tsukishima still looked very much composed as he began soaking the wet cloth once more – opposite to what Yamaguchi felt.

Yamaguchi didn’t know how to explain that the longer Tsukishima stayed here, the less Yamaguchi could hold out against his body – against the disease.

He squeezed the water out of the cloth again, placing it on Yamaguchi’s forehead.

“That’s enough,” Yamaguchi snapped, he slapped Tsukishima’s hand away and stood to be levelled with Tsukishima.

Yamaguchi shocked himself when he realised his voice had rose higher than he had heard it for years. But more than anything, the desperateness in his voice was as clear as glass. He lowered his voice again, but it cracked this time. “Go home.”

Tsukishima hesitated before stepping back. It was difficult to figure if Tsukishima’s expression was more confused or hurt. “Yamaguchi?”

Feelings welled in him, but Yamaguchi used his greatest efforts to keep his face expressionless. “You’ve helped enough. Thank you for that, but I don’t want to waste any more of your time.”

Tsukishima’s eyebrows furrowed in perplexity. “Yamaguchi what are you talking about. You’re not wasting my time. I’m here because I choose to be.”

Yamaguchi’s mouth spoke before he had time to fully comprehend his words. “But I don’t want you to be here.” He swallowed back what felt like the little breakfast he’d eaten that morning. “So, leave.”

Tsukishima’s eyebrows rose high on his face and his jaw fell slightly agape as he stared speechlessly at Yamaguchi.

This wasn’t the first time Yamaguchi had snapped at Tsukishima, but this was different. Yamaguchi knew he’d hurt Tsukishima this time. The words he said hurt himself too but he silently repeated that this was for the better. It was for the wellbeing of both of them. 

“Please.” Yamaguchi couldn’t risk more flowers, not at this point of time. “Please leave.”

Tsukishima’s eyes softened and Yamaguchi immediately felt countless times worse for how he was treating him, especially when Tsukishima was doing so much to help him.

“I’m sorry.” Tsukishima shook his head decisively. “I’m sorry but I’m not leaving you in this state. Please just tell me what’s wrong.”

Yamaguchi sighed urgently. He couldn’t keep this up for much longer. The flowers were fighting their way up. Soon enough… soon enough he wouldn’t be able to hide anything from Tsukishima.

Yamaguchi prayed for more time.

_No, not now._

_Please just wait a little longer._

_Just until Tsukki leaves._

_Please._

Tsukishima stared at Yamaguchi with wide eyes – horrified.

“Yamaguchi you’re _BLEEDING._ ”

Yamaguchi numbly lifted a hand to the wetness dripping from his mouth and down his chin and his hand came back covered with blood. A chill ran through his body. “Shit.”

He could finally taste the bitter, metallic taste of blood in his mouth.

He coughed.

Yamaguchi needed to leave. He needed to quickly leave.

_Run._

He stood up suddenly and dashed past Tsukishima who was still too stunned to react.

It finally dawned in on Tsukishima that Yamaguchi had left as soon as he ran out of the room because he called out. “Yamaguchi!”

Yamaguchi didn’t have time to explain. He ran, staggering down the flight of stairs as his vision blurred. His head was spinning. One wrong step and he would fall.

Leaning on the railing, Yamaguchi stumbled down the rest of the stairs.

Tsukishima’s footsteps beckoned him running after Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi ran past the kitchen and to the bathroom downstairs, hastily locking the door behind him and Tsukishima closed in on him just a second too late.

Tsukishima knocked on the door loudly, telling him to open the door, but Yamaguchi anxiously ignored him.

He coughed again. It was loud and clear enough for Tsukishima to hear. Yamaguchi coughed and coughed.

Blood, flowers, he coughed it all.

His lungs felt like they were on fire and his airway felt like it was being ripped to shred.

The yellow flowers were large, coated in thick, red blood that dripped to the floor.

His legs felt numb, in fact his entire body felt numb, but leaving just enough sensation for him to feel the vast pain that covered every inch of his body.

Yamaguchi sank to the floor, holding the edge of the sink to keep his weak balance on the way to the ground.

The only sound that was louder than his coughing was Tsukishima outside the bathroom, apprehensively yelling and knocking on the door.

Fuck.

_Why did it turn out like this?_

The pounding on the door became louder and Yamaguchi came to the realisation that Tsukishima was throwing his entire body at the door, trying to force it open.

He couldn’t breathe, not with the flowers blooming this much.

He just needed to cough faster.

_No._

The flowers barely fit in his throat and he had to keep coughing intensely to keep them from building a blockage in his airway.

He leaned back, resting his weight on the wall. Yamaguchi was coughing up so much blood with the flowers. He was honestly surprised he hadn’t fainted from the sheer amount of blood loss if it wasn’t from suffocation.

The blood collected, puddling on the floor underneath the cluster of flowers and petals.

Yamaguchi tried blinking the fuzziness away, but his sight stayed blurry. He felt faint and he could feel himself becoming lightheaded.

He needed to get a hold of himself. He needed to breathe. It was now that Yamaguchi realised he was losing control of his consciousness.

He couldn’t pass out now.

He tried to cough harder, but it just wore him out further.

There was a deafening noise and Yamaguchi gave up.

* * *

Yamaguchi woke to an uncomfortable numbness.

A cloud of weariness covered his entire body. His eyes stung with every jaded blink and his head ached badly. He was surprised to find an oxygen mask on his face before the cursed memories returned and filled every inch of his mind.

He jumped up, crawling back on the unfamiliar bed he was sitting on, only to hear a strange beeping noise mimic the startlement he felt. Directing his attention to the machine on his left Yamaguchi’s astonishment grew as he found a heart monitor examining a heart rate.

 _His_ heart rate.

That’s when Yamaguchi noticed the person resting on the seat to the right of his bed.

Tsukishima was asleep but just looking at his peacefulness Yamaguchi didn’t want to disturb him.

Yamaguchi was unsure of how long he’d been unconscious, but it was enough to allow Tsukishima to rest.

Yamaguchi sat up more comfortably on the bed, grasping the situation more clearly.

He remembered passing out in the bathroom at home… but looking around he wasn’t at home anymore.

He was at the hospital.

Yamaguchi loathed hospitals, the sight of the place was nauseating. Everything was grey and colourless, like the life had been long sucked out the place and there wasn’t a single sign of human existence beside themselves.

Tsukishima must have brought him here. The loudness Yamaguchi remembered hearing was almost certainly Tsukishima who’d forced the door open to save him.

Yamaguchi felt both a rush of affection and a surge of guilt.

On cue Tsukishima slowly woke, noticing that Yamaguchi was conscious again, and he calmly sat up.

_He knows._

Yamaguchi had gone through hell trying to keep Tsukishima from finding out about his disease yet here he was.

Yamaguchi couldn’t meet the boy’s gaze.

He anxiously played with the hem of his sleeve, wishing he was wearing something warmer than his thin shirt.

Tsukishima finally knew why Yamaguchi had been acting so different.

Yamaguchi felt a tug at his chest. The roots were still advancing, digging further and the oxygen mask wasn’t helping the wheeze in his breathing at all.

Yamaguchi could feel Tsukishima’s stare boring into him.

_He wants to say something._

Yamaguchi could think of countless things Tsukishima would want to say and ask him.

“You look terrible.”

Yamaguchi could think of countless things Tsukishima would want to say and ask him however this wasn’t one of them – it should’ve been. That was definitely something Tsukishima would say in a situation like this. 

Yamaguchi smiled grimly until he took a closer look at Tsukishima.

He looked so worn out. His hair was ruffled, his nose was red, and his expression was so tense even unintentionally. Why hadn’t Yamaguchi noticed that before? It was so plainly obvious why Tsukishima looked so drained.

From what it appeared Tsukishima always knew something was up with Yamaguchi, however if anything, Tsukishima also knew when and when not to respect his privacy. So, despite how much he made an effort to understand what was bothering Yamaguchi, he knew the limit. Yamaguchi never told him anything, and with doing so he left Tsukishima to silently worry about him.

Yamaguchi licked his dry, cracked lips. “I could say the same about you.” His voice came out weak and raspy and his warm breath fogged the oxygen mask.”

Tsukishima smiled bitterly. “Shut up, you look worse.” His ghost of a smile was quick to fade and he broke out in a concerned expression. “Yamaguchi… why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was quick to rise and Yamaguchi could visibly see his anxiety with the way he bounced his leg.

“If you didn’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, you should have said so,” Tsukishima frowned. “But why did you lie to my face,” he unsteadily inhaled, blinking away the tears brimming at his eyes, “why did you lie and tell me you were okay every time, when you obviously weren’t.”

The guilt weighed him down and Yamaguchi couldn’t do much more than stare at him. His throat itched.

“Please,” Tsukishima pleaded. “Who is it?”

Yamaguchi clenched his hands until the pain of his fingernails digging at his skin kicked in. He remained silent.

“Okay fine,” Tsukishima reasoned nervously. “I won’t even ask who it is, just- _please_ just get the surgery.”

Yamaguchi’s face fell in alarm.

With the surgery he would get better, he would _live._

He reluctantly met Tsukishima’s gaze. Tsukishima looked so tired, so worn out – all because of him. If his feelings weren’t here, if _he_ weren’t here, Tsukishima could be happy with his girlfriend…

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi’s voice trailed into a whisper, “I’m scared.”

Yamaguchi watched as Tsukishima’s eyes widened abruptly.

Yamaguchi couldn’t do anything in counter when the tears began building up at his eyes and streaming down his face faster than he could wipe them away with his flimsy shirt sleeve. The oxygen mask wasn’t helping regulate his breathing either. His voice came out tiny. “I don’t want to die.”

Yamaguchi hid his face in his cold hands. “I’m so, so scared.” The words came out his mouth and he began crying even harder when Tsukishima reached over to gently hug him. Despite the oxygen being provided, Yamaguchi felt suffocated. The closure between them triggered his disease and Yamaguchi coughed.

Tsukishima pulled away hastily, every inch of his face filled with pure, utter fear. He began calling for a doctor, panic dripping from his voice all while trying to keep Yamaguchi calm.

The oxygen mask was doing absolutely nothing to help him and Yamaguchi tore it off his face, immediately coughing again.

Blurs of yellow and red spilled onto his lap and Yamaguchi was coughing so severely that it was hard to keep up with himself.

Why did this always have to happen to him? Why did he always have to get the short end of the stick? Why couldn’t he ever reach happiness that didn’t come with a price?

_No. it’s going to be fine._

His parents were on their way. Yamaguchi could just get the surgery. He’d get the surgery and live. He’d still be able to spend time with his parents, talk to his friends, do new things, and live his life. He’d be friends with Tsukishima – just friends and nothing more because his feelings would be gone.

But that’s okay because he’d be alive.

Yamaguchi didn’t want to die. He coughed, pain searing throughout his entire body, throat burning and lungs killing him from the pain.

_I don’t want to die._

_Please._

Yamaguchi felt his senses distorting.

Were his eyes blurred from the hot tears or his quivering consciousness.

He could hear his name being called out. The voice was felt so far away, yet it was incredibly loud, like it was right beside him. The voice felt too familiar, but he had never heard that tone being used with the voice, so awfully desperate.

_Tsukishima._

Yamaguchi felt his firm hand clutching his own. Tsukishima was holding on so tight and although his hands felt painfully weak Yamaguchi frantically clutched back.

Yamaguchi couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t cough, he couldn’t even keep his eyes open. He was doing his best to cling onto whatever consciousness, but everything was slipping away all too fast. He was so immensely exhausted, but he needed to hold on. He was so tired, but he can’t pass out now.

Yamaguchi knew if he passed out now, he wouldn’t wake up again.

He squeezed Tsukishima’s hand tighter and as impossible as it felt, Tsukishima also held on tighter, urging Yamaguchi to stay conscious.

Yamaguchi’s hearing became muddled, mixtures of shouting and high-pitched ringing, everything blended until it became one loud disturbance.

“YAMAGUCHI.”

Tsukishima was calling out, he was calling out, but he couldn’t hear anything – not his own voice, nor the current silence of the heart monitor.

His screams did nothing but when people started separating him from Yamaguchi, he struggled further.

He gripped Yamaguchi’s hand like his life depended on it. Yamaguchi’s hand which was no longer clinging to his but lying limp in his grasp.

Why wasn’t he waking up? Why couldn’t he hear Tsukishima’s cries? Why was the once-vivid smile on his face now an emotionless line? _Why?_

They pulled at Tsukishima, dragging him away from Yamaguchi, and frantically trying to regulate the boy’s pulse.

Although unconscious, Tsukishima knew Yamaguchi was clinging onto his life as hard as he could.

Tsukishima took a good look at him. His face was as pale as ghost, not a hint of colour on his skin besides the dull, lifeless grey. His freckles which were once the highlight of his appearance were now scarcely visible.

Tsukishima watched the professionals as they sprinted across, desperately doing what they could for the boy.

The heart monitor was beeping at a dangerous rate, but it was still there.

There was still a pulse.

_He’s still alive._

Then the heart monitor flat lined, and with that the world around him went silent.

* * *

_Hey Tsukki._

_It would be strange if it weren’t you who found this but then again, I just have a feeling you will. All things considered, I still kind of hope you never have to find this because if you do, it undoubtedly means I’m dead._

_You probably don’t remember but this is the notebook and pen you gave me on my last birthday. I don’t think you’d want them, but they’re special to me so I want you to have them._

_You already know that I’m bad at expressing my thoughts with words and right now I have too much to say yet you always seem to understand what I’m thinking, so the only thing I need to do now is figure out where to start._

_I’m sorry you had to find out about my disease._

_It’s pretty lame that I had to get Hanahaki especially after I loved flowers so much… but I guess that’s life!_

_Did you know, the flowers that grew inside me are called daffodils. They’re a pretty yellow colour, they remind me of your eyes._

_Daffodils represent joy and new beginnings. They’re also the flower that primarily represent unrequited love._

_I’m sure you’ve realised by now that the reason my flowers were daffodils was because the person I liked was always my first for everything. They lent a hand when I needed it most, they urged me to proceed when I couldn’t take the first step, they taught me to love myself when all I could see were my flaws._

_They made me happy and honestly, if it weren’t for my disease, I’d be content with living with my unrequited love if it meant I got to spend more time with them. To be quite frank, I’d follow them to the end of the world if they asked._

_But I can’t do that because my time is limited._

_I wish I had more time, but it reassures me that you’ll still read this instead, that even if I didn’t live enough to be able to tell you directly, I can still tell you through this, you know?_

_There’s been a quote that just wouldn’t leave my mind for the past few days, “dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.”_

_As much as I like the quote, I don’t want flowers from you._

_I don’t want regret from you._

_A while ago I couldn’t imagine ever telling you this because I know you’re always looking for ways to blame yourself for every little thing. But now that I think about it, I’ve decided to tell you because I know you’ll still find out some way or other and try to blame yourself._

_That’s why I wrote this letter to distinctly tell you not to._

_The flowers inside me bloom for you._

_I have Hanahaki for you._

_Crazy, right?_

_You’re probably thinking something like, “the person Yamaguchi was talking about sounded like an angel,” or that it couldn’t possibly be you._

_Well suck it up princess because it is you._

_It’s pretty self-explanatory why I fell for you but because your clueless, yet stubborn ass will always try to deny your talents, I’ll say this._

_I regret a lot._

_I regret lying to the people I love, I regret leaving my disease until it became too late, I regret not being courageous enough to ask my parents to spend more time with me, I regret not doing the things I wanted and saying the things I thought while I had the time, but the one thing I don’t regret is loving you._

_Not for one second have I ever regretted loving you so please don’t regret me._

Reading the final words, Tsukishima broke down and the words he’d just read echoed in his head deafeningly.

His throat wasn’t restricted, but he couldn’t breathe. There weren’t any roots digging into his lungs, but his chest felt pierced with pain. He felt hollow and his eyes were stinging, he should’ve run out of tears to cry yet they streamed down his face more than ever.

_“Maybe it is loss, which teaches us about the worth of things.”_

Tsukishima remembered a quote Yamaguchi had once found. Yamaguchi always had a strange obsession with quotes- no, obsession wasn’t the right word.

It wasn’t like he was actively looking for new ones, but once in a while, Yamaguchi would pass by a unique one – one that stood out to him, and he’d subconsciously think about it for a long while after that.

At the time, Tsukishima didn’t think much of this quote, acknowledging it and going on with his life, yet it seemed like the quote waited until this specific time to resurface in his memories.

Yamaguchi liked quotes and Tsukishima hated them.

He hated how painfully accurate they were, as if they were created for the sole purpose of being remembered when he least wanted to.

Because Tsukishima had lost his feelings for Yamaguchi was precisely why he had been able to become a better friend to Yamaguchi. He was able to be honest and deepen their friendship since his extra feelings were no longer in the way.

Or so he thought.

He was stuck in his own little world.

When his romantic feelings died, so should’ve his platonic. Then maybe Yamaguchi would’ve hated him instead of loved him. Then maybe Yamaguchi wouldn’t have become sick. Then maybe Yamaguchi wouldn’t be-

Tsukishima’s knees buckled and he collapsed onto the snow-covered ground.

The ground in front of the grave that read, _Yamaguchi Tadashi._

The tears continued to silently trail down his face and onto the open page of the notebook in his hands. The pages were crumpling from his tight grip was on them, but he sensed that if he ceased, he wouldn’t be able to hold the pieces of himself together and the rest of him would fall apart.

 _“Sorry, Yamaguchi.”_ These words rested on the tip of Tsukishima’s tongue, but he bit them back before they came out.

He loosened his grip on the book, staring at the gold flower at the top of the pen in his hand.

He hated it. He wanted to get rid of everything that reminded him of Yamaguchi, to throw it away as far as he could. But he didn’t. Instead, he held onto it reluctantly.

If anything, Tsukishima realized Yamaguchi knew him better than he knew himself. He knew Tsukishima wanted nothing more than to blame himself and spend forever wallowing in self-hatred. He was unremittingly thinking about what went wrong, where his faults lay, and everything he should’ve done differently.

Because loss resulted in regret.

And regret was always easier than acceptance.

“I won’t regret.” His voice was hoarse from crying. He looked up at the winter morning sky which was too blue for his liking and blinked his tears back, wiping his face with his hoodie sleeves.

He looked back at the grave covered with countless flowers – none of which were from him.

“I won’t regret you.”


End file.
